How to get over a cheating husband/wife and save the marriage

Anne (name changed) emailed me after she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She was deeply hurt and angry at his betrayal. But she didn’t want to leave him and break up the family. They have two beautiful girls who dote on them both, plus the fact that deep down she still loved him. She discovered her husband was having an affair when she checked his phone at a friends BBQ. He had left his phone on the side, she picked it up and looked through his messages curious to what conversations he was having with his mates. To her horror, she found messages to and from a Louise of a sexual nature. She felt disgusted, furious and confused. She rushed to the bathroom with the phone, locked herself in and read the streams of conversations they had. Acting quickly she emailed herself all of their whats app messages. Then she confronted her husband telling him she knew about Louise, that she had evidence and told him not to bother coming home that night. They left immediately and spent the night and next week fighting about it. She wanted to know from me how to get over a cheating husband and save the marriage.

If you have found out you have a cheating husband or wife let me start by saying how sorry I am you are going through this and we are connecting under these circumstances. The pain can be immense and utterly overwhelming with so many fears and doubts flooding your mind. Although I am happy you are here because it means you already know that saving a relationship after an affair takes action. Just you taking the time to read this is a positive step to healing the relationship.

If this doesn’t apply to you directly but has or is happening to someone close to you below are some tips that I hope will help.

Below is a list I have devised from helping hundreds and couples through this in the next article next week I will share 7 tips for the betrayer to follow – so look out for that!

For the Betrayed – Relationship Counseling tips by Nicola Beer

The first thing you need to recognise is that is often impossible to get over it on your own. You are going to need support from your spouse to feel secure, attractive and desired again.  As well as some tools to stop any obsessive thoughts and behaviours, or flashbacks and painful images which could be from a good coach or other types of self-healing.

  1. Feel your feelings

Allow yourself to feel and express your pain and anger. Find a healthy outlet for the stress and frustration. Instead of trying to fix feelings with sugar, alcohol, drugs, shopping or any other habit that doesn’t serve you.

2. Do ask questions

Many find they have a peace when they are able to put the pieces together and understand why, where and when it happened. Those that choose not to know anything end up finding it much harder to move forward.

  1. Be willing to forgive

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not your partner. You free yourself when you forgive. Forgiving does not mean you condone the behaviour or are forgetting, it is about choosing to move forward.

  1. Do get help

Don’t suffer in silence. Get support from loved ones friends or a relationship specialist to support you.

  1. Be patient with yourself.

Especially if you are acting out of character, by checking up on your spouse, being extra suspicious or feeling insecure. It’s natural on the odd occasion to overreact after discovering their affair.

  1. Give up control

Recognise that no matter what, you cannot control your partner’s behaviour, so monitoring them and checking up on them will drive you crazy. Over time it will also over push someone further away. No one likes to be watched and analysed.

  1. Accept their love and kindness.

Receive the repair efforts and positive gestures they offer. Appreciate them and you will get more. I have seen many husbands and wives continuously punish their spouse after an affair, refusing to accept their apology and loving act. This refusal blocks healing and in the end, will end the relationship.

Another question I get asked frequently is

What if they Deny the Affair?  

In relationships where the cheating husband or wife is denying the affair or not accepting the descriptions “emotional attachment”  “cyber infidelity” etc the healing process can be a lot more challenging. How can you get over a cheating husband/wife if they don’t acknowledge it? It doesn’t matter what type of betrayal took place healing from affairs ALWAYS requires the cheater to switch to rescuer. When they don’t admit to the pain they have caused they cannot help move the relationship forward. Coming up next are 7 tips the betrayer can implement. Look out for it or email me now for a copy


There is no easy way to get over an affair.  I am frequently asked how do I get over their affair without feeling so angry, hurt and rejected. It’s hard, there is no denying that that is why having the support of people who love you is key, although I fully appreciate you may want to keep it hidden. Trust needs to be rebuilt and trust can only be rebuilt by loving acts of kindness, affection, attention, appreciation.

The key way to know whether to save it comes down to your feelings, whether your spouse is remorseful and whether you are willing to take steps to change the way you are relating and work towards your future. I hope this helps you, get in touch to find more about making your marriage great.

If you are still unsure what to do next – take the “Is My Marriage over? quiz. Which will help you assess your marriage.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

Relationship & Connection Specialist


P.S Don’t delay or stay stuck in confusion any longer Take the marriage assessment now by clicking here