Are You Be Giving or Receiving Too Much in Your Relationship?

A Balancing Act – The Importance of Receiving Love and Giving Love

It’s better to give than to receive is a phrase that is used far too often and often without any explanation. It is definitely good to give but it’s not necessarily better. What’s important is that we have a balance between giving and receiving. To have balance in your life and in particular in your relationships it’s important to strike a balance between how much you give and how much you receive. When we give and receive in equal amounts in life, we are in balance and we are working with the laws of the universe, not against them.  Life, as we know it is about balance and everything depends on this finite quality. When our environment, our body or our relationship is out of balance things can start to go very wrong.  It can often lead to marriage problems.

 

So why is receiving often harder than giving? For some people receiving is seen as a sign of weakness and in some cases a fear of dependency or a fear that there might be strings attached. Alternatively, a difficulty in receiving could also be as simple as a belief that we hold that we don’t deserve what is being given to us. Lastly, it could be as basic as bad habit that we’ve learned from a parent. If a person grew up in a family where one parent gave all the time, always put other people first and themselves last then it’s highly likely that the child of that parent would mimic that giving pattern later on in their own life and also become a giver. To identify if you are more of a giver than a receiver, look at your own experiences as a child. What were your parents like? How did they act? Did you see them both give and receive or was one parent the giver and the other one the receiver? DO you see any connection between how you were raised and how you act today? Once you have identified which side of the fence you are on – are you more of a giver or more of a receiver, it’s time to look at how you and your partner can get to a place of balance to avoid marriage problems. How can you start to receive more today and feel just as good about receiving as you do about giving?

 

  1. Start with something small. For example, if your partner gives you a complement about your outfit and how great you look in it, don’t try and undermine their genuine attempt to be nice and deny them that feeling by saying something like ‘Oh that old thing’. A simple thank you is all you need to say. It might feel awkward or even uncomfortable but the more you practice saying thank you instead of rejecting and pushing away complements, the easier it will be to accept them and believe them.
  2. Identify any beliefs that you may have about receiving. Do you truly believe that it’s ok for you to receive or do you feel guilty about receiving? Beliefs may feel like they are permanent but with a bit of work they can be replaced with new beliefs that will work for you rather than against you. This can solve many marriage problems.
  3. When you believe it’s ok for you to receive then giving will open up doors for you to receive. The more you give, the more you will receive. However, do remember be wary of this as we should never give with the intention to receive. The Universe will reward us for giving but we shouldn’t expect it. The way to look at this to trust that as you give in life, so life will give back to you. It might not be when you expect or in ways you ever imagined and it may not even from the person you are hoping to receive from but if you trust that as you give you will receive – so it will be.
  4. Lastly, remember how good it feels when you do something really selfless for someone else and focus on those feelings. Don’t deny others the chance to feel good by giving to you. When you think about not receiving something, whether it’s your partners affection, complements, love or even gifts, think about how good it feels to give and give that person the opportunity to feel those great feelings by allowing them to give to you. Giving and receiving love, attention and affection can keep marriage problems at bay.

 

Bringing balance back into any relationship is neither hard nor easy but it does require commitment and consistency. The more we open up and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our partners the quicker and easier it will be to foster change.  So if you are a giver, practice receiving, if you are a receiver practice giving and notice what comes up for you. Keep the flow of abundance in your life by practising both giving and receiving and remember that neither one is better than the other and that they both work in harmony to create balance. The more you receive the more you have to give and the more you give the more you will receive.

 

Wishing you an abundance of love, from my heart to yours Nicola

 

P.S If are having any kind of marriage problems at the moment and you liked this article then I’m almost certain you will like my FREE E-book 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage which includes steps to increase relationship happiness and closeness, as well as guidance to overcome marriage problems. You can download your free copy here http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

Who Wears the Pants in Your Relationship? Marriage Problems -5 Signs of Controlling Behaviour

We all know the saying ‘Who wears the pants in your relationship’ but have you ever taken a step back and really thought about it? Who wears the pants in your relationship? Do you both wear them, or does one of you predominantly wear the pants and control the relationship?  Either way, a healthy relationship is one that is balanced, where both partners can be themselves and just as importantly, feel good about themselves. Of all the different marriage problems signs, control issues are very common.

 

When it comes to major decisions in your relationship, who wears the pants? Perhaps it’s both of you, but if it’s predominantly one of you who controls most of what you do together and how you live you could be headed for troubled waters.  If one of you feels inferior in any shape or form, regardless of the other person’s good intentions it’s time to address the issue of control. Being in a relationship is about working together and being partners not controlling each other. At no point should one of you feel inferior to the other. It’s a recipe for marital disaster. If your relationship is struggling because of control related issues the first thing to be aware of is that the person who is controlling in the relationship, is more often than not doing it with good intentions; aka they really believe that they can help. Sometimes this is true, but not always.  Overt or covert control in a close relationship destroys intimacy and connection. If one of you is forced into pleasing the other and doing everything “their way”  resistance and resentment often builds. Where there is resistance there is distance! Nobody wants to be controlled, manipulated or made to feel like they are inferior, this is especially true in long-term committed relationships. As we all want to be seen, heard and loved by our partner, not bossed about. When it comes to marriage problems signs control is often being threatened or forced at some level.

 

Naturally, we all want life to go our way!  Therefore most of us can be a “little bit” TOO controlling at times. But if this has become your natural state of being, before long you could destroy the love, happiness and connection between you. No one wants to be married to a “nag” or feel restricted.

 

Below are 5 of the most common MARRIAGE PROBLEM SIGNS of controlling behaviour in a relationship. As we can only ever change ourselves in a relationship the questions are LOVINGLY directed at you as opposed to focusing on your partner.

 

MARRIAGE PROBLEM SIGNS – THE 5 SIGNS OF CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR –

 

  1. YOU DON’T TRUST YOUR PARTNER TO ‘DO THINGS RIGHT’: It’s time to make the school lunches for your kids and you always do it every night, only tonight you need them to do it. Do you trust your partner will do a good job? Can you let them do it and not interfere? Is there a chance you will check up on it or remake it, so it is one exactly the way you like it? Another example that comes up often in my 1-to-1 sessions is the way someone packs the dishwasher, prepares the meat, or washes the car. Has one or both of you become obsessed with the RIGHT Way and that right way is your way.

 

  1. YOU STOPPED ADMIRING AND ENCOURAGING YOUR PARTNER: We all need to be admired and supported by our partners. If you don’t have each other’s back, who will? Admiration is more important than love I truly believe.There will also be times in the course of your relationship when exciting opportunities knock at your front door and when this happens for them, do you give your partner your full support and encouragement? In a healthy relationship, both partners should encourage each other to be the best they can be, even if it means spending some time apart or having to give up something to make your other half happy? Are you genuinely supportive of your partner, the opportunities they get and the dreams they want to pursue?

 

  1. YOU KEEP TELLING YOUR PARTNER TO CHANGE: Have you become fixated on changing your partner by telling them how they can improve or what they need to do? If you are constantly trying to talk him/ her out of things or get him/ her to act or be a certain way – it’s a clear-cut sign that you are being controlling in the relationship. Even done with the best intention; trying to tell your partner what to do and how to live their life is manipulative and destructive to the relationship. Nobody has the right to tell us what we must do, wear, say, feel or not feel. We can motivate our partners to change through love, encouragement and following the right strategy – telling or yelling rarely works for lasting change.

 

  1. YOU QUIZ YOUR PARTNER INSTEAD OF OPEN & INVITE: Do you always ask your partner where he/she has been, what they’ve been up to throughout their full waking day, including who they’ve seen and what conversations they’ve had? Could it seem to verge on the obsessive side? Obviously taking an interest in their day and asking questions is perfectly normal but if it’s becoming too many and too often, it could be seen as a way you are trying to control your partner. Perceived control can do just as much damage to the relationship, so want to make sure we are avoiding it.

 

  1. YOU ACT OUT YOUR JEALOUSY: Everyone gets a bit jealous from time to time. It’s completely normal. Acting out jealousy in an aggressive or controlling way is not a way to get the reassurance you are underneath seeking. With jealousy, it’s important for the jealous and insecure partner to get support for this and learn the techniques to take control of their thoughts.  We can never fully 100 % trust anyone risk-free and so trying to control them by constantly checking their phone or where they are is pointless. All we can do is trust ourselves that I will be okay if I trust and take this risk.

 

If you are in a relationship where you are either being controlled or you are aware that you are controlling your partner then the first thing to do is be honest. Be honest with yourself and with your partner. If you are the person who is controlling your partner, ask yourself why you think you are doing this? Don’t be too judgmental or hard on yourself but make sure to give it some thought as awareness is the first key to changing your relationship for the better. Too often partners are controlling but they simply don’t mean to be. It’s not always intentional. Perhaps it was how they were brought up, perhaps it was just something they learned in a previous relationship. The beauty with this scenario is that it can simply be un-learned.  Many relationships can be transformed when the person who is controlling simply decides to let ‘it’ go. Start with trust. Trust your partner, believe the best in them and simply allow them to be who they are, after all, they are the person you chose to spend your life with. Only when you really trust them can you let go of control. Lastly, remember that we all make mistakes.  At the end of the day, it’s whether or not we are committed to learning from our mistakes and fixing them that really counts. I firmly believe that close relationships are there for us to learn and grow.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you are struggling in your relationship right now or things are going great but you would like to feel closer – download my free meditation forgive, be free & let go meditation here http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/forgive/

 

Or check out my podcast show on Itunes by searching “Nicola Beer” or clicking on this link https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-save-your-marriage-nicola-beer-i-relationship/id1159253732?mt=2

 

 

 

 

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How to Fix A Struggling Marriage – Step #1

Natalie had lost herself in her marriage. She was constantly running errands for her children, husband and checking in on both sets of parents, that she had neglected her own needs. By her own admission, she was far too busy and stressed to enjoy life.  David her husband was also stressed, travelling and working long hours to pay for all the growing household expenses.  Both felt unappreciated, drained of energy and frustrated at the lack of attention, love and care they were receiving.  They were angry at each other, resentment and distance was building. The only thing they thought would get them out of this difficult time and tension was if each other would change and make them happy! They had spent many months and years wishing time away and hoping for change by the time they had met me. This is a natural consequence of losing touch with our innermost desires, neglecting ourselves and expecting our partner to be our everything.

So welcome to How to Fix A Struggling Marriage – Step #1

In this article, I will outline the first step to having a close relationship and explain how to fix a struggling marriage

 

STEP #1 Part 1 How to Fix a Struggling Marriage

 

Accepting and Loving Yourself

 

Ironically the first step to having an intimate relationship starts with ourselves. For true intimacy, we need to be fully present in all our glory. To be fully present we need to be connected to all parts of ourselves, accept all parts of ourselves, even those we dislike or that make us feel uncomfortable, ashamed or vulnerable. When we deny parts of ourselves, we tend to attract them and notice them more in our partners. When we accept our imperfections it allows us to just be, be who we are and therefore we are able to connect more deeply.

 

We have all heard the statement

 

“you need to love yourself before you can truly love others

 

I used to think this line was a load of rubbish, to be honest. I didn’t believe it. I thought I don’t love myself much but I can easily love other people. Being hard on myself was how I got so far in life, I pushed myself with criticism and not accepting anything less than perfection and never gave myself a rest. From others, I took criticism and talked down or refused the praise I was getting.

 

 

It wasn’t until I finally did learn to love myself fully, I found I could love more people and open my heart wider and wider to all people. People that may have annoyed, angered or repulsed me before, I had love for. I see loving yourself more as a journey, it takes practice and you get better at it over time.  I began my journey of self-acceptance and love 6 years ago and I’m always improving.

 

First I started by not criticising myself. That was a big step for me, I used to wake up and moan at myself from the moment I woke up. I had done this for 15 years, so it had become a habit. I would call myself ugly, stupid, fat, some days. Other days I would criticise what I said, what I ate, what I drank, how much work I got done, how much money I saved,  it was exhausting! I was my biggest critic and own worst enemy. Consumed with so much self-hate, I was attracting in people who also had a lot of hate in them, either towards others or themselves. For sure this was blocking love in and by blocking love in, love was not pouring out. Love HAS to flow for intimacy to flow.

 

The great thing about accepting yourself is that you can also accept others attitudes, behaviours and actions more easily. Without getting bothered by them. There is a great saying in NLP “everybody is doing the best they can with the resources they have.”  Once I adopted that as a core belief forgiveness came easily, I forgave my mum for the heartache and abuse, I forgave my dad for leaving, I forgave my ex for not wanting to commit to me,  and most importantly I forgave myself for all the misery I had put myself through.

 

What do you need to love more about yourself, what do you need to accept about yourself and what in your life needs your care and attention?

 

 

STEP #1 – Part 2 How to Fix a Struggling Marriage

 

Putting it into ACTION through Self-Care

 

The next step is demonstrating your self-acceptance and love, by taking care of your feelings, needs, mind, body and spirit.

 

I used to think I don’t have time for a spiritual practice or exercise. It was always put on my list of when I have this setup, then I will take more time out for me or when I earn this much, I will be able to do that.

 

However, I learnt never to short-change yourself in business and relationships. You deserve to put money aside for you and pay yourself first, no matter how well your business is doing, and relaxation and fun time for yourself in life and close relationships is also crucial.

 

The key here is to be in touch with your own feelings and needs and then get into action and take care of those needs. Either by sharing your desires with your partner or by finding out ways to get your needs met. Your partner can never meet all of your needs.

 

If you are ignoring your own needs and feelings in the relationship and life more generally it will impact your happiness and this will impact the relationship and your closeness. If you have lost yourself and no longer know what makes you happy and fulfilled, then you won’t be able to bring your fullness into the relationship. When you neglect yourself, it is hard to find or experience any real joy in life.

 

The more you can focus on yourself, your happiness, your needs, dreams and wants, the better version of yourself you will become. Relationships flourish when both are being the best versions of themselves and are accepted fully for who they are. This is especially true when trying to fix a struggling marriage, in order to repair the connection and closeness, you need to feel positive. Positive with life, your partner overall and about the future.

 

STEP #1 – Part 3 How to Fix a Struggling Marriage  –

 

Inject more Positivity into Your Lives

 

If you are in a bad spot; you need HOPE! Hope can pull you through a and this hope will inspire you to take action.

 

A lack of positivity is often what destroys marriages most. Sadly I see this all the time. Negativity is the enemy. As negativity becomes a feeding ground for criticism and seeing only wrongs with your partner and in the relationship. The more you focus on what is bad, the more negative things you will attract and the more resentment will build. So this is why self-care is important for an intimate, close and happy relationship.  If you are taking care of your energy, happiness and health, you will be in a far better position to stir the relationship back into a positive one. Low self-esteem, depression, addictions and exhaustion, will keep a relationship operating on a low or aggressive way.

 

 

So what I really wanted to get across is that self-care, self-love, or whatever you want to call it, is not selfish, it is not something that should be ignored. Nearly all the husbands and wives I’ve worked with would rather see their spouse a bit less or accept fewer things being done around the house, or have a smaller home or garden for a more relaxed, kinder and happier environment.

 

Don’t delay, Start today 🙂

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you are struggling right now in your marriage and want to turn it around, I recommend you check out this video I created – 10 Essential Keys to Transform Your Marriage and Avoid Divorce – http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

It’s 40 minutes long where I walk you through exactly what is needed step by step to have a great marriage  http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

Sign up for it and watch it in your own time and place http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

 

5 Keys to Overcome Tension & Save Your Marriage

WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WAY

How to get past the problems you’re having and make it work

 

The key to strengthening and improving any relationship, especially those that are struggling is honesty. What are you really feeling inside? What do you really want and need? What do you want and need from your partner? What do they want and need? Once both partners can face the facts and be completely honest and truthful with themselves they are half-way there.

 

Save Your Marriage TIP 1: TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT?

You no doubt know this phase from the 1996 hit song Wannabe by the Spice Girl’s. Why is this phrase relevant? It’s simple. The key to getting what you want in life begins with really knowing what you want and just as importantly, what your partner wants. However, before you even begin to contemplate what your partner wants, ask yourself what is it that you really want.

 

If you could have anything in life right now, what would you want? When it comes to working on your relationship, is saving it what you really want? If it is then there are ways to make it work, so long as you are willing to put in any effort required and give without expecting something in return.

Be aware though that one or both of you may subconsciously not want to save it and you could end up sabotaging your efforts to make it work if that is the case. Sometimes what we think we want in life is not what we really want on a subconscious level. So, take the time to really reflect on this question and listen to your heart. Follow your intuition for it really does know what’s best for you. Napolean Hill talks about the importance of clarity in the first chapter of his book ‘Think and Grow Rich’ citing that in order to get what we want we must have purpose, persistence and a burning desire. Do you and your partner have a burning desire to strengthen and save your relationship? If you and your partner are both on the same page and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, then you will find a way. No one said it’s easy, but where there’s a will, on the conscious and subconscious levels, and unity between both partners, there is most definitely a way.

 

Save Your Marriage TIP 2: RELEASE TENSION AND REMAIN CALM

When someone tells you to ‘calm down’ more often than not those very words can send even a semi-agitated person into a highly agitated state. It’s as if those words alone do the exact opposite and generate an even stronger reaction. Yet remaining calm and being in a relaxed state is so important in life, more so when you are going through any type of stressful situation.  If you sense tension is building up in your body and you are becoming overly irritated, more so that usual, there are various tools and techniques you can use in the privacy of your home to dissipate tension and calm yourself down.

 

For somewhat works is to say or shout all the things that are bothering you about your partner whilst looking at a photo of them. Let it all out. Talk to the photo as if you were talking to him or her in person. Once you are finished you should instantly feel better. By the time you actually see them in person, you are more likely to have gained perspective and be able to talk through the issue without getting worked up. In the anger management sessions, I run venting your frustration by hitting a pillow can also be effective.

 

Breathing can easily change a state, by taking long slow deep breaths and mentally choosing to let it go. I always like to ask myself can I control their behaviour or the situation. Often the answer is no. So I then simply wish it away.

 

Journaling or emailing a friend can help. Every person I work with has unlimited email access to contact me anytime of day. Which they find helpful to release stress and tension.

 

 

Save Your Marriage TIP 3: REMEMBER THAT WHAT YOU REAP YOU SOW

It’s an old saying but this phase should be something you remind yourself of on a regular basis. What you give out, you will get back multiplied. If you constantly give out criticism and negative comments then rest assured these will be thrown right back at you. Before you fire off any negative comments, think about what it would be like to receive double the amount of negative comments. Is that something you want?

 

If you do have something negative that you really do have to say then think about how you can say it to lessen the impact on your partner and yourself. ‘I don’t like it when you ____ if you could do ____ it would make my life so much better.’ Always follow a complaint with a suggestion or possible solution and where possible always end with a compliment about something else they’ve done that did make you smile. Small changes can produce big results. Plus if you can remember to think before you speak and say more positive than negative comments, chances are you’ll have a more positive day.

 

Save Your Marriage TIP 4. DISSOLVING NEGATIVITY

If negative comments, snide remarks and unkind words are being directed at you then it is imperative that you find a way to protect yourself. Negativity is draining and damaging to you and your closeness. There are several ways to do this. First and foremost, be aware of when and where this is happening to you. For example if your partner always comes home after work angry and negative and your evening starts off with arguments, you can shift it by giving love and attention to them.

 

This may sound crazy or impossible however no one wants to be aggressive or negative they are hurting and if you are able to show compassion in this time. Wow! the difference this makes in a relationship and your happiness and closeness is key.

 

Second is to protect yourself have a break if you need to.

 

The third is to share your ideal unwind from work routine with your partner and vice versa and support each other to achieve this, so your evenings start well.

 

Save Your Marriage TIP 5: THINK BEFORE SPEAKING

Did you know that we are bombarded with around 70,000 thoughts per day? Sadly most of it is useless clutter. What we need to be aware of when thinking about our relationship is that we think before we speak our thoughts.  For some, that is easier said than done. However, as a rule, try to become aware of the thoughts you have and stop yourself before saying something negative that you may later regret. If you are constantly thinking about all the annoying things your partner does or the problems you are having, make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts as soon as they strike.

 

Make a list of all the things you love about your partner, why you are with them and the things they do that make you happy. When a negative thought comes, immediately remind yourself of what you’ve written. Read and re-read those lists. Change the direction of your negative thoughts to positive ones and you’ll have a shot at changing the outcome of your relationship. Being positive doesn’t always solve real problems but it is a step in the right direction. Once you are feeling calm and centred it is a lot easier to start to think about solutions to the problems you are facing. At the end of the day, ask yourself, were the thoughts I had three hours ago still a big issue now or have they faded into the background. How many irrelevant and damaging words are said in the heat of the moment when they could have been so easily avoided?

 

 

Strengthening and even saving a relationship is possible if we are willing to put in the effort to fix it, be honest with ourselves, really listen to the needs and wants of our partners and if we can take complete responsibility for the decisions we made, the actions we took and the things we say – for as we know, what we put out in the world, will come back to us multiplied. Be truthful but be kind and always try to come up with a solution to any given problem you are facing.

 

I hope this has been useful to you. From My heart to Yours, Nicola

 

P.S Giving support to those struggling with relationship problems, is something I have dedicated my life to.  If you are feeling unsure and want some guidance, sign up for my free Save My Marriage consultation. www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult

How to Restore Respect in a Relationship – Overcome Marriage Problems

Lack of respect is one of the key reasons many couples get divorced. It is one of the major marriage problem signs. It destroys love, connection and intimacy.

Many individuals and couples that join my online save my marriage program, share that respect has been missing or lost in their relationship. So I wanted to address what respect is in a loving relationship and how you can restore respect if it is missing.

Dr. Emerson  in “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” says that women most need to be shown love and men most need respect in a marriage for harmony. I agree with Dr Emerson’s notion, however, men also need love and women need respect, as does the relationship. As mentioned, it’s definitely one of the marriage problem signs.

 

What is Respect?

 

Respect is where you consistently:

1.consider and value the feelings and opinions of your partner

2. talk to and treat your lover in ways that you would want to be treated

3 compromise and negotiate with your partner respectfully.

 

Lack of Respect – Marriage Problem Signs

While this sounds very simple the stresses and strains of modern day life can easily lead for respect to go. We probably all at some point have been guilty of taking our stresses out on our partner. But if this has become a constant way you relate, then you need to take action quickly to restore it. As I mentioned a lack of respect can lead to divorce.

 

When rebuilding respect it is important to know that respect is not just the absence negative behavior, but also the presence of positive behaviors.

 

A couple that joined my online program recently were suffering from a lack of respect in their marriage. Keith felt his wife didn’t respect the hard work he was doing to provide for the family. He took his wife Sara’s complaining about the lack of time he spent with the family and her telling him to get a better-paid job, as a real insult. He said to me “respect went a long time ago Nicola, I am not sure how we can ever get it back.”

 

Sara felt her husband was not respecting everything she was doing, raising the three children, running the home, organising all the weekend activities, holidays and family gatherings. They both thought that each other had it easy. Sara said “I’d love to be able to escape to the office or go on a business trip and take a break. I get no break.”  She had shared this several times with Keith at home and he became furious saying his trips are not a holiday but hard work, long hours and lots of pressure. This lack of respect for each others’ roles led to a lack of respect in the way they communicated. They spoke down to each other using sarcasm or criticism rather than be kind at first. When they started the online program they were barely communicating. Slowly the relationship was shutting down.

 

 

In order to restore respect there are several things you can do to avoid this common marriage problem here are a few

 

Respect each other’s roles

The chances are you agreed on the roles you were going to have in the marriage and home. The biggest way to show respect is to support and appreciate each other’s efforts. Compliment and thank your partner. We all like to be praised for the efforts and gifts we bring to the relationship, even if it is our role. This restores respect because being noticed and valued is important.

 

Another way to show respect is to be there for each other if one of you is having a difficult or tough time. Where you listen without trying to fix the problem. You act respectfully when you show support for them during these stressful times. For example; you could offer her/him a “sleep in” on the weekend, a power nap or massage if they are tired. Or encourage them to take some time out for themselves and do something they love.

 

 

Respect each other’s viewpoints and feelings  

 Disagreements are normal and healthy in a marriage. Vicious personal attacks at your spouse’s character or personality are not! You can disagree without belittling or hurting someone. This is the difference between standing up for yourself and being defensive and attacking. Everyone has a right to their own feelings and viewpoint and all feelings are valid. It is disrespectful to say to someone “you shouldn’t feel that way”  “you’re too sensitive”   “stop crying” or your “over-reacting”. This doesn’t help you remain close. For respect to be present you need to validate each other’s feelings and point of view, even if you do not agree. Simply saying “I can see how you may feel that way.”

 

 

Respect each other’s opinions

 

This is critical for a supportive close relationship. The first step on respecting your partner’s opinion is to ask for it. Decisions that affect you will often affect each other. As Steven Covey said “The key to commitment is involvement” I heard that when I was 20 and have been using it ever since for all personal and business relationships, sharing my thoughts and asking for input from others. When you involve your partner you are demonstrating respect and honouring their value.

 

Reem was angry that her husband was always constantly asking her what to do all the time when it came to her children.

 “Nicola he drives me mad asking me what to feed the baby or where to put the nappies, he should know.”

What if he didn’t ask and did it wrong I said.

“He does get everything wrong all the time.

“So do you tell him that” I said?

“Oh yes but he never listens or learns”  

 

Reem’s constant criticism had led her husband to not want to take decisions for fear of being moaned at. Then Reem became annoyed that he was asking her opinion on everything. I suggested to Reem that if she want’s this to change she needs to empower her husband and let him decide what he thinks is best. So she agreed to try the sayings “whatever you think” or “it’s your call” and not to moan if she didn’t like the choice he made, as she, after all, encouraged him to take the lead.  This simple statement shift made a HUGE difference in their marriage. He felt respected and she felt less burdened.

 

Respect each other by making joint decisions

 

Make your decisions together and continue to dialogue until you reach a joint compromise or agreement to disagree and move forward.

 

What about if they do something that causes you to lose respect?

 

If there is a lost respect due to infidelity: financial, emotional, cyber or physical or due to an act of violence then respect MUST be rebuilt through consistent acts of kindness over a period of time.

 

Supporting and maintaining respect during the course of a relationship takes effort. We are all human, and if someone begins to treat us negatively, inconsiderately, and disrespectfully, we often tend to respond in kind.

 

This can set off a vicious cycle where the mutual disrespect can feed on itself. Similarly, an inability to resolve or manage conflicts or differences can lead to anger and frustration, which if expressed in negative and blaming ways can start the same cycle of negative interactions and result in the loss of respect.

 

To support couples re-establish respect I share that you can never really “work on the relationship” you can only ever work on yourself.”  It is disrespectful to police your partner, so I work individually with men and women to re-establish respect by treating their spouse differently and freeing themselves and the relationship of negativity. Most people believe in Karma but they tend to forget this within their close relationships. Start treating your spouse how you would like to be treated is the quickest way for respect to come back.

 

Hope you enjoyed reading this. From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

Relationship Transformation Specialist & Founder of the Save My Marriage Program

 

P.S If you are having marriage problems right now download my free e-book, “7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage?” http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

It’s packed full of tips to start transforming the way you communicate and interact.  Get it here http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

Financial Abuse: Is Your Husband / Wife Financially Controlling?

Financial Abuse – Relationship Advice for a Financially Controlling Husband / Wife:

Financial conflict causes a great deal of unhappiness and tension in relationships.  I received this email last week and they have given me permission to share it, here is the advice I gave Emily (name changed) I hope if you are facing financial control or other conflicts this helps you.

Hi Nicola

My husband is financially controlling. I literally have nothing but the bare minimum given to me as an allowance for our needs and the rest I never see. I thought at first it was great he wanted to take care of all the bills but now I see his behaviour as controlling. I am not one to spend much on myself anyway but I have to account for anything and everything and he doesn’t. Everything I have to disclose and when I want to do things,  I can see him internally calculating how much it will cost and so it has made me hardly want to bother to do anything anymore.

 He says I cannot manage the budget, yet he fails to realise there is no money to budget, it is always under what the children and I need.  He says he is doing this for us, our future and investments but I know nothing and I’ve read this is financial abuse!

I’ve listened to all your podcasts and thought about reaching out to you for your free marriage consultation but wanted to see if I could fix things on my own first. So I  decided 5 months ago that the best thing to do would be to get a job, so I get my own money hoping this would make things better. But it’s actually made things worse, he gets both of our paychecks and I see none of my hard earned money. I feel trapped, angry and I am starting to hate him. I no longer want him to touch me. When I ask him for more money, he gets angry or defensive saying I need to manage better. He’s impossible. What shall I  do?

Emily

My reply

Hi Emily

Sorry to hear of the stress you are going through, financial conflicts of some kind come up in my online sessions frequently. Clearly what is going on in your marriage is serious, as you no longer feel close or want to be intimate. I’m not a big believer that labels help but what you are describing was labelled by the BBC Personal Finance Reporter Brian Milligan as “Financial Abuse”

Milligan said that financial abuse “involves your partner spending your jointly-earned money, taking out loans in your name, making you pay the utility bills, or scrutinising every penny you spend….Worse, it can be the forerunner of even more serious emotional, or physical, abuse”

According to the charity Women’s Aid – Marilyn Howard and Amy Skipp who produced a report Trapped and Controlled say the most frequent signs to look out for are a partner who:

  • takes large independent financial decisions without you
  • controls your access to money, through credit cards or a bank account
  • takes your salary and controls what happens with it
  • refuses to contribute to household bills or children’s expenses
  • puts bills in your name, but does not contribute to them
  • takes out loans in your name – but does not help with repayments
  • takes money from you without asking

 

Another form of financial behaviour that affects a marriage I see all too often is a lack of transparency. Where a spouse is kept in the dark when it comes to earning, spending, investing or giving. This can impact closeness and intimacy in a marriage if things are hidden, so it is good for long-term happiness to share information.

 

So what can you do about it?

Whatever you do, do not follow marriage counsellors or well-meaning friends advice and accuse your husband of being financially abusive or a financial bully. That is one sure way to make them become defensive, get aggressive or shut down the conversation. Having helped saved hundreds of marriages now, many men who fit this “financial abuse” pattern, would be horrified to learn they are guilty of this and hurting their partner and relationship in such a way. To many men all they are doing is taking care of the family, so it needs to be handled carefully, to get a positive outcome.

First it is good to understand the two basic drives and thought cycles that men and women have. The masculine and feminine energy focus.  Men and the masculine energy (which some women can have more of) are constantly stuck in a loop asking themselves “am I successful enough?” “am I succeeding?” “am I failing?” “am I doing enough?”  These loops occupy their thoughts, mission and focus in life.

So more often than not, the financial control has little to do with their wife and everything to do with their drive to be successful and avoid the failure and shame that comes with it. They want to monitor everything for fear of not failing as their role as a provider.  So in response to their fear, they control.

The feminine energy thought cycle and drive is focused on being loved it women constantly ask themselves “am I loved?’ “am I loved enough?” “am I loved? am I loved enough?” They see spending and being given money as a sign of being loved and cared for. They see control as a sign of unlove and control which often ignites fear and makes women want to spend money and keep more of their own money. It creates the opposite effect that the man is seeking rather than being careful, they think the money may be withdrawn again, better spend it all in case it is limited again.

I see this becoming a vicious cycle in couples. Could this be true in your marriage?  These two drives highlighted by David Deida clash in marriages time and time again over finances and time spent at work or in social activities.

The way to address finances differs from marriage to marriage but here are some suggestions you may like to implement, that has worked for the women I’ve helped. Only you can decide what is safe for you to communicate to your partner regarding these moves towards more financial independence.

  1. Get to know more about your husband’s financial mission

Express an interest in knowing more and in supporting you husband to succeed in achieving his and the family goals. Ask him what his dreams, plans and savings are for. Explain your dreams and why having more financial freedom is important to you now. With or without a relationship specialist, set a date to discuss finances and create a compelling future vision incorporating both of your dreams, when it comes to spending.

  1. Be financially responsible

Make a plan to take back control of your money. It is fortunate that you work and have your own source of income. Open a separate bank account in your own name, and have your paychecks deposited there. Having a joint account for joint expenses can work really well for some couples. Do your own research into savings and share your ideas.

  1. Be aware of patterns to keep you “utterly dependent”

Other warning signs of financial abuse and financial bullying are when a husband or wife is using the money to socially isolate a spouse. Where the financial control stops you from going out and socialising, and by doing so making you financially dependent. It can also involve stopping a spouse from working, from having any access to funds making it possible for them to have any freedom at all. This is abuse in some respects because it can make the other person feel like they have nothing outside of the relationship and cannot see anyone else.

There is an important difference between being in a relationship where someone takes care of the active financial management and someone who keeps you financially dependent. It’s fine to not be hands on in the day-to-day operation and bill paying, but if you wanted to see and know anything about your finances at any point you could. If you are not allowed to know more or be more involved, this is not good for a relationship. Having restricted access makes you vulnerable, as you have a right to know and determine everything that concerns your money in your committed relationship.

  1. Get support if you need to

You deserve a partner who supports you, not one who controls you.

If your partner reacts to any of the above steps aggressively, refuses outright to discuss or if you are too scared to do so consider outside support from a trusted friend/family member or relationship specialist to assess what to do next.

You did the right thing to listen to your instincts and reach out for guidance. Look after yourself and don’t neglect your needs. It is rare that couples see eye to eye on finances, it often takes couples a few years to get comfortable sharing and managing finances together. So don’t be alarmed if it’s not working right now and needs adjusting. Outside circumstances like the economy, threat or loss of job can often trigger fear which in turn, turns into control. But with awareness and open communication can be resolved.

From my heart to yours Nicola

WARNING

If you are reading this and are concerned about yourself or someone close to you suffering a more severe financial abuse or other abuse seek support immediately.

To  book your free save my marriage consultation with me here how to discuss your relationship in confidence visit  www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult

Or to get more email support download my free e-book 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage here

www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

How To Restore Intimacy & Connection in a Struggling Relationship

Why do couples struggle to stay intimate?

This is a question that baffled me when I started working in this field. Many women would say to me “what do I do when the feelings in a marriage are gone?” or men I work with to save their marriage would share “when a marriage is over to one person can you get it back?” I wanted to know why when the feelings in a marriage are gone can they not be restored with focus and effort. The good news is they can, the problem is 3 main things stop couples from reconnecting which I will explain in this article.

Most people if asked: “Is intimacy in a relationship important to you?” Would answer yes absolutely yes.

Yet I found individuals and couples don’t even focus on it when they think the marriage is over!

 

Individuals need intimacy is it one of the basic human needs according to many psychologists and wellness experts. This is supported by Anthony Robbins who studied universal human needs and in the basic 4 needs was a need for love and connection. Dr Stonsy PhD claims that intimacy is also crucial to normal human functioning and can help ward off depression, aggression, and calm anxiety.

 

relationship needs intimacy, otherwise it will slowly wither and die. Sadly I see this time and time again when individuals or couples come to me with their marriage in crisis there is always a break down in intimacy. Divorce statistics support this, lack of intimacy and connection is often to blame.

 

What amazes me is if we all value intimacy in a relationship and recognise it as important for a lasting loving close relationship. Then why aren’t couples able to restore it in relationships once it has been broken or lost?

 

There are 3 main reasons I have found for why couples struggle to get back their intimate connection when a relationship breaks down. I will outline them and give you some tips.

 

  1. Men and Women View Intimacy Differently

 

One of key reasons why hetro-sexual couples find it hard to get intimacy back is because

men and women have differing views of what it means to be intimate.  Having helped countless couples save their marriage now, I often ask men and women separately what does being intimate mean to you? On average here are the answers (of course there are always exceptions).

 

For men intimacy is:

  • A physical connection
  • Foreplay
  • Holding hands, hugging and kissing
  • Physical time alone together
  • Sexual intimacy
  • Doing things together

 

For women intimacy is:

  • An emotional connection
  • Sharing important issues
  • Listening to things about their husband’s day
  • Being able to cry about emotional events and experiences together
  • Being emotionally aware when feelings are hurt
  • Knowing one another’s hopes and dreams

 

Men tend to associate intimacy as being physical,  touching and sex and for women it is more about talking intimately face to face. Helen Fisher PhD claims that this is a “behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words.  She found similar to me that Men, often regard intimacy as working or playing side by side”

 

2, Fear

Fear of intimacy play’s a huge factor in couples struggling to restore intimacy or even establish it in the first place.

Fear of getting hurt and being vulnerable can block emotional sharing and trust in a relationship.Fear of rejection can stop a relationship from being physically intimate again. Fear of failure or disappointment can prevent us from sharing our desires, dreams, hopes and expectations, so we settled for less.  Fear of abandonment can prevent someone from being truly engaged. Fear of being engulfed and losing yourself in a relationship is another common reason men and women avoid intimacy. According to Hal Shorey Ph.D. Psychology today fearing intimacy and avoiding closeness in relationships is the norm for about 17% of adults in Western cultures.

 

Whilst we have these fears most marriage counsellors don’t address these fears, they will suggest “talking about your problems over and over again” which often ignites more fear. Which is why I always avoid having a couple sit together and go over the past problems, to save relationships you need to be focusing on establishing the connection, focusing on the future. What works is practical guidance and support on how to move forward and be intimate despite fears.

 

  1. 7 Core Areas of Intimacy

 

Many of us stick with our own blinded view of intimacy and fail to recognise that for a lasting, fulfilling and close relationship we need more than one type of intimacy to be present.

 

Here are the 7 types of intimacy I have identified in the most successful marriages.

 

Self-Intimacy – In order to have a positive close relationship, we need to have a good relationship with our self; to know what makes us happy, what we desire in a relationship and to know ourselves deeply. This is key as it enables us to overcome any blockages or fears to intimacy. It starts with self-care

 

Emotional Intimacy – expressing from your heart your true desires and pains, learning to be vulnerable, this helps you to connect like never before

 

Conflict Intimacy – Being able to stay connected while exploring differences is key to a healthy relationship. It is all about RESPECT! Remaining respectful during any disagreements.

 

Affection Intimacy – showing you care by words, physical touch of a non sexual nature, thoughtful gifts

 

 

Sexual Intimacy – opening up intimately, feeling safe, desired and cherished

 

 

Dream Intimacy – couples who have shared dreams and support each other reach their own individual goals and dreams are able to maintain connection and remain closer

 

As you can see there are many different factors that contribute to a deep connection and intimate relationship and when I support couples to reconnect, it is important to look at all aspects.

 

Each month I am opening 2 slots for individuals or couples that want to increase their intimacy to book a free 45 minute ultimate connector consultation. Where I will give simple tips to increase your intimacy and connection, even if you are thinking the feelings in the marriage are gone or your husband or wife has said the marriage is over.

 

To book one of the free ultimate connector consultations email me with the subject title free ultimate connector consultation and if available I will share the link on how to book, if not I will put you on the list for the following month. nicola@savemymarriageprogram.com

 

I hope this has been useful and you have some ideas for how you can increase your connection.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you haven’t already read the 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage – click here to get your FREE Report http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

 

P.PS Contact me today to book your free 45-minute Ultimate Connector Consultation

nicola@savemymarriageprogram.com

Husband or Wife Not Affectionate – How to Deal with a Lack of Affection in Your Relationship!

Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage and Keep Your Relationship Happy

 

Affection can be one of the first things to go after children are born or when a marriage is in trouble. BUT it doesn’t have to mean something serious and it can be naturally restored as I will go on to explain.

Why after children? Hundreds of couples have shared with me that the affection they used to give to each other over time has been transferred to their children. Whilst this can easily happen couples without children can go through periods of lack of affection too.

Affection for many people is what makes a relationship a relationship.

If you are craving affection in your marriage right now and are longing to be hugged, kissed, or given affection through caring words or “I love you” message – you are not alone. Thousands if not millions of couples may find themselves longing to be desired and cherished and this is often because of bad advice that never works.

If you are upset about a lack of affection in your marriage you may be feeling lonely, ignored, unimportant and unloved. You may have started to see you husband or wife as distant, cold, self-centred or only interested in the children.

If this is happening in your relationship right now, read on as I will tell you what works and what doesn’t when it comes to saving a marriage from a lack of affection.

Marriage Counsellors or well-meaning friends may tell you to have a serious discussion with your spouse telling them that the lack of affection is bothering you.

This relationship advice presumes that your spouse did not know that you like affection or forgot all of a sudden!

Or that maybe they did not realise that they were not showing you affection and somehow didn’t notice it.

But telling your husband or wife to be more affectionate never works, perhaps you already know that from trying it in your own relationship.

If anything, it can drive your husband or wife further away.

Having had this issue come up hundreds of times in the couples I’ve supported over the years I know what works and what doesn’t.

So here are a few of my tips on saving a marriage from a lack of affection.

 

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP –  1 STOP BRINGING IT UP  

Talking about it (even if only occasionally will not get your husband or wife to change. Yet many relationship counselors may advise telling your spouse ” You are not being affectionate”

 It doesn’t matter whether you beg, demand, joke, it never, ever works long-term or feel good.  

Of course your husband or wife may do it when you have told them to, but if you have ever asked for affection and been given it on demand you know what I am talking about when I say -it feels horrible!

It used to make me feel more lonely when my boyfriend hugged or kissed me because I pressurised them too.  You want your spouse to be affectionate towards you because he or she wants to.

It reminds me of how I used to be around my Nan when I was young, she would always hold our face in her hands and demand kisses and cuddles, when we wanted to just say hi and run into her back garden and play.  It felt forced. Just like when your mum would want to kiss you goodbye in front of your friends before school.

If you are upset about a lack of affection, then really you are longing to be desired.

By ordering affection you may notice in your spouse a reluctance to be affectionate with you.

AND when you notice that it HURTS.

REALLY HURTS!

I used to ask myself the DREADFUL question “What’s wrong with me!?!” or “Why am I so needy?”

Begging for affection feels terrible!

Even if your man or woman comply!

So my advice is DONT DO IT!

It harms you and makes them run a mile.

Stop listening to the advice that tells you to complain and INSTEAD see his or her lack of affection as a sign that perhaps they are not feeling loved either.

EVEN if you are being affectionate toward them – affection may not be big on their list of the ways they feel loved.  There are 15 emotional needs I cover in my programs and affection is only one of them. Perhaps they need support in other areas, want love shown in a different way or are resisting control.

Instead of telling them what to do or getting upset about something you cannot control (their behaviour) practice making them happy and showing them love in different ways, for example through appreciation, respect, space, thoughtful gestures or gifts, these are a few of the 15 emotional needs.

 

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP –  2 AVOID THE LACK OF SEX AND AFFECTION TRAP 

The Secret of How to Keep Your Marriage Happy

Dan (name changed) shared with me in an online consultation that he is not having sex as much as he’d like to, barely at all in fact and he was feeling frustrated about it.  He complained that his wife is never in the mood and after being turned down, he no longer bothered to make the effort. “I stopped trying all together Nicola, it was hard taking the constant rejection”.

When I spoke to Lisa his wife, she said was fed up with lack of affection; “the only time he kisses or hugs me is when he wants sex. He will come up behind me when I am washing the dishes or watching my favourite TV show and expect me to be all loving after he has ignored me all day. By then anyway, I’m tired and fed up,  so there is no way I’m getting intimate.”

This example is so common it comes up almost weekly in my practice. One wants sex and isn’t getting it, so doesn’t feel like being affectionate, the other wants affection and withholds sex until they get it, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Neither is feeling satisfied or close. To break it, one or ideally both need to give first. When couples do that their relationship transforms.

 

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP –  3  FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL – YOU  & YOUR HAPPINESS

In a relationship we can never control how someone acts, as much as we would like to. Controlling behaviour leads to distance, resistance and shutdown.

Instead know that if you focus on being happy, easy going and fun, the flirting and affection will normally follow.

Often when men or women confess to me that they know they have not been affectionate towards their spouse it’s because they are stressed, dealing with a loss of some kind or concerned about the relationship or future. Rather than asking them to change, support them and aim to inspire them by being loving, happy and full of energy and light yourself.  By becoming more focused on your own happiness and self-care you will become more attractive and be giving them the space that perhaps they need.

Bottom line, fretting about a lack of affection won’t help you save a marriage or make your marriage more affectionate. So focus on what you can control you and watch the stress release from you both.

I hope something in this article is useful to you.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer – Relationship Transformation Specialist & Founder of The Save My Marriage Program

 

P.S Get the FREE Report 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage and Learn How to Increase Love, Connection and Happiness as well as How to Overcome Your Marriage Problems

 

Download your free copy here www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/

 

PP.S  Many people as me what is the Save My Marriage Program?  It’s a relationship strengthening program designed as an alternative to marriage counselling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counselling. The program works well for those who set out to transform their marriage on their own, as well as for couples. It covers how to increase love, respect and trust, improve communication and connection, as well as help you individually to let go of past hurt, resentment or negativity.

 

It is available as a 10-week online course with full support from me, 1 to 1 online or in person consulting and in 5-star marriage retreats. Designed to keep your marriage happy.

 

To see if the program could be a fit for you – Book your FREE – SAVE MY MARRIAGE CONSULTATION now www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult

 

How to STOP the Same Arguments Resurfacing and Become Closer

Are you exhausted of the same topics, issues or arguments resurfacing time and time again in your relationship?

Are you sick and tired of the emotional relationship rollercoaster you find yourself on?

If you have tried speaking to your spouse (or even tried marriage counselling) and nothing seems to be working?

 

If yes, you are not alone…

 

The problem is, the misinformation we are socialised to believe will fix our problems that never ever work.

Which of the below have your tried?

 

1. Making Reassurances or Excuses- saying “I’ll change” or “things will be different.”
2. Waiting for time to heal, hoping that things will get better on their own?
3. Talking about your problems again and again and going round and round in circles?

Well, it is our addiction to these strategies that never work that make things worse.

 

No husband or wife can accept the line I’ll change, even if they want to believe their husband or wife.

Many couples find things get even more tense, explosive or distant with time not better

Talking over the same issues again and again is exhausting, truly exhausting and doesn’t get you anywhere!

So what does work when it comes to saving relationships?

 

A strategy to reconnect and become close again is essential. My program of relationship recovery includes

  1. Actions to rebuild love, trust, respect and passion
  2. Tools to let go of past hurt, anger, resentment
  3. Steps to stop negativity and regret from you being close
  4. Creating a shared vision, goals and meaning for being together

Find out more about how to do these 4 steps and to know exactly what does work when it comes to falling back in love and reconnecting watch the

10 Essential Keys to Avoid Divorce and Transform Your Marriage – It’s a FREE Video I created so you know how to save a  marriage  http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

This is a video that shows you EXACTLY what is needed to strengthen any relationship not only for how to save a marriage. Watch it today and begin to shift your thinking, so that you can create a loving and happy union today.

STEP BY STEP I’ll Teach You EXACTLY how to ACHIEVE and IMPLEMENT changes that improve connection and communication

 

How can I be so certain this will work?

 

Because I’ve helped turn around hundreds of relationships over the space of 14 years, many of which were on the brink of divorce or had marriage counselling that failed to make things better. So I know what works and what doesn’t

Don’t take my word for it. Check out the success stories here http://savemymarriageprogram.com/success-stories/

 

Or better yet give yourself and your relationship the gift of watching this 40-minute video you can listen while your working if you don’t have time http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

How to Save a Marriage Specialist & Founder of the Save My Marriage Program

P.S If you are wondering what the save my marriage program is let me explain…

The Save My Marriage Program is a relationship strengthening program designed as an alternative to marriage counselling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counselling. The program works well for those who set out to transform their marriage on their own, as well as for couples. It covers how to increase love, respect and trust, improve communication and connection, as well as help you individually to let go of past hurt, resentment or negativity.

It is available as a 10-week online course with full support from me, 1 to 1 online or in person consulting and in 5-star marriage retreats. To see if the program could be a fit for you – Book your FREE – SAVE MY MARRIAGE CONSULTATION now www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult

 

PP.S Even if you don’t have time to watch the video now sign up so you have the link to watch it anytime. http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

 

#relationshipadvice #marriagecounseling #marriagecounselling #relationships #marriageproblems #coupletherapy #relationshipcounselling #relationshipcounseling #howto savea marriage #saveyour marriage #savemy marriage# #marriageadvice #couplestherapy #cheatinghusband cheatingwife #infidelity  #sexquestionsformarriedcouples #sexproblems #impotency #stopadivorce #howtogetdivorced #getadivorce

 

To find out more about Nicola or to contact her you can visit www.nicolabeer.com

 

 

8 Secrets For Women to Have a Thriving Business and Marriage

Being an entrepreneur or an executive creates challenges to maintaining a romantic relationship. I have recently hit my six-year mark as entrepreneur of a ‘relationship saving, and divorce support’ practice. A frequent issue I hear is how to maintain and achieve a successful relationship whilst running your own business or, being a senior executive in someone else’s.

As business women we are unique people.  We find it difficult to detach ourselves from the business tasks that we are faced with and are constantly thinking of what we can do next. Our businesses can become our babies and therefore are often intrinsically linked with our own happiness. Maintaining a connection with your partner can be extremely difficult but essential for your relationship and business life to thrive. Just as it takes action’s to save a marriage not talking over problems, the same is true when it comes to having a close, and fulfilling relationship. We must act. As February is the month of love, here are a few tips to keep that closeness.

  1. Set boundaries around your level of commitment

Be as open and honest with your partner about what your commitments are upfront to lessen the chance of disagreements or arguments.

  1. Involve your partner

Use the vision and mission statement on your partner in the same way you would to attract clients or endorse business investments. If possible ask your partner to do some of the work for you so they feel part of it. The more they do, the more invested they will be and let’s face it, every man likes to be asked their opinion. Use them as a sounding board for decisions you need to make.

  1. Maintain other interests

Of course, you will be excited and passionate about your ideas as this is what motivated you in the first instance. However, it’s really important to keep up with hobbies or interests as otherwise your sole conversation will revolve around your work, which is not always too interesting for your family. Join a group of executives where you can talk about business to your heart’s content.

  1. Share your calendar

Like many other entrepreneurs, I follow my calendar fairly religiously.  An early worry of mine was that I wouldn’t’ have enough people, or work to fill my diary, which is far from the case these days as its full months in advance. Again, be open and honest with your partner and share your calendar with them so that they know exactly where you are, and what you are doing. It just helps to build trust when your partner knows what your commitments are. However, don’t assume your partner is always checking your diary! It’s still really important to communicate and unforeseen or alterations in events.

5.Take breaks but be honest about how long you can check out for

Taking a break, having holidays and focusing solely on your partner is important. Nevertheless, don’t set unrealistic expectations. Don’t agree to something longer than you are comfortable with, as this sets you up for failure and, your significant other up for disappointment. Personally, I’ve found that even 2-3 days unplugged are more than enough to recharge and short but frequent breaks enables me to keep on top of everything.

6 Make your partner your main priority

I wish I had done this more.  However I probably wouldn’t be sharing this with you now if it wasn’t for my past mistakes, that led me to the path of relationship healing. Whilst you may feel that your main focus should be your business or career, if you’re with the right partner that supports you and your vision they won’t want you to do anything against what is best for the business and will support you when you need to focus. They will view your accomplishments as pivotal to them too. So it’s incredibly important to appreciate and make them your number one priority. Do this by booking in time for date nights, lie-ins and activities you can do together.

  1. Keep your relationship alive with the 4 A’s

In less than 15 minutes a day you can stay connected to your partner by following the 4 A’s

Appreciation – Everyone likes to be appreciated, give a compliment once a day and watch how closer you will become.

Attention – look them in the eye, ask them how their day was and really listen. Have times when you put your phones away.

Affection – kiss, cuddle and greet your man at least 3 times a day morning, after work, and before bed.

Admiration – We all love to be admired, especially men. Hold what you admire about them in your heart and mind. Show and tell them how much you admire their best qualities.

If you follow this, the law of attraction will be working with you to receive more of what you want in your relationship. If your home and love life is good, you will be able to focus on your business more effectively.

  1. Keep your sense of humor

Lastly, have a sense of humour about your work and the events you experience in your endeavour to be the best, and ultimately achieve success. When things go wrong, as inevitably they sometimes will, laugh about it. See the funny side and if you are worked up take some time off. Remaining good humoured can diminish stress which will keep you and your relationship happy.

Nicola Beer – Founder of the Save My Marriage Program and Pure Peace Coaching www.nicolabeer.com

P.S Have you watched the FREE Marriage Transforming Video Yet?

10 ESSENTIAL KEYS TO AVOID DIVORCE & TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE HERE – It’s TOTALLY FREE and couples have shared it has made a huge impact in their marriage. 

 

Copy this URL to watch now http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/

PP.S Struggling to know if your marriage can be saved? Get the Quiz Can My Marriage Be Saved here

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