How Do You Know When It Is Time To Quit Your Marriage?
I often get asked by individuals in my FREE Save My Marriage Consultation. “Nicola, how do I know when it’s time to quit?”
It’s a difficult question to ask yourself or anyone else for that matter.
Based on my experience helping hundreds of people save their marriage.
I’d recommend that, if separation and divorce is an option for you from a moral perspective before you go down that route that you first try at least for a year to make your marriage work!
Yes, a FULL year ……
It is crucial that you REALLY put in 100%, for at least one year!
You have already invested so much of your energy, time and heart into the marriage, so why not invest in at least a year of putting your best efforts into it after you think it could be time to quit.
Remember, there’s no turning back once you’ve made the decision to call it quits. Your life, as well as your children’s lives, will never be the same again and it is extremely important that you be conscious of the fact that you did everything in your power to make it work. If you decide to end your marriage, you don’t want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind.
Having helped countless individuals already divorced get through the pain, stress and to create a new life. One thing many struggle with is the guilt or regret of not trying harder or for longer. Where they wonder “What if I…” or “If only I did …” You want to know in your heart of hearts that you gave it your all.
It is absolutely crucial that you have a healthy closure to enable you to move on with your life and hopefully onto another relationship.
Some have said to me when I give this advice:
“Nicola, I’m scared to waste another year. “
To which I reply, “Yes I know, I’d be scared also to waste a year also and that’s exactly what will happen if you stay and do nothing or stay and relate and react to each other in exactly the same way.
However if you change things, make an investment of at least one year to learn new relationship and connection building skills, implement new strategies then it could be the important journey of your life and, should you be fortunate enough to save your marriage, it’ll be the best one year investment you’ve ever spent . And, should you not be successful, don’t ever think that you’ve wasted a year of your life because your efforts will impact the rest of your life and, possibly, your next relationship.
All too often, I’ve seen spouses throwing in the towel prematurely, and as a result of not reaching “closure” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else. In truth this has happened in my own relationships. Instead of staying when things got tough and working them out, I ran and found myself in the same situation again. This enables me to spot relationship patterns and help others to change them. The progress I make with people in private session can sometimes turn out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.
During the Save the Marriage Program Online Program a man asked me if I thought he should continue with the last 3 weeks because he really did think his marriage was over. My response, “Absolutely! If you’re not doing it for this marriage, do it for the benefit of your next relationship”.
Now don’t get me wrong:- I’m not saying that your intention while you’re working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your current relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for nothing.
LISTEN the Key Point here is
If you’re asking “When is it time to call it quits?”
The answer is
One year after you think you’re done.
If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work, you’re still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and never give up. Learn everything you can, try new approaches to rebuilding the love, connection and passion.
One of the things about me is that I don’t believe it’s too late. It’s NEVER too late!
I am not saying this because I am an eternal optimist or believe that one should always think positive…
I believe it is NEVER too Late because
1. Very often a turning point in a marriage is when it hits rock bottom. Often it can take in a marriage -a person to hit an all time low, before they change, start the repair and healing process. Life in general has many such examples :-
It often takes an over-eater to become obese till they take action.
An alcoholic to realize they have destroyed some aspects of their life before they are ready to create a new one.
An over-spender or gambler to hit their limit, until they realise the value of money and break the habit.
2. I’ve seen marriages turned around after couples have been separated for months, threats of divorce have been mad, affairs have occurred or where one has shared they no longer love or find their partner attractive any more.
Don’t give up if you haven’t given it your all.
I see how painful and draining the toll of a “failing” marriage can be to an individual and couple. I don’t blame anyone in that situation for thinking or wanting to escape. What I will say is this: having witnessed the success of those who hung on a little longer, it could be worth trying if you adopt a new approach. Staying for the sake of staying doesn’t work. This is what many couples do if they have children. Staying and doing the right things, learning new ways to relate has a far greater chance of increasing your happiness, love and passion – thereby saving your marriage.
WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?
Whatever issue your marriage is facing, it did not occur overnight. I cannot explain everything to you here. There will have been many things that have evolved over time in your marriage. But I can offer you something extremely valuable if you’re committed ……….
I have seen many, many people save their marriage from the most dire of circumstances and what sets these people apart from those who headed towards destruction was that they all had hope. Their hope propelled them to do all the right things to save the marriage.
How can you build or get HOPE?
Here are a few of my suggestions that couples I work with love
1. Surround yourself with happily married couples they have gotten through tough times
2. Research and read marriage blogs for success stories
3. Check out marriage and relationship podcasts
4. Get in touch with your heart and the feelings you had when you met
5. Take our your wedding and holiday photos – reminisce on the positive
Hope there has been something useful in this for you to today
From my heart to yours, Nicola
Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program
Contact or find out more about me at www.nicolabeer.com
I specialize in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!
P.S Struggling in Your Marriage? Get the FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage! And learn
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PP.S If your marriage is in SERIOUS trouble and cannot wait until then, book your free Save My Marriage Consultation today – click here for details www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult