The Dangers Of Marriage Counseling – Why It Often Fails  

Have you considered or are in marriage counseling? If your marriage is in trouble then your answer is probably yes. But will marriage counseling help you? Will marriage counselling be a healing experience or will it make your marriage worse?

Many people ask me how I ended up as a marriage expert saving and strengthening 1000’s of peoples marriages all over the world. … “Nicola what made you choose this path, when I you are not yet married?”  they would ask and still do.  The truth is… I was working helping individuals and families through divorce to bring new positive changes into their life and time after time I would hear them say that they were getting divorced and didn’t want it to be over. That they had tried marriage counselling or talking through their problems and that had made things worse.

I later discovered that a common statistic is that 75% of marriage counselling leaves couples worse off or divorced after. For literally 1000’s of couples it make things worse, which is why the empowered love formula and marriage makeover programs I created are ALTERNATIVES  to marriage counseling.

Why do we need an alternative to marriage counseling? What’s wrong with marriage counseling?

When I asked countless couples what happened in their marriage counseling sessions they described what happens in individual counseling. Individual counseling is typically where the counsellor listen’s and empathizes patiently, as the client tells their story. The counselor asks questions to expose to the client how they feel at a deeper level and leave it for the client to assess their options.

This gentle, laid back approach will not work if you are trying to save your marriage. Working on a marriage requires focus, actions and structure. Here lies the problem, most marriage counsellors are individual therapists and follow the same way to help a couple. This doesn’t get results. The role of a good marriage professional should be to lead the couple, be assertive and provide guidelines on how to change the way they relate. Otherwise what tends to happen is the couple will move the battle ground from their home to the counsellor’s office. The counselor will feel that progress has been made. because a lot has been clarified and aired. That is because, for the marriage counsellor  it is the first time they have heard these things being said! For the couple they will have already discussed the same things before and will feel like nothing has been accomplished. In fact most couples leave feeling hopeless. Like they are somehow failing to make things work using this method, that perhaps their marriage cannot be fixed. When it is the method, not the couple that is to blame.

Having done some transformational work with individuals and couples now, one thing I know for sure is that you cannot apply the same method of individual counseling to marriage counselling. When a “marriage counselor” lets a couple clients get caught up in trying to persuade the counselor or each other their “side of the story” they are doing the couple a disservice. It’s a complete waste of time. Same with focusing on re-hashing out the past history of problems again and again.

You cannot talk someone into your way of thinking… and a marriage expert in my opinion is not their to take sides, but there to help.  Helping a couple heal a relationship is a completely different process than helping an individual love, heal and find them self.

If you want help with your marriage you don’t just want a professional to listen. You want someone with the confidence in the ability to provide a clear path to healing the marriage and moving forward. This only happens through actions. You want a marriage professional who is not shy about holding you and your spouse accountable to what you agree in your current and future action plan.

In short, you want leadership, you want direction, you want someone to guide  you what to do based on what has worked for 1000’s of successful couples before you. Unfortunately couples marriage counselling usually fails in this regard. This is why I do what I do. I felt my clients pain when they said they still love their husband or wife but feel stuck or hopeless to change things. The empowered love and marriage makeover programs I created on the other hand, provide a clear strategy with a proven step-by-step system for strengthening your marriage.

Another problem with traditional marriage counselling model I see is that there is an over-emphasis on feelings. While this is essential for individual counselling in marriage counseling it can cause undue strain to the relationship. If the marriage counsellor keeps focusing on having the couple share their feelings and repeat the negative side of the relationship, it often causes more distance, shame and shutdown.

Picture this; Stephen comes home from work one day and his wife Jennifer tells him she has had enough, she is unhappy and it’s over. Stephen then wakes up and agrees to join marriage counseling with her. Stephen is asked how he feels about being in the first marriage counseling session.

He replies: “I want to save my marriage and make my wife happy”.

“No that is not a feeling”, says the counselor. “…that is a thought.”

Stephen replies “I just want to fix the marriage and I am ready to do whatever it takes to make my wife happy again.”

“But how do you feel Stephen?” the marriage counselor asks.

“I don’t know” says Stephen, ” I would like to discuss the solutions please”

” You need to get in touch with your feelings first before we work on the marriage.”

Stephen feels agitated and hopeless. He is new to this and is trying his best. He is not interested into insight into himself right now, right now his priority is his marriage. He does not care about his psyche, he cares about his wife and children.

There is nothing wrong with this. It’s healthy in fact to know what you want and be willing to act.

The marriage counselor then turns to Jennifer.

” Jennifer how do you feel ”

“I feel lonely, disappointed, angry, let down, hopeless and fed up.”

Ok, that’s great you have shared that, thank you” says the counsellor and “why do you feel that way? “Please elaborate on your feelings…”

Jennifer goes on to explain something she has already shared more than once before and Stephen and Jennifer both leaving feeling more exhausted and disheartened. Jennifer because she has spent an hour reliving the past pain and gotten nowhere. Stephen because he feels more shame, hearing his failings without one suggestion of how to fix it.

Let me be clear, I love individual counseling and self-discovery. I have been on my own path of self-discovery and healing for the past 9 years and I will always continue to work on myself. This is because I love to do this. But this is not for everyone and self-exploration is always done best individually. The joint relationship counseling sessions I run focus on the future not the past. As repeating past history does not bring forgiveness or closeness .

Another alarming thing I find with traditional marriage counselling.  Is that many marriage counselors would describe themselves as neutral marriage therapists. By that I meant they say they are not in favor of marriage or divorce instead their job in the marriage counseling process is to guide you through a cost-benefit analysis of the relationship.   To put it another way, they plan to assess your marriage by going through a list of pros and cons for staying married. This is a disaster. You cannot weigh up or measure love, connection, friendship, trust, resentment or the emotional cost of divorce.

The modern world has become very consumer orientated and unfortunately this consumer mentality has come into mainstream marriage counseling. Deciding about your marriage is not akin to a purchasing decision . Relationships and family values do not lend themselves to be compared in charts. This approach does not work. It creates more confusion and stuckness. The only way to know if a marriage is save-able is to get out of limbo and into action.

My approach to strengthening marriages is radically different. I am not neutral unless there is physical abuse or danger. I will never tell a couple that their relationship will not work or they are better up apart as some marriage counselors do. I am not on the side of either one of the spouse.  I am on the side of the marriage. This is what couples need. This is why countless couples invest their time and energy in my relationship programs, they want to be guided on how to go about creating a new way forward. I walk couples through proven steps that enable them to know exactly HOW to transform their closeness and clear things holding them back like past hurt, poor communication and resentment. In a way that is authentic to them.

Recently Mary joined the empowered love formula on her own after marriage counseling had failed to have any positive impact on her marriage. After only a week she began to notice some positive changes in how she felt. A few weeks later she noticed a huge shift in her husband’s attitude, he was more helpful around the house and less controlling. I asked her what she attributed her success to, she said with  marriage counselling all she kept being asked was the same questions, “what do you feel?” and “what do you think you should do” she soon got tired of that. She felt she was not learning anything new.

She wanted answers, solutions and suggestions. She said to me “Nicola I am so thankful to find that you give answers and steps for me and us as a couple, it’s completely different to the marriage counseling we tried and that didn’t change anything. If you want to start getting some answers, download my free e-book 7 secrets to fixing your marriage here:

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

You get way more than this e-book when you subscribe to download it. I will also be sending you a list of powerful relationship boosting emails too. To get you well on the way to having the marriage you really want. Click her now https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

If you want to go it alone then follow this exercise. On one side of paper write a list of everything that you are unhappy about (to be kept confidential only for you) on the other side ask yourself – what do I need to let this go? Is it something you need to do, some action your spouse can take? or both. Then when ready, have a positive discussion with your spouse, where you agree for the next 6 weeks to make one behavior request of each other, each week. It can be something simple like “help more with clearing the table, put your phone away for an hour in the evening, plan a night out, or help you to get time to yourself… etc etc. Explore your feelings first alone and then think of ways to make things happier. Sharing complaints without action is futile. If you are stuck not knowing what you want, or what will help, consider getting some support. This is far more productive than leaving it for your spouse to guess and disappoint you.

Hope this article in some way helps,

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you are curious to learn more about how you can transform your relationship today in less than 60 minutes, watch the marriage secret masterclass by clicking on this link https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

It has a reputation for transforming relationships with a 98% success rate. Watch it and see 🙂

Being Blamed In Your Relationship? How To Stop The Blame Game  

How to effectively respond to blame and enhance your marriage.

 

Blame in any relationship is challenging to deal with, even more so in marriage. Your natural instinct may be to blame back. All this does is create more tension.  Husbands and wife’s that blame each other for their unhappiness, actions and inactions find that they get stuck in a spiral of resentment, where they start building a case against each other. I don’t want this for you. If your being blamed for everything in your relationship or you are both trapped blaming one another – this article will hopefully help you put an end to this.

 

The first thing when looking to rid your relationship from blame is recognizing what purpose blame may serve to an individual. Some people revert to blaming others because it protects their self-esteem by diverting attention away from themselves. Others revert to blame because they have learnt early on in life that it is painful to be wrong or in the wrong. Some people blame because it is easier than facing the truth. Then there are some of us who were raised by parents who never took responsibility for their actions.

 

When you are able to take a look at what blame is doing for your spouse and have compassion you will be on the path towards a blame-free marriage. I will share a few stories (names changed ) and what has worked with couples who joined my empowered love online program.

 

First let’s explore whether blame is happening in your marriage

 

Signs of blame in a marriage – what statements are true for you?

 

My partner often blames me for our marriage problems.

 

My partner often blames me for his/her unhappiness.

 

We are both fed up with certain aspects of our marriage

 

My partner refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the problems

 

My partner blames me for their behavior

 

Whenever I try to discuss our relationship my partner I end up being blamed

 

My partner refuses to talk about certain issues

 

I refuse to acknowledge my contribution to the problems

 

I shutdown when I am blamed  or retaliate

 

The more of these signs of blame that exist in your relationship the bigger blame is impacting your marriage happiness .

 

A common question I often get asked is “Nicola what can I do / should I do  when my husband/ wife blames me for the marriage problems.

 

 

Here are some reasons why your husband or wife may blame you

 

Why Your Spouse Blames You

 

  1. Protect Self-Esteem

 

When we blame something or someone else for our behavior we take away the responsibility and focus away from us.

 

Claire and Roberto were fighting over Claire’s sex drive. She was not in the mood for sex after the birth of their second child. She become less and less interested and more and more frustrated with her husband’s advances. She was tired of doing everything single-handedly in the home, whilst Roberto worked and went out more and more, she felt more and mole resentful and isolated. He blamed her for the marriage problems stating that her with-holding sex made him stressed and needing to go out and let off steam. He felt it was her problem to fix her low libido.

 

Claire blamed Roberto, that if he was a more helpful, cheerful and supportive husband, she would find him more attractive and want to be intimate with him. They were stuck in this vicious cycle of blame and neither felt loved or heard.  Both were refusing to look at their own behavior as it was far easier to blame than look within and be willing to make changes. Both secretly felt “I don’t want to have to change, they are the one that needs to change.”     

 

When we blame others for what we say, think and do; we give away our power.  It also damages the relationship because we stop acknowledging and addressing the real problems.

 

Ignored issues only get bigger.

 

The often unconscious thought process for those who blame their spouse is “if I blame myself I will feel inadequate. If I blame my spouse I may get what I want.”  It never works but thinking this way may make them continue to find reassurance in blaming.

 

Mike was having a stressful time in the office and instead of blaming work, he was blaming his wife for his stress because she didn’t make the home as tidy and as quiet as he liked. .

 

For such men and women, their spouse is playing the role of the scape goat.  It protects the self esteem but it harms the marriage.

 

The more a person is insecure the more they will resort to blaming. This is where compassion can come in recognizing that blaming is often not personal, just a way of coping with insecurities.

 

 

 

  1. Blaming is Habitual

 

Sometimes people blame because that is what they have learned to do throughout their life, where blaming has become a habit. Often a person will pick this up from a parent or influential figure growing up. People that do this may not know how to deal with conflict or relationship problems in a healthy way. I have someone like this in my close family, it still amazes me how they are never at fault. To the point where even if they did something they will blame it on someone else for not telling them to or not to. They will even blame the TV or radio show for their actions!  It took me sometime to realise that these people can’t tolerate responsibility for their actions. I  used to get angry but now I really feel for them, they don’t have another way to deal with problems or the courage to look within or accept they may have made a mistake.

 

  1. Blame for Change

 

The great thing about a partner who blames is that they are expressing their viewpoint and the existence of problems. This is healthier for the marriage than bottling up frustrations inside. As denial of problems and burying one’s head in the sand makes it far more difficult to resolve issues. It is also a sign of wanting the relationship to change for the better. A person who blames will stop blaming if they no longer care about the relationship. When people give up complaining it is often because they feel hopeless. So even if they see the only way to improve the marriage as your improving yourself, it’s an indication they care. and you can use the blame to create change.

 

 

Why Do We need To Stop the Blame Game?

 

Blaming is self-destructive – it disempowering rather than empowering. It hurts the relationship and blocks closeness. The fact is people who blame create more negativity for themselves and others.

 

If you allow your spouse to repeatedly blame you, you will eventually emotionally reject your spouse.  There is nothing loving about allowing yourself to be someone’s victim and vice versa.

 

Marriage counseling often focuses on blame. Where a couple go and each take it in turns to share why they think their partner is at fault for the problems. Which is why my approach to strengthening marriages is very different. There is no blame or no painful conversations. I meet many couples who get caught up in the blame game through marriage counselling and leave feeling worse off and further apart than ever before. This is why the empowered love online program ensures results through actions or I give a money back guarantee. It’s because I know the only way for lasting change is through inspired, giving loving action.

 

Occasionally people who blame, want marital counselling because they want the marriage therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse. This does not help the couple either, whether the marriage therapist agrees or doesn’t agree it is not going to make things any better. Some people desperately want the marriage therapist to say their partner is wrong and when they don’t they blame the marriage counsellor for not being very good.  Talking alone does not save a marriage, actions do, which is why forward focused coaching is far more effective in marriage transformation.

 

If you have not yet seen the marriage secret masterclass 60-minute video you can do so, using this link – it shows you how to bring about lasting change in your relationship and become closer. https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Remember who is right and who is wrong ultimately is not the issue here. The real issue is what you can do to increase the love and connection between you and your spouse

I hope you found this useful. Next week I will share more on blame with more steps you can take to deal with a spouse that blames you for everything, so stay tuned for that.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

 

P.S If you liked this article you may also find my free 7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage E-book helpful Copy the below link to access

7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

PP.S

Here is the Marriage Secret Masterclass link – with a 98% success rate in transforming relationships

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

3 Steps to Handling Rejection in Intimate Relationships

Rejection is painful no matter where it comes from, but it is especially hurtful when it comes from your partner…  The one that knows you the most and is meant to love ALL  of you deeply.   Rejection is one of the hardest feelings to experience because it often plays on your mind non-stop, like a stuck broken record… scratching away at you and your sanity.

This is how it used to be for me anyway and having supported 1000’s of people now, I know I am not alone.

My partner would rather watch re-runs of TV than want to spend time or make love to me. It hurt. As he sat there glued to the TV and his laptop day after day, night after night. I felt angry, frustrated and alone.

Then the real gremlins crept in, I started to wonder what is wrong with me.  Was I unattractive, perhaps too fat, too old, too boring or could there be someone else?   I would spiral into negative doubts about myself.

Then at the same time, I would shift the blame back to my partner. “There is something wrong with him”, I would say to myself he was an addict, a geek, abnormal and lazy.

The more I switched back and forth from self-blame to blame the more low energy I was pumping into our relationship and my life. It was like I was poisoning myself from the inside out, with no antidote to save me or us.  The whole relationship felt doomed and my self-esteem plummeted.  I felt wounded and could not shake it.

I remember searching online for some support and stumbled along an article that gave advice saying to

  1. Sit your partner down and tell them how horrible they are making you feel.
  2. Let them know how much pain they are causing
  3. Tell them you want more attention, affection and intimacy

I spoke to well-meaning friends and they said the same thing. Talk it through and point out to him what he is doing wrong…

So I did.

It backfired on me massively.

I didn’t know back then what I do now otherwise I NEVER would have followed it.

He felt attacked and “our talk” pushed us further apart. Of course, he already knew something had shifted in our relationship and he didn’t need it thrown back in his face. After “the talk” we both started analysing the relationship and each other’s behaviour, even more, watching out for any negative signs and actions.

When you look for something you find it!

Small things become big things!

We started to drift further apart, until it was more comfortable to live separate lives, in separate rooms. Low-frequency energy was pouring into the home and relationship like smoke from a fire, drowning us.

I failed to see back then, that my way of handling rejection was making the whole situation worse. That I was lighting this fire we were choking on.

Since then I have been on an extensive transformational 9-year journey of healing, research and self-discovery. During these years I studied psychology, relationships, counselling, hypnotherapy, meditation,  cellular healing, life coaching, conflict resolution, grief and loss, yoga and that’s not all of it. I spent literally 1000’s and 1000’s of dollars and even more hours to find out what works and what doesn’t  when it comes to transforming a relationship. and now having helped couples all over the world online to rebuild love and trust, I want to share a few tips. These work whether the relationship is suffering from a lack of affection and intimacy, financial conflict, family interference, cultural clashes, addictions or poor communication.

Whilst I cannot help  those I support to undo the past and their feelings of rejection, I can support them to let it go, self-sooth and focus on changing what they can control – their energy…

 

Common Causes of Rejection in a Marriage Are:

Refusing affection… cuddles, kisses, holding hands

Withholding sex

Statements like  “I love you but I am not in love with you” or “I don’t deserve your love”

Lack of quality time given and being present

N.B  Rejection from an emotional affair, physical affair or cyber affair requires a different strategy (you are welcome to reach out in private for details on this.)

 

Here are 3 Steps to Handling Rejection In Relationships

 

Step #1.  Handling Rejection – Self-Care

Many people start to scan and attack themselves after being rejected. Where they think ….  there must be something wrong with me, something I am not doing right or they wonder if they are good enough…

Sometimes people punish themselves with addictive habits that don’t serve them, negative self-talk or other forms of self-attacking. This only creates more harm to oneself and the relationship. In order to counteract the pain of rejection, we need to boost our self-esteem and self-love even more. Being nurturing and kind to ourselves is the only way to bring back balance into our lives and the relationship.

Think about it this way, if your partner is being unloving… then he or she is putting a low frequency, low vibe energy into the relationship.  They are essentially injecting it with an “un-love” vibration/mood.  If you then internalise it and also act in a unloving way either towards yourself or them there will be even more low vibe energy in the home and relationship.

Make sense?

If you want to move forward through rejection, then do take self-caring, confidence boosting actions. Do things that make you feel good. You make up 50% of the relationship, and with the right intention and positive energy, you can make 80-90% of the difference.

 

Step #2.  Handling Rejection — Give Without Expectation

As hard as it is, in order to move forward, we must accept the current situation and focus on what we can control – our own actions. You do this through accepting your partner’s behaviour and feelings and move forward in the direction you want. Don’t fight what they say or do, it often pushes them further away.

If you want a loving relationship, there needs to be love flowing in it. So if you want to be treated differently or want your partner to change the only way to do that is to be positive and give love. This makes you far more attractive than being needy or negative.

 

Step #3.  Handling Rejection –  Use It As a Sign to Take Action

Rejection is part of life and happens in all relationships from time to time. There will always be an occasion when one in the couple wants more attention, affection and intimacy and the other is less interested. Don’t take it to heart. They may not be in the mood for a whole host of other reasons. So assume it is temporary and that it will pass.

Low libido is often caused by fear, low mood, work stress and tiredness.  Lack of closeness by addictions, losses and significant life changes. Focus on what you can change – you.

Make an effort to create more fun and happy times.

Many men and women that assume the worse get caught up in a drama that the coldness will be permanent or mean’s “the end”.  This can cause unnecessary tension and strain in the relationship. If you brush it off as a passing phase and be loving and understanding back, it can often radically transform things.

These 3 things all fall under one key action that I help individuals to do and that is to AWAKEN THEIR LOVE ENERGY – If you have liked what you have read and want to find a whole new way to transform your relationship get access to the FREE MASTERCLASS today. Click here now

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

As mentioned if there has been an emotional affair or physical affair in your relationship, you will want to do more than this to rebuild trust and connection.   You have my contact details if you want to find out more about this privately.

As always I hope this has been helpful in some way to you.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S Give yourself and your relationship the gift of watching my masterclass. I created it to help and serve you. You can click on the link here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

 

Is Alcohol Ruining Your Relationship? Tips to Tackle It…

Having worked with 1000’s of couples now either 1 to 1 or in my online empowered love program, conflicts over drinking are common. Nothing is more difficult or heart-breaking than being married to someone who changes personality and is horrible when they are drunk.

Katy met Steve (her now husband 12 years ago) at work.  She fell in love with his outgoing personality, he was always the life and soul of the party, especially when he had had a few drinks. She found his jokes and humour really attractive, they had a world-wind romance and got married after a year of dating. Over the years things started to change. His drinking became more frequent and he became more aggressive when drunk. Now Katy dreads her husband drinking. Whenever they get an invitation to a dinner party, birthday or some other celebration, she starts to think of excuses for them not to go or finds reasons to plead with him to drive and not drink.

“Nicola he is just plain mean to me, he becomes short-tempered  aggressive and makes hurtful remarks about the way I look or what I have said.” He makes me feel like crap.  The next day I tell him what happened and the response is always the same.

He say’s “Really? I don’t remember, I’m sorry you know I don’t mean it, I was just drunk.”  

 Over the years this has become worse Nicola, I’m just not sure how much more  of this I can take…He doesn’t drink every day but when he does he won’t stop for anything. Never mind that we have family things planned or work the next day. I can’t tell you how many weekends, birthdays and holidays have been ruined now, must be  hundreds!”  Katy (name changed)

This is not a rare case, alcohol related relationship problems come up in 1 in 4 couples I work with. It is not only limited to men.  I have supported many husbands who find their wife too much to handle when drunk. This was the case for Ahmad and his wife.

“Nicola our main problem is her drinking, he she becomes another person… she repeats herself, slurs her words and doesn’t want to ever go home or stop. She lies about it all the time too, I know straight away when she has been drinking and it is becoming more and more frequent. Any excuse to drink, she even used our son’s homework as a reason to drink because she found it stressful.  I’m not sure how to get through to her, she sees drinking as fun and  to relax, but it is no fun for us to have another person in the house. I love her and just wish she would stop.!”

Alcohol related relationship problems are very common and when things become strained in the relationship, they tend to intensify. As resentment and frustrations can slip out more easily when under the influence, as inhibitions loosen and a false increased confidence happens.

 

So what can you do about it?

 

Well, I guess like most men and women that share alcohol is an issue in their relationship – you have probably already tried talking about it and nothing has changed?

Often talking does not change anything, in fact, it can make things seem worse. This is because when they repeatedly act in exactly the same way after you have explained begged or pleaded with them to change, their behaviour can hurt much deeper. As you have shown your pain and they carry on regardless.

Having gone through a rough time in Dubai when I first arrived 11 years ago, struggling with feeling lonely and stressed both within and outside of my relationship, I turned to drink for comfort.

For many years I would find myself drinking alone sat on my balcony, night after night. In fact, for over 2 years there wasn’t 1 day I didn’t drink. I was functioning in my job, in fact, I was having major success, but every night I would escape the pressure of life for a few hours by drinking alcohol…. Of course, it was not a real solution to anything, all I was doing was pressing pause on the problems. Everything was still there to greet me in the morning, only it was much harder to face with a weak mind, foggy head and low energy from drinking. I remember day in day out saying to myself almost every single morning… “I don’t want to drink tonight or I’m not going to drink tonight.”  but by the time I got home, I would have come up with a reason why.   It took over my rational thinking. Now I am not saying this is any way similar to your situation, but I do know how to break free of the cycle. Breaking free from the negative cycle of alcohol dependency to cope with life, was one of the most liberating life changing experiences I have ever gone through. It did take effort, plenty of research, planning and study but I have not only managed to completely shift this area of my life, I have helped 100’s of others too. I know what works and what doesn’t. I cannot explain how amazing it is to be free of the grips of alcohol and be in control of it rather than let it control you.

So here are some do’s and don’ts when dealing with a partner who is aggressive or abusive when drunk :

 

Don’t

 

Don’t tell them they are an alcoholic

Don’t try to reason with them when they are drunk

Don’t force them to go to AA or tell them they should never drink again

Don’t make ultimatums

Don’t take any their drunk talk to heart

Don’t accept blame

Don’t tell them they are in denial

 

Do

 

Do encourage activities without drinking

Do support them if they want to get help

Do allow them to address it in their own way

Do ask them what you can change in the way you relate and the relationship

Do research solutions and get support for yourself

Do walk away from challenging times

Do always protect yourself and any children from harm

Do only discuss your relationship issues when sober

 

It is fairly obvious to all of us that individuals react differently to alcohol. What can be difficult to understand is how someone can change from a happy drunk to an irritable or spiteful drunk in the same night or as the years go by.  How we act can be affected by not only the amount we drink, our emotions, weight, health, type of drink, food consumed and stress levels.

The hardest thing many men and women I support find is staying attracted to their partner, when they drink and behave in hurtful ways.  Many also go off drinking alcohol themselves leaving gaps in social companionship.

You may be tempted to say:

“Stop drinking”

“You have a problem”

“You’re in denial”

“Drink less”

Whilst these seem the most obvious and natural solution to fix the alcohol related relationship problems, it’s best not to go down this route.

For any lasting change it needs to come from them. It is important remember  that denial is often at play. Which is why frank discussions often get husbands and wives nowhere. Denial is closely linked with anger and the compulsion to defend. Your partner may find excuses and triggers for the behavior,  rather than look within themselves and take responsibility. You may find you or others around them are blamed.

It’s worth repeating again as it can affect the chances of positive change and recovery happening:

Never tell someone that they are in denial, have a problem or are an alcoholic.

No one wants to being labeled as being out of control, especially by their romantic partner. They may find it easier to admit it to a coach or therapist they trust if there is something they want to change, but to you it may be very hard. This is usually because the stakes are much higher, you will be able to see if they fail at their attempts to change their behaviour. They may also fear you watching and monitoring them.

Before I leave this important topic, I want to address another common question that I always get asked around this subject and that is:

 

“Do I believe the truth comes out when people are drunk?”

No, I do not agree that what is said while drinking is truth.

 

Having worked with countless couples through drinking related relationship problems now, many husbands and wives deeply regret what they said and desperately wish they could undo the words they said and things they did. So I don’t believe that things said by someone drunk should be taken at face value.

 

If it is your drinking or both your drinking that is causing arguments, consider having a break from it while you heal old wounds and become closer.

 

 

The key thing in all of this, is to not suffer in silence, find someone you trust and can talk to. Whether a coach, therapist, friend, or family member. There are also worldwide support groups like Alon and Alcoholics Anonymous you can contact for online or community support.

 

What are your comments about this important issue?

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S I have 2 free resources for you to support you become closer in your relationship. Copy the URL’s to access extra support today

7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Marriage Secret Masterclass

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

Is It Okay to Snoop / Check On Your Partner’s Phone?

Snooping comes up time and time again in my work with couples from all over the world online. Arguments over discoveries after snooping on phones are frequent. This has included

1. Facebook messages to ex’s,
2. Whats app messages sharing intimate details or marriage complaints to friends, family or strangers
3. Flirting with work colleagues or old school friends.

The most common is flirting, which can often cause a lot of heartache, distrust, anger and anxiety in relationships. Many men and women alike confess to me that they regularly snoop on their partner phone. Yet their partner often feels violated, angered and not trusted.
My take on it is:

 

You need to decide as a couple whether it is acceptable or not acceptable. To help you make that decision here are some good arguments for and against.

 

For Snooping and Spying on Your Partner’s Phone
1. A great marriage is a transparent marriage. The benefit of transparency in a relationship should never be underestimated. Full transparency enables couples to have a deeper connection and intimacy. The more you know about each other the easier it is to make each other happy and avoid things that destroy love.

 

2. The more you know each other the better and more meaningful conversations you can have, as you will be able to talk about more than just logistical or financial things.

 

3. Couples that have full transparency often feel more connected and can often find it easier to make joint decisions, as they know more details.

 

4. Snooping can bring a sense of inner peace. When partners check and find nothing – they can feel calmer and relax – which is better for a relationship. Many also argue If there is nothing to hide, then what is the problem with snooping.

 

5. Snooping can help ensure that a partner doesn’t do anything that could hurt the relationship or each other if they know their behaviour could be viewed. The public sharing can hold a person more accountable and this, in turn, can result in behaviour that is more caring, which is good for relationship longevity.

 

6. The risk of an affair can be reduced, as checking a spouse’s phone, helps to ward off any flirty behaviour that might happen if never checked. Given the high incident of infidelity and severe emotional damage it causes, some couples welcome checking to warn off an affair.

 

7. Many pro-checking a partners phone, believe that following your intuition to look and picking up on red flags in the relationship is natural and healthy. And that to ignore the inner signals and signs would be to watch the relationship die without taking any action. They argue it helps the relationship to snoop and follow your own inner wisdom.

 

If you like this approach then – give each other all of your passwords, provide each other with your calendar and phone access. Also consider signing an agreement: whereby you and your partner agree that there is no right to privacy in your marriage and that everything is allowed to be checked and shared.

If you do agree today that there should be no privacy in your marriage and that snooping is allowed, some marriage experts believe that you’ll spare yourselves considerable grief and sorrow. As it warns off affairs and therefore divorce

Mariage expert W. Havrey states that “You should not criticize the snooper. Instead, eliminate the conditions that made the snooping seem reasonable”

 

***************************************************************************************************

 

Against Snooping and Spying on Your Partner’s Phone

 

1. We all have a right to privacy, some argue. No matter what circumstances, many believe that this is a basic human right and should be acknowledged in the marriage.

 

2. Against the argument, many believe that we need to protect our individual identity. As we are individuals first and a couple second, we need to keep our privacy in order to keep our sense of self and that this is healthy for the individual and the relationship.

 

3. Snooping can lead to misunderstandings and wrong assumptions. Texts can be read out of context and leave room for misinterpretation. I have witnessed this, where a lady read her husband’s messages and determined he was homosexual. This affected their intimacy and happiness as she withdrew, yet she later discovered it was not true. Checking information can also result in harmful accusations being made, which is damaging to the relationship.

 

4. Trust is an essential part of a marriage. When two people come together in union they must trust each other. Secretly or overtly spying on your partner’s phone implies that you do not trust them.

 

5. Checking a spouse’s phone can become addictive. If things are misunderstood it can trigger more doubt which can, in turn, to lead to the urge to check more. I once helped a lady to break the habit of checking her husband’s phone every night when he slept. She constantly needed to wake herself up in the night to check. Needless to say, she felt tired and exhausted the next day but could not stop the addictive habit. Another man I worked with would check his fiancées Facebook account 8 to 20 times a day. He always found nothing and she gave him the access but he became addicted to checking to feel comfort and peace of mind.

 

6. It’s better to be an adult and deal with insecurities and red flags in a mature way, by first looking at ourselves then our partner and relationship. Some that are against argue in my online sessions that it is possible to address all of this without checking and invading a partners privacy. Which it can be.

 

7. The finding of something painful or worrying can cause more fear and anxiety which ill impact the closeness. As it does not give the partner the opportunity to explain their point of view. Believers of against state that things need to be addressed openly through willing information, not coercion.

 

***************************************************************************************************

 

As you can see there are two entirely different ways to look at this and that is why it is important for a couple to reach an agreement on it, for what they want in their relationship.

 

My perspective…

 

Personally, I believe, that such incidents are circumstantial. I know when our intuition tells us something we need to listen.

Rather than snoop though I would always recommend trying to address the concerns and focus on making the relationship closer.. Take the urge to snoop as a warning sign that the marriage needs attention. Often people only snoop when things in the relationship are not as close or connected as they once were….

If your marriage has lost its spark, you are no longer in love with each other or there is coldness and distance between you, do something about it today!

Act now before it’s too late!

So many couples wait until their marriage is on the brink of divorce to take any action. Often by then the tension and resentment is at an all time high and the couple are not even friends, let alone lovers.

 

The greatest risk of an affair is when a marriage is no longer romantic. That is when another man or woman steps in to fill the void. Do something about your relationship today so that you or your spouse don’t have to choose between a loveless marriage and infidelity – if that is the case for you. You may want to start by watching my empowered love- marriage secret masterclass I have created that has now strengthened and saved 1000’s of marriages worldwide. https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

And you can also download my free e-book 7 secrets to fixing your marriage here https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

Nicola Beer

 

P.S  Whatever you want for marriage, I believe that part of being in a committed relationship with someone is being available to them by cell phone throughout the day. Be willing and open to give a full account of where you have been and where you will go. Don’t allow secrecy to come between you. Transparency is essential for a healthy and long-term bonding in marriage and for intimacy to be good and flourish.

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is acceptable, secrecy is not in intimate relationships. To find out more how to enhance your relationship watch the empowered love marriage secret master class here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

3 Steps To Handling Divorce Threats or “I’m Not “In Love” With You”

Most people are aware now of the 40-50% average divorce rate in the west and expat communities. Knowing this doesn’t make that any easier if you are living in an unhappy marriage where divorce threats have been made.

The good news is an unhappy relationship doesn’t mean it’s over. That’s because it really only does take one person to save a marriage. This is something I have witnessed now way over a 100 times and get emails in from 1000’s that join my empowered love program or download my free audios and e-books.

How can this be? How can one person save a marriage and stop divorce?

Essentially it comes down to your energy that you feel and put out into your home, relationship and partner. Energy plus the right tools, desire and beliefs can dramatically shift a home full of coldness and tension into one that is fun, happy and relaxed. By switching the energy in yourself and the home, you can stop divorce dead in its tracks. Now you may be thinking this love energy speak is a load of mumbo jumbo, right? I thought that too until I started to practice it and transformed my life. You can find out more about that by watching the video I created on it for you and anyone that wants to increase their love and happiness: it’s about 70 minutes to make sure you take some time out to sit and enjoy. Click here or copy the URL

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

For now, let’s get back to handling the threat of divorce or the dreaded words “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

It’s completely natural to feel panicked or defeated if your partner wants a divorce, but this doesn’t mean that he or she won’t come around. Those that join my coaching programs are often on the brink of divorce or navigating new waters after an affair. One or both partners seem to have given up or show up ambivalent about staying together in the beginning. This often shifts when they apply these 3 powerful strategies to deal with the threat of divorce and to stop divorce:

  1. Empathise, accept and validate their feelings
  2. Retreat and focus on your own happiness
  3. Stop talking and create meaningful times

 

The problem is we often try to address the threats of divorce and stop divorce by doing the opposite of these three things. As I explain below to empower you to take on a new approach to stop the threats of divorce.

 

Strategy #1 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Empathise, accept and validate their feelings  

If you are married to someone who has become very negative about you, your relationship and or life, it can be difficult to hear and listen to their negative outlook. The natural instinct is to try to convince them they are wrong, to point out all the good or how negative they are being. The trouble with this strategy is that it will alienate them,  it will push them further away. This is because when we do feel down in life or with a relationship, we tend to fixate on our negative feelings. In fact, we tend to become very attached to our feelings and often our feelings become so consuming they are all we have to go on at the time.. So for someone to say that our feelings (the one thing we are attached to) are wrong, it is easy to become defensive and want to justify our position. Rather than switching their thinking away from the negative, it pushes their attention back to it, so they can come up with all the reasons the relationship won’t work.

So you need to do the opposite when a divorce threat is made. Empathise with them, accept their feelings.  Don’t fight them as you will only prove their point that you can’t get along.

Say something like

“I hear you”

“Yes, things have been strained”

“I can see how you might feel that way”

Show you are really listening to them, and that their happiness is important to you.

The key here is to LISTEN, ACCEPT AND VALIDATE  their point of view. Show them you understand their perspective, so defenses drop and a new way forward can be created.

 

Strategy #2 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Retreat and focus on your own happiness

When the person you love says they want to walk away from you and the marriage, your natural instinct may be to cling to him or her. To ponder to their needs and wishes and be available for them all the time. But begging, pleading or showing them how much you cannot cope without them, is not attractive or enticing.

The best thing you can do to save your marriage and stop divorce is to step back and do your own thing. Calmness and giving space will allow them to reflect and rethink. Ideally, you want to show you care about them and you don’t want a divorce without yelling, blaming, begging or drama.

Focus on you. You may have a list of things that you wish your partner would change in the relationship. Yet always say to people when I work with them that we can never really work on “the relationship” we can work on ourselves and when we do the relationship changes.

Do you look after yourself? Your needs? Your happiness? Do you have a good network of support, friends, family, a relationship mentor?  That you can reach out to when you are feeling stressed, angry, desperate, hopeless about the relationship. Have someone you can reach out to during this time, find someone that offers unlimited email support when finding a relationship counsellor or coach so that you can offload when you need to. Everyone that joins my programs has unlimited email support to me, it’s helpful to prevent overreacting when saving the marriage and stopping divorce.

Focus on feeling good. Do one thing that makes you happy and one thing that makes you laugh every day. More ideally if you can.  Make it a habit. For me a hot shower with essential oils, exercising, comedy tv shows, funny YouTube videos, banana smoothies and a call with a friend or my mum all make me feel good.

 

Strategy #3 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Stop talking and create meaningful times

When you follow the first 2 steps your partner will likely come round on some level. Then you want to focus on re-establishing contact and creating positive times. Whether that is a coffee, dinner, family day out. Only once you are having a good time can good conversations and solutions happen. Couples that try to talk through their differences when one or both is anxious, hurt, negative or resentful often end up worse off.  This is often why marriage counseling can drive a couple further apart. In fact the reason I decided to help save relationships was because going over the past was not helping couples divorcing. When you or your partner makes a threat of divorce – loving action is needed.  Going over what went wrong often creates more negativity, hopelessness and bitterness – the very thing that destroys connection and closeness.  So if you have tried talking things through on your own or in a marriage counselling session and it has failed to make any difference watch the empowered love marriage secret masterclass video here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

It is not just for marriages with divorce threats, it’s for anyone that wants to experience more love and happiness in their relationship and life. It has a 98% success rate in making a positive change to your relationship just by watching it https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

From my heart to yours, have a great week ahead. Nicola

 

P.S If you know there no way you can find the time to watch the video today, copy and paste this link into your calendar for an hour so when you won’t be interrupted https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

P.PS If your marriage is on the brink of divorce, don’t wait another minute feeling confused or stuck – get my 7 secrets to saving your marriage here https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

How long does it take to heal after an affair?  The stages of healing after an affair – By Nicola Beer

Having worked with 100’s of couples now looking to repair the relationship or heal themselves after an affair, most want to know how long does it take to heal and what are the stages of healing after an affair.  Like when dealing with a significant loss, loss of a loved one, financial loss or health loss there is no set time period for the healing process after an affair. We all deal with loss in different ways and the discovery of a cheating husband or cheating wife is often a very different situation and experience from one person to the other. That being said, having helped countless men and women searching for marriage counselling after an affair has happened, there are some similar questions that come up. Such as:

 

  • Do I stay or leave the marriage?
  • Will my cheating husband or wife will cheat again?
  • How can we rebuild trust?
  • How can I forgive the affair and put the past behind me?
  • How can I stop the flashbacks and dreams of their infidelity?
  • How can I help my husband or wife heal after my affair?
  • How long it takes to heal after an affair ?
  • How long does it take for the relationship to recover after an affair?

 

Anxiety is often very high, so today I want to provide an understanding of the typical time line of stages of healing after an affair, as a guide to support anyone going through this.   It is important to know that none of the stages are rigid in terms of time frame, or even exact order. Although understanding the healing process after an affair can be helpful for many.

 

The stages of healing after an affair

 

Healing can begin from the first day of disclosure and an admission that affair has happened. Without honesty and admission of the affair, healing cannot begin, as the person is often battling with trying to piece together evidence and therefore are stuck with huge anxiety, confusion, hurt  and fear.

 

 

Healing after an affair starts on first day of admission: 

 

0-3 months after an affair

 

 

This period of time will undoubtedly be very traumatic for the betrayed husband or wife. If this is has happened to you it is natural to be distraught and devastated on learning of your husband’s or wife’s infidelity.  It’s inevitable that you will experience all types of emotions including confusion, numbness, pain, fear, anger and sometimes relief or love. You may also start to attack yourself and internally question yourself by saying things like:

 

How could this happen to me / us?

What’s wrong with me?

Why me?

What have I done to deserve this?

 

Or critically examine whether you are attractive, sexually desirable or fun enough.

 

It is important to consistently reiterate to yourself that it is not your fault that your husband / wife had an affair. You are not to blame. This is not to say that elements of your own behaviour and actions should not be questioned or altered in the future, but for now do not allow yourself to feel responsible for their affair. Cheating is a choice and this choice was not yours.  It was ultimately their choice to be unfaithful and have the affair.

 

When men and women come to me for marriage counseling straight after the affair has happened and want to know whether to stay or leave their marriage, I urge them at this stage not to make any major decisions. You will not be thinking clearly or coherently in the first few weeks. Your emotions will be flip flopping all over the place, anxieties and images may also be flooding your mind. The first thing I support individuals and couples to do is to restore calmness and peace, we then set an action plan for steps to recover the relationship after an affair.

 

During this period it is also likely that the offending spouse will be going through a variety of feelings. From confusion, depression, despair, guilt, regret and shame.

 

What is key at this stage is to ensure that you are meeting your basic health needs. Ensure that you are eating well: a healthy balanced diet is required to support you, as well as taking plenty of time to process the news, rest and sleep. It is very common for people to experience weight-loss and disturbed sleep during this time. Or to want to resort to alcohol or junk food for comfort. This will not aid your recovery neither will working or exercising excessively. Through taking good care of yourself physically and mentally  you will help to create the beginning of some stability.

 

I like to say that the way to treat yourself during the beginning few weeks, is like a child who has the cold or flu. Rest, sleep, watch tv that makes you smile and feel good, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving, positive, supportive people. Be careful who you share the news with, well-meaning friends and family can often give very confusing, conflicting or extreme advice that may leave you feeling worse.

 

 

For the relationship after an affair

 

The cheating husband or cheating wife will need to cut all ties with the affair partner if there is any chance of reconciliation and repair.  When couples come for marriage support to save the marriage and the affair partner is still in the background, it makes saving the relationship far more difficult.

 

To rebuild trust after an affair, you will both need to be taking action to become closer. Small daily habits of kindness, affection, love and care will go a long way to rebuilding trust.  This is why I don’t believe in or practice traditional marriage counseling. Talking about the issues will not reinstall love, trust and respect… relationship coaching with actions to move forward and heal does! To get more tips check out my podcast show by clicking here

 

Itunes for apple users

Stitcher  for google play

 

3-6 months after an affair

 

This may be the time where the initial roller coaster of emotion begins to subside somewhat.  It may be the phase to start looking at what influences were at play in causing the affair. Looking at the influences can support you whether you decide to part ways or stay together.

 

Expect that there will be a lot of confrontation during this time. Fighting and disagreements over big and small things are common after an affair in this stage. It’s vital that some marriage guidance on communication is sought.  Especially if you had poor communication before the affair. Learning new ways of relating and engaging with one another will help you pull through.  Talking it through with a trusted person can help to process and let go.  I have 15 communication success principles I take couples through to change the way they communicate forever.

 

If you are still suffering don’t be too hard on yourself during this time. Undoubtedly you will have days when you want to give up on trying, when it feels too difficult to keep going. These are the times when you need to reach out and utilise all the resources you have at hand. It’s a time to continue to give yourself a ton of self-love. Insecurities will hopefully lessen during this period, if you have addressed them.

 

As a couple it’s a great time to put new strategies in place of how you will build back your connection, love and trust.  Loving patience on both sides is crucial, as you develop a new direction for the relationship after an affair.

 

 

6 months – 1year after an affair

 

 

There is a chance that you may well have reached a stage where your marriage is healed during this time. However, for some there will be some very difficult days following the affair. Nevertheless, you will hopefully have moved to a phase where you can start to feel enjoyment in previously loved activities and function on a more normal level socially and at work. Taking control of your thoughts and managing any insecure feelings is key here, as they often don’t go away by themselves. Check out my podcast show for more help, focused on how to heal from affairs, deal with insecurity and control your thoughts.

 

Itunes Click here

 

Stitcher podcast platform for google play

 

 

1-2 Years after an affair

 

Hopefully  overtime you will have reached a stage where you can begin to feel connected to your spouse and look forward to a future with them again free from fear. If there is still a lack of trust, respect or marital unhappiness, extreme insecurity or jealousy marriage counseling or individual counseling on clearing of the past maybe required.

 

Forgiving and Forgetting after an affair

 

There’s forgiving and there’s forgetting. Forgiving brings freedom of past pain. Truthfully, it is incredibly unlikely that you will ever forget about being betrayed by your spouse. However, through true healing it is possible to remember the event without the associated hurt  you experienced initially.

 

 

Overall the most important thing is to be careful not to allow other people to tell you what to do. Remember that we are all different and what works for one person may not necessarily work for you! It is important that you make your own decisions at a time, and in a space that is right for you.

Here are the links again if you want some free audio guidance.

Itunes for apple users 

Stitcher  for google play

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola Beer

 

Nicola Beer

 

nicola@purepeacecoaching.com

www.nicolabeer.com

 

P.S If you liked this article then you will love my marriage secret masterclass on how to create more love, happiness and closeness in your relationship. It’s a free masterclass that has helped saved 1000’s and 1000’s of marriages now in less than 1 hour! Watch it now – it’s 100% free

You can sign up for free here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

8 Things To Do When You Feel Like Giving Up On Your Marriage

We all can probably remember a time in our lives where we have felt like giving up. Where we have felt exhausted, drained, alone and hopeless.  I remember feeling so low at times that I could not see the point in trying or fighting anymore. Whether in the setup phases of my business many years ago or in my love life. During these times where I felt crushed, I would often ask myself

“what’s the point?”  Having worked with 1000’s of couples now in my online programs I am not alone.

Many relationships inevitably hit a point where both parties may think

“what’s happened to us?”

“Where did things go wrong?”

“Why can’t things go back to how they used to be?”

When there seems to be more negative than positive times. Or where you feel more lonely and unhappy when in the same room than apart. Or where you are like ships passing in the night , living separate lives:

Many men and women share with me that they wonder whether it’s time to give up on their  marriage? Whether separation or divorce is the way forward? Whether it’s best for them to just quit trying to save their marriage?

While it may be tempting to throw in the towel, often that is not the best solution.

Here are some steps to consider when you feel like giving up on your marriage:

 

  1. Talk it all through calmly

Now this one seems so obvious, doesn’t it? But you will be surprised at how people bury their head in the sand when problems arise in their marriage. Where they avoid the issues or each other to keep the peace. Marriage problems won’t disappear when left ignored. Instead, the exact opposite tends to happen. The unresolved differences cause resentment to build until one or both explode, sometimes without the possibility to repair. Or where the resentment has caused so much coldness and distance even the friendship has gone.

The key is discussing and making suggestions for change. Being willing to listen wholeheartedly to each other’s viewpoints and validate one another’s opinion by saying things like

“can I see your point of view”

“what you are saying makes sense”

and then giving your point of view.

The aim is to really get clear on what you both feel needs to change and working on it collectively. I find that creating a plan instantly makes me feel better when things seem hopeless. With no direction or plan to follow it’s easy to sink into depression.

Couples excel when they create a plan of action to make things better. If giving up on your marriage is a constant feeling get into some form of action.

 

  1. Consider some marriage support

If communication is difficult or you have no idea how to move forward talk to a few couple counselors and find a couple counselor that is forward focused in their approach.

There is no shame in asking for help; it’s actually a mark of maturity to realise that you want more for yourself and your marriage than putting up with the status quo. Having a couple counselor to guide you, can save you years of wasted time and energy simply hoping things will get better on their own. Things rarely change for the better through time, because resentment and negativity often breeds.

Reputable couple counsellors and couple counselling offices will often give a free marriage assessment where you can see if you like their approach and method to saving marriages. Take advantage of this and ask questions before you commit. You may want to ask for their experience in helping couples to save their marriage. As well as whether they have an outline or plan that is future focused or is purely talking through the marital issues. Many couples, unfortunately, find that paying to repeat all the past pains is not only a waste of time and money but that it sends them backwards rather than forwards.

If you keep having the same conversation time and time again and it feels like you are going around and around in circles, with neither of you really hearing each other that’s when a good couple counsellor can support you. Providing they bring a different approach to the table.

If you are undecided about whether or not to save your marriage, then individual counselling or coaching can also be an excellent choice. This is particularly useful if you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, guilt or anger. As such strong emotions are likely to cloud your judgment.

 

  1. Reconnect to why you fell in love with him/her

You fell in love for a reason. Is it worth giving up on this? To help you through the difficult times it can be useful to remind ourselves of the person and qualities we fell in love with. My man is attentive, caring, supportive the majority of the time unless his workload or  stress takes over. Then he naturally becomes preoccupied. During this time, I have a choice I can see his behaviour critically or I can let it go because in the grand scheme of things he has a good heart and is a great partner. It takes practice to retrain your thinking but can be done and will make a huge shift in how you feel which will impact the relationship.

Let’s do an exercise together. Right now put your right hand on your heart, close your eyes and feel into it for a moment. Then ask your self these questions closing your eyes in between.

Why did you pick your partner? How did they make you feel at the start?  What made your connection and romance so special? What do you love about them? What do you appreciate most about them?  When you ask these questions notice what comes up. Often people feel warmth a shift of love inside or they smile.

If your dreams hopes and expectations have been shattered in pieces by disrespect, cheating, dishonesty, lack of attention or affection, then it may be hard to do this so move to the next one.

 

  1. Self-care

If you are feeling like giving up right now, are heartbroken or if resentment, anger and bitterness are consuming you and your energy. You need to focus on self-care first or in parallel with any couple counseling or relationship work that you perhaps decide to do on your own.

Giving yourself love, attention, care and kindness is key. I say to those I work with, treat yourself as if you have the flu, don’t expect too much from yourself when emotionally empty on good feelings. Just be loving to yourself by focusing on your health, happiness and growth.

 

  1. Accept and embrace change

 

One thing in life is certain and that is change.  We all change and our circumstances constantly change too, this is one of the only guarantees in life. When we commit to someone we can often expect them to be our everything; our emotional, physical and mental support, as well as expect them to be exactly the same as when we first met.

 

Yet as much as we may wish this to be true, it is unfair and unrealistic for us to expect them to stay the same and vice versa.

 

When I work with couples online we focus on the future, we don’t bother trying to get the relationship back to how it was in the beginning, that’s a pointless task. Instead, we together define what the couple want the new relationship be like. We then look at actions that will bring the couple closer together. In these online sessions, we usually cover

 

1.  Actions to create more love, fun, passion and understanding

2.  Releasing resentment and removing negativity

3.  Future goals, new ways of communicating and aligning

 

Change is a given, the goal is to continually unfold into the best versions of ourselves by supporting each other through the changes.

The question is are you willing to create new dreams and a new way forward together?

     

     6. Practice forgiveness

Forgiving can seem to be hard, yet it is total freedom. It frees you from carrying the burden of the past and enables you to move forward. Get help to release past memories and events if you need to. Or get my free hypnotherapy forgiveness meditation here https://training.nicolabeer.com/forgive-mp3

 

7. Discover the truth

If you are sitting on the fence you will hurt your butt!

So better to take action to gain clarity and make a plan to move forward.  Whether that’s talking it through with a marriage counsellor, making an effort to talk it through together and change things in your relationship or taking time for yourself to explore your true feelings.

 

Being honest with ourselves is the only way forward.

 

You have all the answers inside of you.

 

Trust your gut feeling.

 

Ask yourself  Have I tried everything to save my marriage?   Or If I gave up on my marriage now, could I do so knowing that I gave it my all?

 

Many men and women regret giving up on a relationship too soon ending it on the emotion of the moment. Only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to a partner who is 2nd best. Where later both spouses realise that they still love each other more than they can love anyone else and with the right help could have worked it out if only they tried.  Wait and assess if you are unsure on what to do.  You don’t need to know how it can work yet, first is the desire.

 

8. Give Love first before giving up

    Give Attention, Appreciation and Affection

Before you give up on your marriage implement the 3 A’s for 3 months focus on giving to both yourself and your partner. You count too. Often we either give too much at our own sacrifice or have stopped giving love.

I hope this has been insightful or useful to you if you want more free support to strengthen your relationship join my empowered love master class it has helped strengthen 1000’s of relationships and there may be something you pick up that could be useful to you.

Register here: https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S Add to your calendar to check out the Empowered Love Master Class!

This FREE talk has a 98% Success Rate in Improving Relationships

 

Learn 3 Simple Secrets that will Strengthen Your Relationship, YES! even if you’re the only one trying

 

Restore the intimate connection and revitalise your loving bond!

+++

Plus I’ll show you exactly why traditional Marriage Counseling doesn’t work!

 

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

How to Heal From An Affair – Surviving Infidelity  

Nothing is more painful and crushing than finding out the partner you promised to have and hold forever has cheated and lied to you. It can ton feel like your whole world has come crashing down like a ton of bricks. Feelings of anger, fear and hurt can flood your system. Along with the shattering news are shattered dreams, hopes, and expectations you had for your relationship and the future. It’s natural to feel lost, numb and change your mind or consistently questioning yourself about what you want next.

Very often the women and men I support to survive infidelity ask themselves these questions time and time again:

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • What has she/he got that I haven’t got?
  • How come I didn’t see the affair coming?
  • How could they lie to me?
  • Will I ever be able to trust men/ women again?
  • Is the marriage over?
  • Am I unattractive or rubbish in bed?
  • How could I be so stupid?

Let me start by saying if this is your situation, you are not stupid and there is nothing wrong with you. Husbands and wives cheat for various reasons, sometimes it’s because things are missing in the relationship but just as common it’s because of the pull and excitement of someone new. Then there is also sex addiction which is a behavioral issue. Sex addiction is a problem that needs therapy to fix.  None of this can be your fault. And let’s say even if they did cheat because things were not going smoothly in the relationship, it was still a choice. How on earth could you be responsible for them making that conscious decision to cheat?  You couldn’t. You weren’t there and aren’t them! So check out this surviving infidelity guide.

The healing process after an affair is not  always straight forward. Although the first 6 months are the typically the hardest. The women and men I’ve helped come out the other end happier and stronger have taken time for themselves to reflect and focus on their needs. This is needed to survive infidelity and save the marriage if that’s what the individual and couple want to do.  

 

So how can you help yourself heal after a cheating husband or cheating wife and survive infidelity?

 

Here are 6 steps to support you survive infidelity: 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 1  Give your Self-Esteem and Confidence a Boost

When I found out my partner had cheated I compared myself to every woman I saw. I felt my hair looked dull, my clothes were old, my teeth weren’t white enough and my stomach was bulging.  I’d look in the mirror with the sleepless nights and drink I consumed to “help” take in the news, I didn’t look my best. But the last thing I needed to hear was self-criticism. My own harsh self-judgment made the news even harder to deal with, so take it from me be kind to yourself, it helps!.

I managed to change things around and focused on ways to give myself a boost. I joined a running club, even though I hadn’t run since I was at school. The club was training for a half-marathon and they encouraged me that I could do it. Running was an instant mood and physical booster, I felt fit and powerful. There are so many clubs out there find something that will make you feel good, take on a new challenge. 

Some women I’ve supported online after their husband’s cheating treat themselves to some new clothes or shoes, visit a spa, get their teeth whitened or opt for a new hair style.

Men have found boxing, starting a new business venture or extreme sport helpful. Many get into fitness and find that more satisfying and supportive to surviving infidelity than drowning their sorrows. 

What will make you feel better about yourself quickly?

If you are really suffering from self-criticism, you may also want to invest in some hypnotherapy for releasing the past and boosting your confidence. I give hypnosis sessions regularly in my practice online via skype and they work wonders to calm anxiety and feel good again. As even if we know we are loveable and desirable, at night our mind can keep us awake with the pain.Find a hypnotherapist that will record it for you, so you can listen to it again and again. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy 2  Look after yourself physically

You may not feel like eating while surviving infidelity or you may feel like eating for comfort all the foods that clog your system. However right now what your body needs is quality nutrition and plenty of rest. I know it’s easier said than done, I turned to alcohol and it made me feel a whole lot worse. I’d wake up in the night tossing, turning and sweating and the morning was much harder. Naturally, also my mind became weak.   If you really can’t eat you are not alone, at least have protein shakes, soups, and smoothies to help you get through it. Go for long walks, cycle or do something active in the home like cleaning or washing your car to boost your mood. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 3 Quiet time

You may want to distract yourself by keeping busy, so you don’t have the chance to process and reflect. All this does is press pause on the healing process, to heal we need to allow ourselves time to feel the raw emotions.Meditation can be great, walks, baths, make sure you have some time to reflect and process. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 4 Avoid Life-Changing Decisions When In Emotional Trauma

Many women and men that approach me for marriage counseling support after the discovery of an affair want to know what action to take next: whether to stay or leave their home, whether to get divorced, whether to tell their children about the affair or what is going on.

Having worked with 100’s of people now survive infidelity one thing I know for sure is that it is important to not make any life altering decision in the first few months.  While you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity you are still dealing with the emotional pain, confusion and hurt. Even though you may feel like your situation is hopeless or that you have made up your mind, why rush?  Those that give themselves time to process feel more relaxed and at ease than those that panic their way forward.

When it comes to telling children, you have to question your reasons for wanting to tell them. Some want to tell the children to ensure they don’t get the blame for the marriage suffering, or to punish the cheating husband or wife to  make them pay for what they have done. This does not benefit the child. We learn about relationships and love from our parents, so children need protecting. Children often worry, feel guilty or forced to take sides when they learn of affairs.

Deciding to stay or leave a marriage is also best left until later. Many people who make a decision to leave straight away in the emotion of the moment, go on to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to a man or woman who is 2nd best. Where later both spouses realise that they still love each other more than they can love anyone else and with the right help could have worked it out if only they tried.  Wait and assess if you are unsure on what to do, this is important to survive infidelity.

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy 5 Don’t let others tell you what to do

It’s great to be around people who love you. But don’t let others tell you how to live your life. Everyone is different and well-meaning friends and family can often give conflicting and confusing advice. Don’t attempt surviving infidelity alone, but also don’t rely on other people to tell you what to do. If you are stuck, seek advice from an expert or ask a friend to listen without giving advice.

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy  6  Marriage Counselling

Many women and men seek marriage counseling too late when they could have benefitted from talking it through and getting help to stop painful images and thoughts.  Even if you are undecided on what you want finding a marriage counsellor that has experience in helping individuals and couples survive infidelity. Deciding what to do after an affair is a life changing decision, so you will want to make sure you find a couples counsellor you can trust to support you.  The best way to find a good marriage counselor is through referrals or through reviewing their online presence, reading their articles, listening to their podcasts or video’s and seeing if you can relate to them. Just remember you don’t have to stay with a marriage counselor that you don’t like or that focuses on the past. Now more than ever go with what works for you.

As a final word of advice, the most important thing to do is be loving with yourself and give yourself time in surviving infidelity  If you found this useful and would like to get more support on surviving infidelity or saving a marriage… check out the link below with free audio episodes to help you available on Itunes or SoundCloud (just search my name Nicola Beer

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-save-your-marriage-nicola-beer-i-relationship/id1159253732?mt=2

From my heart to yours have a wonderful week ahead

Nicola Beer

www.nicolabeer.com

 

P.S  Join me on the Empowered Love Master Class!

 1000’s of Relationships worldwide have been saved after watching this FREE online master class.

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

This FREE talk has a 98% Success Rate in Improving Relationships

What you will learn:

Learn 3 Simple Secrets that will Strengthen Your Relationship, YES! even if you’re the only one trying

Restore the intimate connection and revitalise your loving bond!

+++

I’ll show you exactly why traditional Marriage Counseling doesn’t work!

Can’t wait to share the 3 secrets with you

Click Sign-up to reserve your spot NOW! > https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

First Impressions Matter in Dating. First INTERACTIONS Matter in Marriage! The Key To Happiness

 

We have all heard time and time again in the home, at school and in the work place that first impressions count. Whether that’s our mothers trying to get us to polish our shoes, wear something we don’t like or advice given for a job interview. Having helped saved thousands of marriages now, either through my online programs or in person in couple counselling in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, UAE. I have come to learn that First Interactions count massively and something I always discuss in my approach to marriage counselling. Let me share a story of a couple I recently helped, who sought marriage counseling to stop arguing. Names changed to protect confidentiality.

 

Ann had just returned from a long vacation away with her 2 children and was looking forward to the family being together again and starting the new school term. Eric had missed them deeply while they were away and he stayed in Dubai. He was excited to see them and even though they had talked about marriage counseling in the past, he thought they wouldn’t need it, as communication was positive when apart. BUT as they settled back into the school and work routine again they found the same stresses, tensions, and arguments; soon resurfaced.

 

Ann found Eric’s daily habits irritating. The way Eric just came home from work, switched on the TV and zoned out as soon as he got in. She felt unseen, unimportant and unappreciated.  “It’s like having another child in the house Nicola, no support, no communication and sulking as soon as I ask him to do something. He is a grumpy old man again. Everything is always up to me to do and I often wonder why am I bothering.”

 

Eric needed to unwind after a draining day at work, the last thing he wanted to listen to when he got in was a list of problems, stresses, and complaints. Yet this is what he felt like he got. He couldn’t understand why Ann always greeted him with a “face like thunder”,  why was she always so moody and aggressive,  when he was working so hard for the family?  He couldn’t believe that she had a problem with him watching TV either,  as she was always on facebook and Instagram. The evening interaction started badly and continued that way.  A bad start to their evening set the tone for more bickering, whether that was at the dinner table, the kid’s bath time or before bed.  They sought marriage counselling because they felt like they just couldn’t get along anymore. After an icy cold evening, they barely gave each other a nod good bye in the morning.

 

Like many couples I work with, they didn’t realise how key first interactions are. Get the first interaction right at the start of your evening together, you will set the tone for a close, connected, and engaging time. Evenings that start hostile continue that way and the same goes for the weekend.

 

Ann and Eric explained during the couple counselling session that their weekends were never very positive. This too was because they often started the weekend off on the wrong foot. Eric would come home have a few drinks and want to relax and do nothing the next day. Ann wanted to go out and do something different, to mix with friends and fill the weekend with family activities. They tried talking about their differences but because they only did this when they were already feeling disappointed, stressed, annoyed and frustrated their conversations didn’t resolve anything.   Only a few weeks into the new term and they were clashing on everything again, just like before and wondered if it was best they lived apart.

 

When we began the marriage counselling in Dubai I explained the importance of “first interactions ” and gave them this only to focus on. Ann said “I cannot believe what a difference it has made to our relationship Nicola, this simple exercise has turned the coldness into closeness.   I will share now with you the main points I covered in the marriage counseling:

 

Take Charge of Your First Interactions  

 

Morning – be loving, kind and connect first

Make sure you start the day positive. What couples choose is always different, it is important to pick what works for you. This could be acts of kindness in the morning like: making each other a cup of coffee or tea, working out together, kissing/hugging each other, avoiding being on your phones.

 

Coming in from work – be loving, kind and connect first

For this one, you ideally need to share the way you would love to be greeted when you enter the house or when your partner arrives home.

For example some people love to be left alone to shower, lie down, meditate or absorb in something brain numbing to unwind. Other people love a hug, conversation and want to interact with the family. Some people love to be greeted with a tidy house or dinner ready and need to eat straight away, some like to go for a walk or be in nature.  Some people just need a caring “how was your day?”

It’s important to discuss this ideal and work out a win win and compromise.  If you like opposite things, take it in turns to please each other and find a happy medium.

 

Before bed – be loving, kind and connect first

Our interactions before bed, can often set how we sleep and wake up feeling. Whether you go to sleep at the same time in the same bed or not, saying a good night and checking on how each other feel is something that really helps a deep connection develop.

 

Think about how your, mornings, evenings and weekends start. What needs changing? What would help you to move forward and get along better perhaps? Or if you are already getting on well, what would make life more enjoyable or easier for you?

 

Having worked with 1000’s of couples now all over the world to strengthen or save marriages this really works to avoid arguments or icy silences.

 

This is just one of the many ways I help couples to become closer through forward focused discussions. Another major way is through the empowered love formula. If you liked this then you will really like the free marriage masterclass I created it’s a video jam packed of life-changing relationship advice for women and men which you can watch here for free right now:  https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Have a great week ahead, from my heart to yours, Nicola

 

Nicola Beer

 

P.S All you need to do to register for more relationship advice for men and women is visit https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Sign in and you will be given special access to the video. Places are limited because I have a very special offer that the end which I can only give to a certain amount of people.

Reserve your spot today https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

Page 1 of 912345...Last »