Could Insecurity Be Ruining Your Marriage? Control Your Thoughts

Debbie (name changed) came to me because she no longer felt like she was being herself. “I know I’m over-reacting and sometimes over-controlling Nicola, but I can’t help it.” Her fears and anxieties were leaving her to, in her words, act “desperate.”  She wanted to trust her husband Gary, but couldn’t.

Five years ago, when they were engaged to be married, she found flirty Facebook messages from a girl at his work. Recently, Debbie noticed a message pop up from an old-school fling of his, asking to meet him. Debbie was furious that Gary hadn’t told her about the message, especially after their previous history.

Gary protested.

“It meant nothing”. He didn’t even reply which Debbie admits is true. “She has trust issues, Nicola. Nothing I say or do will make any difference it’s pointless. She will never trust me.  If I work late, go out drinking, chat to other women when we go out together, I get a barrage of texts or complaints. So, yes, I didn’t tell her when someone insignificant got in touch.”

Debbie couldn’t break herself out of her constant checking up on him. She would get wound up and her mind would race with “what if’s”. She knew that Gary loved her and believed he wasn’t the type to have an affair. Yet she couldn’t control her irrational racing thoughts:

“He isn’t answering because he is with someone else.”

“He is flirting on Facebook again.”

“He is making a fool of me.”

“What if he is cheating on me.”

“He is with that girl at work.”

So, what would happen is, her heart rate would increase, she’d feel hot, get angry and would escalate to controlling behaviour. At the same time, she would be annoyed with herself for having such spiralling thoughts and would then attack herself for being so weak and “insecure”.

” Why do I have to over analyse everything?”

“Why can’t I control my thoughts?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why am I always overreacting.”

Fighting thoughts are common for the men and women I work with many who have experienced infidelity in their marriage because their spouse had an affair. They wonder why they are not over the affair yet, why they can’t get images of the affair out of their heads, why they are not themselves anymore after the affair. They often ask me: “How can I control my thoughts?”

I have numerous ways of assisting them in the “Save My Marriage Program”. From individuals learning to let go of past hurt and resentment to strategies that couples can adopt to rebuild love, trust and respect.

What we often don’t realise is that fighting our thoughts makes things worse.
Maybe you don’t have any trouble with your thoughts, goodness knows I used to. Especially when they come crashing into my world without invitation.

You don’t have to catch your wife or husband cheating to feel out of control. Our thoughts are like mosquito bites, they come unexpected and unwanted.

BUT we do have a choice!

We can fight and scratch away at them, become irritated, and feel worse as the itch becomes uncontrollably painful or let it go, without giving it much attention.

Beating yourself up for having negative thoughts causes them to escalate.

When we give our thoughts energy the intensity and frequency can increase and consume us. It’s like feeding a parasite, it will grow.

Let me ask you a question…

Do you ever curse yourself for thinking negative thoughts?

Do you get agitated when your thoughts seem out of control?

Do you have a battle with yourself or guilt yourself for thinking a certain way?

If the answer is yes, let me share with you the best way you can control your thoughts:

Be Kind to Your Mind


Fighting fearful and anxious thoughts

Getting angry and annoyed at your mind for racing

Feeling like a victim to your circling doubts


 How Do You Do That?

  1. Acknowledge, Accept and Appreciate each thought, rather than dwell or fight it.
  2. Remind yourself that thoughts come and thoughts go. You don’t have to attach any meaning to them.
  3. Recognize that ALL thoughts we have (especially anxious and fearful thoughts), is our minds way of trying to protect us.

For Example:


Fearful thoughts often arise because we don’t want to go through the pain we previously went through or the pain someone close to us has suffered. This is your mind looking out for you. Take this as a blessing and calm the thoughts by listening to them and recognising that it is just a warning and doesn’t need to be acted upon.


Anxious thought can be a sign we love someone or something dearly. Our spouse, our family and friends, our job and we don’t want to lose them or it. It can be a beautiful signal to PAY ATTENTION to what is important. With anxiety, we need to be grateful for these thoughts as they show us this signal and make us realise we need to focus on living in the now.


Same applies if you are stuck with indecision “Is the relationship, right?”, “Should I stay or go?”, “Should we have another child or not?”.

Don’t be angry at yourself for not being sure. Thank your mind for bringing up the mixed feelings, the concerns, excitement, bad and good.  This is a sign you attach pain and pleasure with both sides of the decision and this needs to be worked through for clarity.



Regretful thoughts can consume us if we let them. If you find yourself wishing, you had:

Done things differently, better,

Done less or more of something…

Ask yourself

“What is the regret trying to teach me?”

“What can we /I learn from the past to make our future even better?”

Remember What we resist persists.”

Therefore, to control our thoughts we need to be a at peace with them instead of at war.

Start today by being kind to your mind.

This is the first step, second is finding ways Gary can support Debbie and rebuild trust, by actions not words.

Hope this helps, from my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program

Contact or find out more about me at

I specialize in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!


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