How to Heal From An Affair – Surviving Infidelity  

Nothing is more painful and crushing than finding out the partner you promised to have and hold forever has cheated and lied to you. It can ton feel like your whole world has come crashing down like a ton of bricks. Feelings of anger, fear and hurt can flood your system. Along with the shattering news are shattered dreams, hopes, and expectations you had for your relationship and the future. It’s natural to feel lost, numb and change your mind or consistently questioning yourself about what you want next.

Very often the women and men I support to survive infidelity ask themselves these questions time and time again:

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • What has she/he got that I haven’t got?
  • How come I didn’t see the affair coming?
  • How could they lie to me?
  • Will I ever be able to trust men/ women again?
  • Is the marriage over?
  • Am I unattractive or rubbish in bed?
  • How could I be so stupid?

Let me start by saying if this is your situation, you are not stupid and there is nothing wrong with you. Husbands and wives cheat for various reasons, sometimes it’s because things are missing in the relationship but just as common it’s because of the pull and excitement of someone new. Then there is also sex addiction which is a behavioral issue. Sex addiction is a problem that needs therapy to fix.  None of this can be your fault. And let’s say even if they did cheat because things were not going smoothly in the relationship, it was still a choice. How on earth could you be responsible for them making that conscious decision to cheat?  You couldn’t. You weren’t there and aren’t them! So check out this surviving infidelity guide.

The healing process after an affair is not  always straight forward. Although the first 6 months are the typically the hardest. The women and men I’ve helped come out the other end happier and stronger have taken time for themselves to reflect and focus on their needs. This is needed to survive infidelity and save the marriage if that’s what the individual and couple want to do.  

 

So how can you help yourself heal after a cheating husband or cheating wife and survive infidelity?

 

Here are 6 steps to support you survive infidelity: 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 1  Give your Self-Esteem and Confidence a Boost

When I found out my partner had cheated I compared myself to every woman I saw. I felt my hair looked dull, my clothes were old, my teeth weren’t white enough and my stomach was bulging.  I’d look in the mirror with the sleepless nights and drink I consumed to “help” take in the news, I didn’t look my best. But the last thing I needed to hear was self-criticism. My own harsh self-judgment made the news even harder to deal with, so take it from me be kind to yourself, it helps!.

I managed to change things around and focused on ways to give myself a boost. I joined a running club, even though I hadn’t run since I was at school. The club was training for a half-marathon and they encouraged me that I could do it. Running was an instant mood and physical booster, I felt fit and powerful. There are so many clubs out there find something that will make you feel good, take on a new challenge. 

Some women I’ve supported online after their husband’s cheating treat themselves to some new clothes or shoes, visit a spa, get their teeth whitened or opt for a new hair style.

Men have found boxing, starting a new business venture or extreme sport helpful. Many get into fitness and find that more satisfying and supportive to surviving infidelity than drowning their sorrows. 

What will make you feel better about yourself quickly?

If you are really suffering from self-criticism, you may also want to invest in some hypnotherapy for releasing the past and boosting your confidence. I give hypnosis sessions regularly in my practice online via skype and they work wonders to calm anxiety and feel good again. As even if we know we are loveable and desirable, at night our mind can keep us awake with the pain.Find a hypnotherapist that will record it for you, so you can listen to it again and again. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy 2  Look after yourself physically

You may not feel like eating while surviving infidelity or you may feel like eating for comfort all the foods that clog your system. However right now what your body needs is quality nutrition and plenty of rest. I know it’s easier said than done, I turned to alcohol and it made me feel a whole lot worse. I’d wake up in the night tossing, turning and sweating and the morning was much harder. Naturally, also my mind became weak.   If you really can’t eat you are not alone, at least have protein shakes, soups, and smoothies to help you get through it. Go for long walks, cycle or do something active in the home like cleaning or washing your car to boost your mood. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 3 Quiet time

You may want to distract yourself by keeping busy, so you don’t have the chance to process and reflect. All this does is press pause on the healing process, to heal we need to allow ourselves time to feel the raw emotions.Meditation can be great, walks, baths, make sure you have some time to reflect and process. 

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy – 4 Avoid Life-Changing Decisions When In Emotional Trauma

Many women and men that approach me for marriage counseling support after the discovery of an affair want to know what action to take next: whether to stay or leave their home, whether to get divorced, whether to tell their children about the affair or what is going on.

Having worked with 100’s of people now survive infidelity one thing I know for sure is that it is important to not make any life altering decision in the first few months.  While you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity you are still dealing with the emotional pain, confusion and hurt. Even though you may feel like your situation is hopeless or that you have made up your mind, why rush?  Those that give themselves time to process feel more relaxed and at ease than those that panic their way forward.

When it comes to telling children, you have to question your reasons for wanting to tell them. Some want to tell the children to ensure they don’t get the blame for the marriage suffering, or to punish the cheating husband or wife to  make them pay for what they have done. This does not benefit the child. We learn about relationships and love from our parents, so children need protecting. Children often worry, feel guilty or forced to take sides when they learn of affairs.

Deciding to stay or leave a marriage is also best left until later. Many people who make a decision to leave straight away in the emotion of the moment, go on to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to a man or woman who is 2nd best. Where later both spouses realise that they still love each other more than they can love anyone else and with the right help could have worked it out if only they tried.  Wait and assess if you are unsure on what to do, this is important to survive infidelity.

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy 5 Don’t let others tell you what to do

It’s great to be around people who love you. But don’t let others tell you how to live your life. Everyone is different and well-meaning friends and family can often give conflicting and confusing advice. Don’t attempt surviving infidelity alone, but also don’t rely on other people to tell you what to do. If you are stuck, seek advice from an expert or ask a friend to listen without giving advice.

 

Surviving Infidelity Strategy  6  Marriage Counselling

Many women and men seek marriage counseling too late when they could have benefitted from talking it through and getting help to stop painful images and thoughts.  Even if you are undecided on what you want finding a marriage counsellor that has experience in helping individuals and couples survive infidelity. Deciding what to do after an affair is a life changing decision, so you will want to make sure you find a couples counsellor you can trust to support you.  The best way to find a good marriage counselor is through referrals or through reviewing their online presence, reading their articles, listening to their podcasts or video’s and seeing if you can relate to them. Just remember you don’t have to stay with a marriage counselor that you don’t like or that focuses on the past. Now more than ever go with what works for you.

As a final word of advice, the most important thing to do is be loving with yourself and give yourself time in surviving infidelity  If you found this useful and would like to get more support on surviving infidelity or saving a marriage… check out the link below with free audio episodes to help you available on Itunes or SoundCloud (just search my name Nicola Beer

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-save-your-marriage-nicola-beer-i-relationship/id1159253732?mt=2

From my heart to yours have a wonderful week ahead

Nicola Beer

www.nicolabeer.com

 

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First Impressions Matter in Dating. First INTERACTIONS Matter in Marriage! The Key To Happiness

 

We have all heard time and time again in the home, at school and in the work place that first impressions count. Whether that’s our mothers trying to get us to polish our shoes, wear something we don’t like or advice given for a job interview. Having helped saved thousands of marriages now, either through my online programs or in person in couple counselling in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, UAE. I have come to learn that First Interactions count massively and something I always discuss in my approach to marriage counselling. Let me share a story of a couple I recently helped, who sought marriage counseling to stop arguing. Names changed to protect confidentiality.

 

Ann had just returned from a long vacation away with her 2 children and was looking forward to the family being together again and starting the new school term. Eric had missed them deeply while they were away and he stayed in Dubai. He was excited to see them and even though they had talked about marriage counseling in the past, he thought they wouldn’t need it, as communication was positive when apart. BUT as they settled back into the school and work routine again they found the same stresses, tensions, and arguments; soon resurfaced.

 

Ann found Eric’s daily habits irritating. The way Eric just came home from work, switched on the TV and zoned out as soon as he got in. She felt unseen, unimportant and unappreciated.  “It’s like having another child in the house Nicola, no support, no communication and sulking as soon as I ask him to do something. He is a grumpy old man again. Everything is always up to me to do and I often wonder why am I bothering.”

 

Eric needed to unwind after a draining day at work, the last thing he wanted to listen to when he got in was a list of problems, stresses, and complaints. Yet this is what he felt like he got. He couldn’t understand why Ann always greeted him with a “face like thunder”,  why was she always so moody and aggressive,  when he was working so hard for the family?  He couldn’t believe that she had a problem with him watching TV either,  as she was always on facebook and Instagram. The evening interaction started badly and continued that way.  A bad start to their evening set the tone for more bickering, whether that was at the dinner table, the kid’s bath time or before bed.  They sought marriage counselling because they felt like they just couldn’t get along anymore. After an icy cold evening, they barely gave each other a nod good bye in the morning.

 

Like many couples I work with, they didn’t realise how key first interactions are. Get the first interaction right at the start of your evening together, you will set the tone for a close, connected, and engaging time. Evenings that start hostile continue that way and the same goes for the weekend.

 

Ann and Eric explained during the couple counselling session that their weekends were never very positive. This too was because they often started the weekend off on the wrong foot. Eric would come home have a few drinks and want to relax and do nothing the next day. Ann wanted to go out and do something different, to mix with friends and fill the weekend with family activities. They tried talking about their differences but because they only did this when they were already feeling disappointed, stressed, annoyed and frustrated their conversations didn’t resolve anything.   Only a few weeks into the new term and they were clashing on everything again, just like before and wondered if it was best they lived apart.

 

When we began the marriage counselling in Dubai I explained the importance of “first interactions ” and gave them this only to focus on. Ann said “I cannot believe what a difference it has made to our relationship Nicola, this simple exercise has turned the coldness into closeness.   I will share now with you the main points I covered in the marriage counseling:

 

Take Charge of Your First Interactions  

 

Morning – be loving, kind and connect first

Make sure you start the day positive. What couples choose is always different, it is important to pick what works for you. This could be acts of kindness in the morning like: making each other a cup of coffee or tea, working out together, kissing/hugging each other, avoiding being on your phones.

 

Coming in from work – be loving, kind and connect first

For this one, you ideally need to share the way you would love to be greeted when you enter the house or when your partner arrives home.

For example some people love to be left alone to shower, lie down, meditate or absorb in something brain numbing to unwind. Other people love a hug, conversation and want to interact with the family. Some people love to be greeted with a tidy house or dinner ready and need to eat straight away, some like to go for a walk or be in nature.  Some people just need a caring “how was your day?”

It’s important to discuss this ideal and work out a win win and compromise.  If you like opposite things, take it in turns to please each other and find a happy medium.

 

Before bed – be loving, kind and connect first

Our interactions before bed, can often set how we sleep and wake up feeling. Whether you go to sleep at the same time in the same bed or not, saying a good night and checking on how each other feel is something that really helps a deep connection develop.

 

Think about how your, mornings, evenings and weekends start. What needs changing? What would help you to move forward and get along better perhaps? Or if you are already getting on well, what would make life more enjoyable or easier for you?

 

Having worked with 1000’s of couples now all over the world to strengthen or save marriages this really works to avoid arguments or icy silences.

 

This is just one of the many ways I help couples to become closer through forward focused discussions. Another major way is through the empowered love formula. If you liked this then you will really like the free marriage masterclass I created it’s a video jam packed of life-changing relationship advice for women and men which you can watch here for free right now:  https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Have a great week ahead, from my heart to yours, Nicola

 

Nicola Beer

 

P.S All you need to do to register for more relationship advice for men and women is visit https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Sign in and you will be given special access to the video. Places are limited because I have a very special offer that the end which I can only give to a certain amount of people.

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Focus on Love and Resolve Your Marriage Problems Quickly

Love is a wonderful feeling. Self-love brings peace and acceptance, love for others and being loved brings feelings of gratitude and happiness.  So today I am going to cover the 3 easiest ways to bring more of it into your life and relationships. I have developed several tools that have been tried and tested by 1000’s of married couples all over the world to use love to fix marriage problems. Today I am sharing some basic tips

 

Before I go into them let’s go over what love is.

According to the dictionary:

 

“Love is a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure.”

 

The truth is Love is in all of us:

 

 We Are Love

As babies, we are born perfect. We don’t have to do anything to become perfect, we just are perfect. Babies are full of love and love everything about themselves, they love their body (even their own faeces). They are loving and confident, acting as if they know they are perfect. They express their emotions freely. You were like that. We all were. Then we started to listen to adults fears, limitations and beliefs and learnt to deny our own brilliance. We forgot about the love in us. As adults we may choose to live a life without love, a baby would never do that.   If there was no love at birth we would die, therefore it’s in all of us… Love is essential for the survival of the human race.

 

Love is more than just a feeling

Love is more than just a feeling. Love is an energy and action. Often a husband or wife will say to me that they are not sure if they are “in love” anymore. So I ask them what loving acts have you taken to show love or be loving? They nearly always reply that they are not doing much. This is either because they are no longer sure if they love their partner, where they are stuck in their head analysing everything. This is a disaster for deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship, by the way, analysing using your head. The mind cannot explain love or feel love. As love is a state of being and way of acting. You cannot feel love if you are not taking any action to create it. To fix marriage problems loving acts is key.

 

In order to feel more love we need to be love

The other main reason people don’t experience love in their relationship is because they have stopped giving love,  they stop giving as they wait and want to receive it first. Often I hear men and women say “I’ve been giving too much, it’s their turn”  or “when he/she changes, then I will be more loving.” This is limiting love and putting conditions on it, which holts the free following energy of love. Love needs to flow, it cannot be restricted or used as a tool to bargain with. That makes love a transaction.

 

The last reason many people complain about a “lack of love” in their relationship is because they feel they are giving everything to their partner. They give so much love at the sacrifice of their own love and needs. This creates an energy of lack of love and lack of love is how they will then feel. In order to give love at a high energy frequency, we need to be love. That means we need to be loving to ourselves first, then others: including those we love, strangers and our enemies.

That’s the real key to living a loved filled life and fixing marriage problems: Being Love!

 

Be the love you are by loving yourself and all beings!

I didn’t realise this, for years I kept focusing on what my partner was not giving me. I didn’t have any idea back then that this analysing his behaviour and thinking negatively about him and the relationship was making things much worse. The more I focused my attention on the lack of love, the less love I felt and therefore didn’t take as much action. The less love I gave out, the less love came back to me. Like a vicious cycle, where I felt more alone and unloved as time went by.

You see our energy and beliefs affect our behaviour and create our reality. If we feel happy and positive we will create happy and positive circumstances. If we feel love is lacking and the relationship is lacking love, we create a relationship that feels empty, lacking and unrewarding.

Simple right?

So how can you create more love and happiness into your life and relationship right now?

Here are 3 secret ways to create more love and solve marriage problems

 

  1. Stop any complaining.

 

Complaining creates more of the same, it makes you feel agitated, angry stressed which isn’t good to be carrying around.

“A man is what he thinks about all day long.” Emerson

If you are having relationship issues, don’t complain to anyone other than a professional in the field. As by complaining you suffer, you get to re-live the annoyance and it becomes your focus. So you will notice it more and create a sense of more things lacking.

Divorce start’s in the mind. Before it gets to this stage, you and your partner you can change your energy and thoughts to match love. When you switch to focus on the great qualities you each have, the whole vibration of the relationship will shift.

 

  1. Claim love.

Joesph Murphy “The Power of the Subconscious Mind”  studied the science behind how our minds operate found that the reasons affirmation statements  often don’t work for the majority of people is because they don’t believe them. Instead, he argues if you want to create more  wealth in your life to repeat the word wealth when you wake up and go to sleep. So I thought I would test this in my relationship and life and I realised by saying the word love several times when I woke up , before bed and throughout the day when I felt frustrated, stressed or disappointed I felt better. By simply stating a word you can awaken a new energy in you.  That is if you want to feel more love, start saying it more and you will create more positive feelings and experiences.

When you wake up put your right hand on your heart and state the word love 7 times, do the same before bed and throughout the day. It’s amazing just how powerful simply repeating this word can be in improving your mood. This didn’t work for just me, countless couples have now started using it with great success to transform the way they feel and act in their marriage.

 

 

  1. Be Love.

This is really the only thing you need to do to bring more love into your life.  It’s so key I have created a whole program with 23 audios and work books on how to embody love in your body, relationship and life more deeply.

If you are open to learn more about fixing your relationship with love and happiness, then join my relationship secret master-class using this link: https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

In the meantime to help yourself get into the loving energy and stay in the loving energy focus on:

1,Taking loving actions towards yourself. Self-Love according to David Richo is taking loving actions to make yourself happy, healthy and grow professionally, emotionally and spiritually.

2, When you feel off track or are about to react to something your loved one has or hasn’t done, stop and ask “what would love do?” or “how can I be more loving?” Either to yourself or your partner. Love is the quickest way to fix marriage problems.

3, Meditate on love. I have created several love awakening meditations and hypnotherapy audios. I find them very powerful combined with actions to love myself and others, you may want to try some that work for you. Countless men and women that join my empowered love formula program also get amazing results quickly from my love meditations. If you are not into meditation, then play the Whitney Houston “The Greatest Love of All.” It’s a beautiful song that talks about the self-love happening inside of her.

 

As always I hope there is something you can take from this.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you did like this article, then you will enjoy the marriage secrets master-class it’s a 75 minute video, totally free join and jam packed full of tips, join me this week – you can sign up here:  https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup – just be ready with a refreshing drink, note pad and maybe some popcorn and get some support to change the love in your life:

 

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Sick & Tired of Doing Everything in Your Relationship? STOP! This is the Secret to Happiness…

Does it feel like everything is up to you to make the relationship work?

Does everything seem one-sided right now?

Do you feel you are the only one taking care of the important stuff?

If yes that’s totally natural

Relationships are like a seesaw

The more one person does something, the less the other one will do.

The more one person wants or worries about something the less the other one will want it or worry about it.

The more one person takes care of something the less the other will be bothered.

You may have started the relationship sharing responsibilities and then all of a sudden one does all the finances or organising or cooking and the other watches. I see this all the time with the couples I work with all over the world no matter their cultural, religious or financial background.

Here are some common examples of what typically happens: 

The more one person cooks meals, the less the other even thinks about preparing food. The more one is responsible for the children’s homework or activities the less the other one will be involved. The more one person organises social, weekend and holiday activities the other will do less.  The more one expresses feelings and is emotional the more the other partner will express themselves less. The more a person controls and is responsible for the finances, the less the other one will get involved in finances.

The more one wants to save money the more the other will want to spend.

The same goes for sex, more a person wants sex the less the other will.

This is because we relax when we feel the other person is more concerned than we are about it or are taking care of it than we are.

So more than likely a key reason you feel like you are doing more in your marriage is because of this seesaw effect.

Right now you have the job and they don’t. We tend to counter-balance each other, this is just human nature and often happens without consciously thinking about it.

Have you ever had a conversation in your relationships where you started having very similar perspectives you have different shades of grey on a topic and then after a while one of you on a subject becomes black and the other white? What you used to be more aligned on has shifted, I see this often in parenting and with the way money is spent or saved.  This is because our opinions and positions on things in the relationship, shift like a seesaw.

When it comes to sexual desire both in the couple often start on an equal footing. Then one person becomes preoccupied, tired, stressed, busy or has a bodily ache of some kind. When this happens the other partner will then double up their efforts to make sure that their sex life is active. Then when they are met with rejection their sex life will become the center of their attention. The more the high desire person focuses on sex the less the low desire person wants it.

It’s just the same when I see men and women trying too hard to save a marriage, They ask me “when to stop trying to save my marriage, Nicola?” I say to them if it’s not working to stop what they are doing an try something new, stop trying to convince your wife or husband to stay and take action to become attractive and shift your internal energy.

What is really interesting is that the positions in relationships can often shift. This is how the seesaw effect works. Household tasks is another area I see couples get stressed over. If someone is really uptight about how the house looks, how neat, clean and tidy it is, the other one deliberately cares less, even if before they used to make more of an effort.  As I mentioned it’s similar to when I help men and women to save their marriage, I say to them to “stop trying to convince your husband or wife to stay. Stop trying so hard to save your marriage.” Then things often can counter balance.

Household tasks is another area I see couples get stressed over. If someone is really uptight about how the house looks, how neat, clean and tidy it is, the other one can often care less, even if before they used to make more of an effort.  So if you are the one putting all of the effort into one area of your life and it is driving you crazy.

STOP

Don’t take the lead anymore

You need to step back to give them a turn

When I suggest this most of the people I work with say

“Nicola, I can’t do that, what if it gets worse?”

Or “Nicola how can I give up trying the very thing I want most?”

Then I say to them lovingly: “the fact is what you are trying is not working. How long have you been trying this to get what you want?”

It may not be not easy and every individual or couple I work with is different, so just something to think about trying something different. Think about being just as relaxed as them about something or leaving it up to them, when you do a shift will happen.

Why is it important to do this? 

The truth is you can try this approach of taking a step back or not, that is not the real point here. The main thing to avoid is carrying resentment. When you carry resentment with you, you can feel drained, bitter, fed-up. It can affect physical, mental and emotional health. Resentment in a relationship kills passion, closeness, happiness and love. So it’s important to not feel angry that you are the one doing everything and getting annoyed by it. No one wants to live without love and happiness

I believe that anything is worth trying if it enables you to let go of resentment. Resentment feels horrible, looks horrible and only we can let it go.  I have another 5 ways to let go of resentment that if you want to learn more about you can visit my podcast show or you can join my relationship secret master-class to really know how to strengthen your relationship and sky-rocket your happiness. Here is the link  https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup and don’t worry if you cannot make the time and date, if you sign up I will be sending you a link to the replay and letting you know when the next one will be. As I really don’t want you to miss out on what I’m going to be sharing with you on how to have a more loving relationship and future.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S Here is the link https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup in case you want to share it and watch it together with your partner or a friend. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

PP.S I know how hard it can be to let go of resentment, even after small things that happen in my relationship, I decide in my head “my partner doesn’t care about me.” Thankfully I now catch myself – forgive and free myself.  If the past has a hold on your happiness, get in touch and we can look at ways to free you. Either that or do join the webinar.

PP.S If you are trying hard to save your marriage and your efforts aren’t working. Stop trying that approach: “stop trying to convince your husband or wife to stay. Stop trying so hard to save your marriage the way you are and focus on you.” Then things often can counter balance.

Porn Addiction, What To Do If It Is Affecting You and Your Relationship

This is a topic no-one talks or writes about yet it is really common and the number is rising. Why? Well for one is has become accessible to almost everyone. If you think about it nearly everyone has a mobile phone and most people have a lap top or tablet on top. Statistics show our addiction to check our phone and fill any time gaps by searching online is increasing. For these reasons sadly addiction to pornography is rising.

So in this article, I want to address

  1. What is porn addiction?
  2. What are the signs of porn addiction?
  3. How can porn addiction affect a relationship
  4. How can you stop porn addiction?
  5. How can you heal a relationship hurt by porn addiction and move beyond it.

Porn addiction affects more than just the user, the relationship and family life can also suffer. The use of pornography comes up frequently in my practice, which is why I feel called to share about it today. The most important thing to know about handling this in a relationship is that it’s never helpful to control or dictate how much a partner can and cannot use pornography. Any change has to come from the user. Try to police your partner to change any habit will drive you insane and harm the relationship. Below I will walk you through a process I take individuals and couples through in case it helps.

What is porn addiction?

It is a form of sexual addiction that is focused on pornography / sexualised images that causes a problem in the user’s life. How it can affect one’s life varies. It can damage romantic relationships, or interfere with work and finances, yet despite this, the person finds themselves unable to stop.

 What are the signs of porn addiction?

Like most addictions, it doesn’t happen over night where all of a sudden you are a porn addict. Similar to smoking, alcohol and drug addiction a person starts to abuse it, using it when they feel low, isolated, bored, stressed, unable to cope with life or a way to unwind and relax. When a behaviour is used time and time again as a way to feel good or escape reality, the brain starts to associate it with the way to get through life. The more a person abuses pornography to fill a gap or release tension etc the more dependent the person becomes on using it and the less they are able to cope without it.

Porn becomes an addiction when it interferes with a person’s quality of life. When despite the damaging effect is having on someone’s life they continue to do with as they find themselves unable to stop. There is no set amount of time or frequency.

Signs of porn addiction could be

  1. Time invested in watching porn at the expense of sleep, family time or work time
  2. Secretiveness, isolation and defensiveness on the topic or technology time
  3. Inability to stop despite making promises to themselves and or others
  4. Cravings to watch pornography
  5. Continuing despite feeling negative emotions associated with it like shame, guilt
  6. Increasing need to require higher amounts and more explicit materials to gain the same satisfaction or thrill. Where a tolerance has developed.
  7. Powerless to resist the urge
  8. Damaging effect on sexual relations in the relationship. For example impotence, erectile dysfunction etc
  9. Turning down social or work activities because of the wish to watch pornography instead
  10. Relationship problems causing tension or fall out

There may be many more signs and the key thing to note is that like all addictions they can be changed. All it takes is a willingness to break away from the old and adopt new ways of embracing life.

What does it do to a relationship?

One of the ways it most damages the relationship is in the bedroom. It’s not natural to see explicit sexual material repeatedly, it can lower interest in sex and affect arousal and the sexual/sensual dynamic between a couple. Also, it can cause impotence.

Another way I have seen it harm relationships is when promises to reduce the amount or quit have failed. The partner feels angry, betrayed, hurt, unattractive, cheated. Dishonesty for obvious reasons destroys love. Trust will need to be rebuilt if this is the case.

How can you heal a relationship and move beyond porn addiction?

For the person with the addictive behaviour

The first key is a willingness to acknowledge that you want to change it. You don’t need to or have to call yourself an addict, you just need to say yes to change. Yes to having a healthier happier relationship. Yes to freedom.

The second step is exploring on your own or ideally with a relationship or behavioural specialist what is driving the behaviour. Why are you using? Normally we are triggered by a feeling before we act, it could be loneliness, boredom, anger, stress or something entirely different.

Then look at what is it giving you. What benefit are you getting from it? How do you feel during and after? The reason some behaviours are hard to quit is that of what they give us.

The fourth step is finding a healthy replacement. Something to enjoy instead of the porn. This will be different for different people. This usually takes some brainstorming. Some of the people I have worked with have taken up physical exercise, become more affectionate with their partner, have treated themselves to long baths, couple massages or cooking worked for someone, they really got into making recipes from scratch. Another man I helped who travelled a lot took up painting to music. He was never without his paint brush and canvass on trips, it helped him to unwind without porn or alcohol.

The next is reward Charles Duhigg ‘the power of habit” states that the most effective and successful way to change a habit, is to give a reward. The reward doesn’t have to be anything expensive or time-consuming. It can literally be a chart where you tick off successfully free days.

How can you reward yourself?

Ideally have a coach or someone you are close to, to share your progress with and hold you accountable. Sometimes we need a little help to keep motivation, that’s why personal training and weight loss communities have become billion dollar industries.

After this, a real committed decision is needed. A plan to really commit to change with specific goals. Aligning yourself to the benefits when you stop will make it easier to quit. So

  1. Set yourself a goal
  2. Write down all that the habit is costing you right now
  3. The reasons why it’s important to you to change
  4. List down what will happen if you don’t change
  5. Write down the benefit of changing
  6. List how you will reward yourself with the saved time

This will keep you on track – store this on your phone and review it when you have a craving.

Lastly, I use hypnotherapy to help change any unwanted behaviour in relationships for the couples I work with. Whether that’s to reduce alcohol consumption, angry outbursts, insecurities, low libido, quit smoking it works. Considering our behaviour is driven most by our subconscious mind (95% according to behavioural expert Bruce Lipton) then it’s worth adding to the action plan in my opinion.

Hypnosis helped me to quit smoking, beat insomnia and get over my fear of public speaking, I find it always works if repeated for the men and women I support too. You can get some tailored hypnosis made to you and your habit which is generally more powerful than buying a ready made one. However, you can go to audible or Itunes and buy one too.

For the partner

Don’t take it personally. That’s the key message for you. Lots of self-love and self-care work’s wonders. You have no control over your partner’s behaviour, but you can control how much you decide to worry or think about it. Self-love is actions we take to make ourselves happy, healthy and grow mentally and spiritually.

For the relationship

Rebuild love, connection and trust by focusing on your future together and actions you can take for yourself and together to create more love. Love and compassion heals everything if it is not transactional. When love is a transaction = you do this for me and I will do that for you, it never works as you are limiting it and love cannot be limited. I speak about creating more closeness and love in my relationship secrets master class it’s free 90-minute discussion on relationships and for the next one you can sign up here: https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you would like more tips to improve your relationship then get my free e-book here https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

All Paths Lead To Love – No Matter Where You Are Right Now

There are two paths we can follow to get to love:

Love and  Non-love

They both take us in the end to LOVE

This may make perfect sense to you or you may be thinking what on earth am I writing about today.

Let me elaborate.

Throughout the course of my life (I am sure like most people) there have been times where I have been down, lonely and super stressed.  During these times it is hard to notice any good, everything looks bleak and hopeless. On these occasions, it feels like I am stuck – is the path of non-love. I either have a lack of love for myself, for life or people that I feel have upset me.

Then I hit a rock bottom point, where I make a radical shift in thinking and acting. This is sometimes a shift to give more love to myself, be kinder, gentler.

Or physical actions to change or improve something in my life that isn’t working: relationship, job, car, city, financial investment, friendships.

Or a change of heart and the way I view things, where I open to trust life rather than trying to control it.

So, in essence, the non-love times where I have hated life or hated myself – it’s brought me back to love.

I get to see the same amazing shift happen with men and women in my practice daily. Whether I work with both or just one in the couple it is always a journey from non-love to love. You see in every relationship struggling there is always non-love playing out.  This can be happening in the inner world of a person or couple: insecurities, fears, doubts or outer experience in the relationship: poor communication, tension, distance, resentment. Where love appears to be missing.

This non-love ALWAYS leads back to love.

The most amazing transformations I witness is when a couple reach that point where non-love becomes so apparent they instantly decide to act and reverse it. The turning point can be an explosive row, a threat of leaving,  an argument that goes too far, an affair or another “final straw” act of non-love where the couple “wake up” and no longer will tolerate the pain of non-love and the energy that goes with it and make a complete U turn.

The most amazing transformations happen AFTER a couple acknowledge they are completely out of line with love. Where the non-love becomes so apparent they instantly decide to act and reverse it. The turning point can be an explosive row, a threat of leaving,  an argument that goes too far, an affair or another “final straw” act of non-love where the couple “wake up” and no longer will tolerate the pain of non-love and the energy that goes with it and make a complete U turn.

Where they make the decision, enough is enough,  let’s get the relationship back on track. There are many false beliefs “so-called experts” and the media would like us to believe about “working on our relationships” that just isn’t true! That is: relationship transformations take a long time, that you need to talk through all the issues to move forward and that you have to do it together.

The truth is change can happen instantly when you drop the past and move to love. It doesn’t need to take a lot of time and your partner doesn’t even need to join you. All you need to do is awaken your love energy, be love, forgive and self-love, then the shift will where your whole experience of life will be different.  That’s what I help individuals to do:

Love themselves they want to be loved

Let all sides of their personality shine out

Feel love inside to manifest it on the outside.

When they do this, sure enough, soon enough they will create a reality that matches it.

All Paths Lead to Love

So the key point I wanted to make today was

We get to love even if we seem to be off-track

In fact, the seemingly “off-track” feeling is the fastest way to get to Love! Because nothing wakes us up to Truth faster than hurt and pain of a struggling relationship. Nothing pinpoints change than fearing it’s over or feeling disconnected and lonely.

So you are never off-track ever. Which I appreciate can be extremely difficult to believe at times.

Especially when you are in the thick of it.

Yet, it’s true

As I am sure you know

Just reflect back now to a time in the past where you were previously hurting, it could be a time in your teens, twenties or more recent; perhaps a breakup, embarrassing event, or a time where you felt low or in pain.  Perhaps where you were close to hitting rock bottom, fed up or living life on the edge?

What happened in the end?

The chances are you made a decision that changed everything!

A choice that led you back to love. Either self-love where you took action to protect and take care of yourself or action to create more love in your life elsewhere.

Every single experience we have leads us to love.

Either through Love:

  • By feeling connected to ourselves and others
  • By practising self-love
  • By the joy, excitement and happiness life offers us

Or through un-Love:

  • By the illusion, love is something we don’t have
  • By our fears and limiting beliefs
  • By our discontent, unhappiness and despair

 

These times of un-love guide us to make a SHIFT to realign and awaken the love energy inside.

A huge part of awakening our love energy is facing everything in our life that is not in alignment with love.

Which means we have to become aware of our thoughts, beliefs, resentments and get rid of them. This alignment back to love can be done quickly. In a day or weekend, in fact, you can release the un-love and reset your life to love.

All you need to do is bring the non-love energy to the surface, then release it and align to love.

Is there anything that is causing you discomfort right now?

Any fears?

Any anger or resentment?

Any negative repetitive thought patterns?

Identify and cleanse – it’s that simple.

 

We are constantly evolving to love even when it doesn’t feel like it at all.

The path always leads to love because

We are here to experience love to the fullest.

To be a vibration of love

That’s why we transition towards love always

 

So if you do have doubts, fears, false beliefs in your way of love.

Just know that you are not doing anything wrong.

It’s part of the journey and you can speed up the process.

It doesn’t have to take a long time. Trust that everything is exactly as it is meant to be right now and in this moment.

Our insecurities, false beliefs, worries and doubts have to come up so we can let them go.

This is part of love’s evolution.

We go to states of non-love that lead us to love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Rumi

 When you clear the barriers you will find the love that you have been seeking inside of you.

This was a deep message, it’s so true though and one of the wonderful things to remember about life and relationships: all paths lead to love. I talk about this more in my empowered love masterclass

“How To Reignite The Love In Your Marriage In 45 Minutes Without Wasting Countless Hours Talking Over The Same Old Issues Time and Time Again”

To sign up for the next one visit https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup and if you cannot make it, sign up anyway because I will be sending the replay.

 

From my heart to yours Nicola

P.S Feel free to share this message if you feel it may benefit someone you know going through a tough time or that you think might benefit from a little more love energy by joining my empowered love masterclass https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

How Avoiding Conflict Only Creates More Conflict! In Marriage & Relationships   

If you dislike conflict, and can’t bear the thought of having one, you’re not alone. So many people would much rather have a filling at the dentist than having a confrontation with someone. Whether it’s a romantic partner, colleague or family member for some people conflict is something they habitually avoid. I know I used to be one of them.

 

Reflecting back I think I adopted this avoidance pattern from childhood. My mother was always shouting and screaming the house down, I’m one of five children and we all avoided her, including my Dad. She was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. We lived in fear not knowing what might set her off, or what mood she was in, so conflict avoiding became the only way to survive my childhood and teenage years.

 

Unfortunately not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean the conflict isn’t there anymore. In close relationships conflict avoiding often makes the problem worse as resentment builds and avoiding conflict brings additional negative tension to the relationship. The repressed anger, stress and disappointment also hurts a lot more too, as there is no outlet. We carry the burden and pain inside us.

 

Plus the more we don’t communicate the problem or issue, the greater the chance it will be repeated.  Anyone close to you they will be able to sense you are upset and when you don’t say why you leave them to “guess” what is wrong and make it right. Expecting a partner to guess, is unfair and a disaster for a happy, close relationship.

 

Another negative thing about a conflict avoider in marriage is that sometimes the non-conflict avoider becomes one as a form of retaliation. Leaving tension and resentment to build on both sides.

 

If you have been in a relationship for several years and never argue or disagree, that may not be a good sign. Holding in grievances only to erupt later is not a way to successful remain connected.  Passive-aggressive behaviour many conflict avoiders have, does just as much damage to closeness as angry outbursts do.  Passive aggressive behaviour can be things like sarcasm, guilt, or distancing. When used in replacement of sharing feelings the couple cannot move forward, instead, they become stuck as nothing is being expressed.

 

Another thing I’ve noticed in helping countless couples become closer is that if there are one or two conflict avoiders in the marriage, drinking alcohol can become an issue. This is because the conflict avoider(s) finally lets their tension and frustration out when they drink.

 

Marriage Communication: Here are some signs you or your partner are avoiding conflict in your marriage or relationship

  • Putting off conversations: Thinking or saying “I’ll talk about it later” or “we can discuss this on the weekend” and it never happens.
  • Denying a problem is there: Refusing there is a problem and refusing help.
  • Joking and diversion: Using humour to deflect away from topics or sarcasm “oh no not another talk”
  • Using Children or Guests as an excuse: Of course, children need protecting but sometimes this is used as an excuse for months not to talk even when the children are sleeping. Saying it’s never a good time with no time given won’t help the relationship.
  • Working too much: this is a very common way to avoid having the time for meaningful discussion.
  • Walking away: Walking away is the easiest way to avoid the discomfort of confrontation.
  • Outright refusal to address topics: This is the hardest to overcome, if there is a refusal to discuss something that is important to one in the relationship, it’s going to cause long-term damage. How can you fix an issue you cannot speak about.

.

Conflict avoidance not only prevents you from getting what you want in life, it can bring more of what you don’t want. Conflict avoiders often fear one or a combination of these 3 things

 

Marriage Communication: Fears

  1. fear rejection, criticism and judgment from the other person
  2. fear the other persons over reaction, aggressiveness or extreme upset
  3. fear they themselves may overact and explode

 

The truth is when we live in fear we create a low-frequency energy which transmits attracts more negativity and reasons to be fearful. The more we focus on the fears above the more we will fear them.

 

Another truth is we can only control ourselves, not others. You can control what you say, how you say it, when you say it. That is in your power. You cannot predict the outcome nor control it.

 

I had to decide either I let what is bothering to go and really let it go not just pretend or I address it and face whatever reaction comes my way. When I started sharing my thoughts and feelings, to my surprise the relationship got far better. My boyfriend loves the openness, the depth and it’s definitely more bearable than my sulking! 🙂 I became more attractive as I was expressing all sides of me and I felt free from resentment and stress as the air was cleared regularly. Misunderstandings were cleared up instantly as well.

 

Marriage Communication Tips:

 

Here are a few tips to help you if you avoid conflict

 

  1. Explore your fears: What is the absolute worst that can happen if I share this? Can I deal with those consequences, even if they get mad or reject me? Is my fear of bringing this up rational or irrational?

 

  1. Always use “I” statements: “I’m feeling upset about ____________ and I’d like to talk through it.”

 

  1. Have an outcome: I am solution based marriage specialist. I don’t believe in purely going over problems, give a clear indication of what you would like instead or how you can move forward together.

 

  1. Remember we are ALL responsible for our own reactions – How your partner reacts is their choice You’re responsible for your own feelings and actions no one else’s.

 

  1. Be proud of yourself when you address a conflict – it’s mature and healthy to express yourself.

 

  1. Respect, Respect, Respect  This is the last piece of wisdom… respect yourself by speaking up when you need to, respect your partner by speaking respectfully and by listening in return.

 

Conflict is not easy to deal with, but it is far better for you and your relationship than carrying tension, stress and anger inside of you.

 

Hope this is in some way useful to you have a great week ahead

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you haven’t already signed up for my FREE relationship secret master-class – sign up today. It’s a free 90-minute talk on how to create the relationship you have always wanted with tips to increase the love, passion and closeness. Spaces are limited sign up now:  https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

Sign up even if you cannot make the appointment because I’ll send you the replay. I’m so excited as I have something so special to share with you. Can’t wait for you to join me – seats are limited to make sure I answer all your questions book now. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

PP.S If you are stuck wondering if your marriage can be saved – take my free quiz here

https://training.nicolabeer.com/official-marriage-assessment

Drop Neediness and Become More Attractive In Your Relationship

Overcome the top 5 signs of being too needy, give your partner space and increase your attractiveness!

Neediness will kill the passion and attraction in your relationship. We all want to be cherished and desired in our relationship that makes us feel good but being needed and pampering to a lover’s insecurities does not feel good.

I’m sure most of us here have acted needy at times in some relationships and I’m sure most of us know what it feels like to give everything in a relationship and it not be reciprocated. Many men and women hire me for support to win their wife or husbands interest back. They are literally obsessed focused on trying to get every single move right and pampering to their spouses’ needs and the first thing I tell them to do is STOP!

STOP Trying so hard!

Being needy only pushes your spouse further away. The same goes for showing how much you wouldn’t be able to cope without them. You may think you are showing them love by demonstrating how much they mean to you, which is important they know you care but neediness will repel them further away.  There are two ways I see men and women try to fight for a marriage; one of despair where fear takes over and a husband or wife is driven by neediness. The second is where a spouse acts with dignity, purpose and a positivity to get their marriage back on track or win back a husband or wife.

Here are some signs to see if you are being too needy and what to do about it if you are.

 

  1. You’re Too Available For Them

 

You may have a lot of things going on but you will drop anything to be with them. Where you may put your plans on hold or say no to friends in the hope that they may be available for you.

We want to be part of our partner’s world but we do not want to be the centre of their whole universe.

It’s important to focus on your own personal goals as well. I’ve worked with men and women where they have put their friends, hobbies and even work on the back burner in case their spouse may be free. We become far more attractive when we lead our life in a direction we want and invite them along for the journey.

 

  1. You Communicate Too Much

 

Sending thoughtful messages once a day or so is sweet and keeps the relationship alive. Texting “What are you up to?” every 10 minutes or needing to chat whenever you’re bored is not a good idea. Neither is getting annoyed or upset if they are not chatting back quickly enough.

You need to make sure that your communication remains a dialogue, not a monologue, otherwise, they will find it a chore to interact with you rather than a pleasure. If they associate communicating with you as negative this won’t help reviving passion and desire.

Am I making sense?  Hope so.

Essentially your husband or wife needs to know that you’re not afraid to be without him or her. If they feel suffocated, they’ll want their space back.

The moment it seems like they “have to spend time with you” to keep you happy, they will feel obligated. Create a bit of distance and give your husband or wife the opportunity to miss you.

Fill your days with activities you enjoy doing. Not only will they value your time together, you’ll also have more things to talk about and become more interesting and attractive.

These tips are especially helpful for men and women looking to win back their husband or wife

  1. You Need Constant Reassurance

 

There is so much banded about the importance of self-love these days but very little guidance on what it means and how to show it to yourself. David Richo in How to Be An Adult In Relationships sums it up beautifully when he describes self-love as actions you take for yourself that either make you happy,  healthy or grow you personally or spiritually. Throughout your life ensure that you are always looking after your happiness, health and development and you will attract wholeness, keep attractiveness and your need for reassurance will lessen.

If you are constantly seeking validation from your partner, not only will you always be disappointed, you run the risk of pushing them away. If you are looking for constant acceptance outside of yourself – STOP –

Most of us grow up with a fear of “not being good enough” this is something we need to work on and let go of ourselves. If we don’t believe we are good enough, no amount of someone telling us so will help.

 

  1. You Do Whatever They Want

 

Whenever my boyfriend used to ask me what I wanted to do on the weekend  I used to reply “Anything you want babe.”

I was too passive and didn’t want to make decisions that he may not enjoy. I was afraid if I made the wrong choice they would say no and we wouldn’t spend any time together.

In my experience helping thousands of couples now, the strongest relationships are where both the husband and wife make decisions on what to do on the weekends and holidays. Where both share their opinion and make decisions. When you assert yourself you demonstrate self-confidence and confidence is attractive.

 

  1. You Have Lost Yourself Outside Of The Relationship

 

Often when couples get married or have children they stop seeing their friends and hobbies. This causes immense pressure on the relationship because if we stop taking action to make ourselves happy we try to fill that void by demanding more attention from our partners. This leads to disappointment because we can not rely on our lover to fulfil all our need. The biggest reasons for divorce are unmet expectations. If you expect each other to be your only source of happiness it is going to cause a lot of resentment and tension to the marriage. If you have lost your way, find it again… start engaging in activities that bring you, Joy.

Know the difference between giving and bending over backwards.

Summary

One of the key essential ingredients to a passionate marriage is admiration. It’s important for husbands and wives to admire each other. If your attitude about yourself and towards yourself is that you and your life don’t count as much as them it’s likely that they could adopt that attitude about you too. When a spouse loses respect, they automatically lose the desire for closeness. In essence, you want to give the impression that you choose to be with him or her, not that you need to. So they perceive you as an equal partner and keep the admiration alive. I have seen men and women win back their husband and wife when they stop the above and start self-love.

Every day, when you wake up, focus all your energy towards becoming the ideal version of yourself. Share that gift with the person you have decided to be with.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you haven’t already signed up for my marriage secret master-class –  do so here where I give you 90 Minutes Training on how to create the relationship you dreamed of on your wedding day.  Visit https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

Sign up even if you cannot make the appointment because I’ll send you the replay. I’m so excited as I have something so special to share with you. Can’t wait for you to join me – seats are limited book now. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

How To Support a Partner Struggling with Symptoms of Depression – Relationship Advice

When one spouse is depressed, a marriage is depressed. As depression often erodes emotional and sexual intimacy. It also floods the relationship with negativity that can cause resentment, anger and isolation.

 

Even the happiest, strongest spouse may get pulled into the depressions strong undertow. You may become overwhelmed with the extra responsibilities and tasks you need to take on, you may be resentful because your spouse won’t just “snap out of it” or you may feel like you are to blame and feel like you are failing your spouse or the marriage in some way. You may also feel lonely, and wonder if the relationship will ever get back the spark it once had.

 

All of these feelings are valid and natural. I’m well known for my work helping hundreds of couples to save their marriage and depression comes up frequently. Helping couples navigate the symptoms of depression is something I am personally passionate about. As I would not be doing what I do now if it was not for my mum’s depression. From as young as I can remember my mum has been in and out of depression. She was very aggressive with it, when I was young: always shouting and often hurting us. Over time she has turned more inward where she attacks herself or has paranoia and anxiety with it. Every few years or so she now seems to have a relapse and it’s heart-breaking to witness. Listening to her criticize herself, be negative about everything daily or struggle to get out of bed. It’s sometimes so hard to hear inside I sometimes want to shout at her to get on with life, but then I remind myself that like millions of other suffers of depression she can’t help it. Depression is not a choice it’s a physical illness and  is as life-altering as arthritis and diabetes.

 

If there is depression in your marriage, it’s time to take action. For yourself and your partner. Waiting for things to get better on their own is not a good strategy for your relationship. Sadly depressed couples are nine times more likely to divorce. So as well as getting medical help there are some positive steps you can take to help minimize the negativity and any fall out, to strengthen your relationship as well as look after yourself, so you can move forward.

 

  1. Don’t Take the Symptoms of Depression Personally

 

One of the key symptoms of depression is a skewed sense of reality, seeing only the negative and feeling that everything is worse that it is. In relationships this can often lead to a lack of enthusiasm for joint activities, sex, even conversation. If your partner has lost interest in the essential aspects of the relationship it can hurt and it’s hard not to take it personally. Yet it’s also very likely that the reason they’re not interested in those things has absolutely nothing to do with you.

The problem is that the symptoms of depression are the exact opposite of what is needed for a happy healthy marriage.  In my online programs I help couples to create  space for more affection, intimacy, laughter, fun and engaging conversation. We look at breaking away from routines that don’t support them, you cannot have a great relationship if when you get in from work you absorb yourself in netflicks or social media for hours, then sleep for hours barely talking or interacting. I usually take this as a warning sign that couples need to work on their marriage. Yet if this is happening because your spouse is depressed their lack of interest in interacting is not necessarily about you. If they had  back pain they may not want to go out on as many dates, be active or have as much sex and you can see why. With depression the problem is hidden and it’s hard not to take it personally or wonder if you are doing something to make them depressed.

 

  1. Create a Plan to Tackle the symptoms of depression together

There is no doubt that a husband or wife’s depression can tear a marriage apart but with the right strategy it can also bring a couple closer together. Creating a plan to tackle the symptoms of depression together is going to help you, them and the relationship. Helping them to get treatment if they are willing is a massive first step. Then you also need to take action on the relationship. . Ideally you will work together on this, however if they are unwilling – don’t feel that you cannot do anything. I have helped thousands of individuals single-handedly turn their marriage around now through my online programs and several of them were with partners who were showing the symptoms of depression.

A supportive, loving and connected relationship will really benefit your partner. When working on the relationship, the key is empathetic, open dialogue focused on solutions not the past. When a husband or wife come to me concerned as their partner is showing the symptoms of depression I invite them both to

  1. Think of things they can plan in the future, so they both have several things to look forward to.
  2. Suggest any changes to their routines and habits, they think could support the relationship better and reduce arguments or shutdown
  3. Follow steps I lay out to help reduce negativity and resentment, which increases closeness
  4. See depression as the problem not each other. When you jointly regard “the depression” as causing a problem with your spouse’s health, your marriage and home life, it allows you both to talk about it without blame or shame. You can literally say  “that’s the depression talking” or “they don’t normally think this way.”
  5. Talk openly. If you don’t talk about the depression it becomes the elephant in the room and can often breakdown a couples communication.

It’s important never to force treatment or make ultimatums. If they are reluctant that doesn’t mean you cannot do anything to help yourself or the relationship. One person can greatly influence a marriage, I get to see this all the time.

 

  1. Recognise Bad Days Will Pass

My mother’s symptoms of depression seem to come and go in waves. There may be a few good days, where she seems motivated and positive and then this can be  followed by a bad day.  On these days I just need to remind myself that she didn’t decide to wake up feeling hopeless, de-motivated and down. That her bad days like my bad days when I’m tired or ill will pass. On these days I see it as a test to show how much love I can show her and remind her what she means to me.

My mother has said to me “Nicola, I know you say you love me but I don’t feel any love, I don’t feel anything.”  It hurts to hear this, but I cannot imagine how painful it must be for her to feel this. The problem with depression is that it is difficult to feel any positive emotion. Happy things or exciting things, don’t make you happy or excited  However when I accept her for all of her feelings she seems to get better quicker, as I’m not adding to her already confusing emotions by being angry or upset. This took me years of practice and I still have times when I find it hard especially when she says negative things about me and my life.

 

  1. Take Good Care of Yourself

This includes creating a good support network, nurturing yourself and having an outlet for stress. Your partners emotional well-being is not your responsibility to fix. Depression in a relationship can lead to a lack of interest in sex, conversation and activities. These are definitely issues that need to be addressed, however it is also crucial to understand that having depression and being unhappy with your relationship are two different problems. If your partner tells you that the reason they are unhappy is not to do with you, accept it and focus on working through the issues and finding a way forward. Self love is taking action to keep healthy, happy and grow personally.

 

The good news is, it’s not hopeless. A depressed partner can cause stress in a relationship. So can a death in the family, money troubles, or an affair. Just like any other problem, you can get marriage support and revitalize your relationship together. This can be the best gift you give your partner and yourself.

I just want to say a huge thank you, if you are reading this and helping someone you love manage his or her mental illness.  Often this role can be thankless, where a loved one my curse blame or condemn you. Yet your love, care and support can go a long way, so don’t give up. Most of the time, your loved one can and will get well again. For those who lost the battle and lost a loved one to suicide there aren’t any words I can say to make the pain any less, however please remember: what s/he did was not out of lack of love for you. People die by cancer. They also die by mental illness. The more we can break the silence and shame around it, the better we can understand and master the disease.

If you are suffering right now in your marriage because one of you are showing the symptoms of depression and you want to explore what relationship support may look like, contact me for your free new beginning consultation nicola@purepeacecoaching.com and I will send you a link to book a slot in my calendar.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you haven’t already signed up for my marriage secret master-class –  do so here where I give you 90 Minutes Training on how to create the relationship you dreamed of on your wedding day.  Visit https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

Sign up even if you cannot make the appointment because I’ll send you the replay. I’m so excited as I have something so special to share with you. Can’t wait for you to join me – seats are limited book now. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

How to Stop Disagreements From Escalating in Your Marriage – Relationship Advice

Listening is not enough. When couples begin my private online 1-to1 or group coaching packages, one of the first things they say to me is they have a problem with their communication. I often hear the following:

“We can’t communicate”

“They don’t listen”

“Everything ends up in a row.”

“We sometimes don’t talk for days/ weeks or months”

“I cannot remember the last time we had a good conversation.”

If this is your situation right now, and your relationship is distant and lonely like mine was, where my partner preferred to watch TV than spending time or making love to me – this article is for you.. It can be painful to have to walk on egg shells in your own home, minding what you say in case it results in an explosive argument or the silent treatment.

Rest assured in this article I am not going to tell you that you need to listen to each other. Although that is crucial because you probably learnt that at school when you were taught to “take it in turns” and not interrupt when working or playing with others.

The point I want to make today is that listening is not enough. Yes, you read correctly if all you are doing when you discuss issues is listen, the chances are it won’t help you resolve the issue.

This was true for Michael and Sue, who went to marriage counselling for 11 months and it failed to have any positive impact. They spent thousands and thousands of dollars, travelled way over an hour to get there and back and felt worse and more hopeless after. They were having clashes over intimacy and alcohol. Michael felt they had a sex problem in their marriage and Sue felt they had an alcohol problem/addiction affecting the relationship. In both instances whether it is a sex problem or alcohol problem, one has more control than the other and rather than working around this, they were guided through marriage counselling for many months to talk this issue through and really listen.

Appointment after appointment went buy where Michael would say we have a sex problem as his wife refused to be intimate and Sue would share how disappointed she was that her husband drank every night and got very drunk on the weekend. In her view drinking alone and being unable to engage in family activities the next day was “wasting life away” in Michael’s view he was purely relaxing after a stressful day at the office. This continued for months, they really listened and got nowhere. Michael said to me, Nicola we do now understand each other’s position better, but we both feel worse after a session – because we have listened an nothing has changed.

Studies show that 75% of people end up separated after marriage counselling! Alarming isn’t it. That is because listening is only a small part of how to resolve marriage problems or save a marriage.

  1. Listening

There are another 2 steps after listening to put marriage problems to rest these are

  1. Validating
  2. Compassion

 

  1. Validating

In addition to listening we need our partner to show us that they understand us. That they don’t think we are crazy and they have listened enough to understand the logic behind it. When a husband or wife share with each other that they have a valid point of view, often this can be enough for the couple to be able to move forward. Either address the issue, compromise and find a solution.

To do this in your relationship, all you need to do is say something like

” You make sense”

“I can see how you think that way”

“I see your logic”

“You have a valid point”

When you do this you are also showing respect. The more respect shown in communication the less destruction. When you say these statements it does not mean you are agreeing but that you can see how they might be able to view it in that way. One of the worst habits many of us have is defending our own point of view as either superior or the only one that counts. When we validate we move from challenging confrontation to open dialogue and couples find they can then relax more as they discuss.

Don’t take my word for it. Try it. You will be amazed what a difference it makes to stop arguments from escalating.

 3. Compassion

Compassion is the next step. Trying to imagine how your partner is feeling. Compassion takes the conversation deeper as you focus on trying to understand the feelings behind their thoughts.

This is where you say

“Given that, I can imagine that you might be feeling. . .”  Imagine is a great word, because we never know how someone else is feeling. Another obvious way is to say something like

“I am sorry you feel that way…”

If you are having trouble communicating in your marriage you need to do more than listen. But in truth, if you are not feeling connected focusing on communication alone won’t do much either. Connection is key and should always come before communication in close relationships. You cannot connect by talking alone, it always takes action.

Michael and Sue after months of talking joined my online save your marriage program and took action to become closer. They started spending their evenings together talking, walking, cooking and dining out, they gave each other attention, affection and appreciation. They found that Michaels desire to drink lessened and Sue’s desire to be intimate increased. This change happened in only a few weeks after years of fighting. They didn’t need to talk about problems.

Helping couples to connect and become closer is something that I focus on in all of my relationship transformation programs. We start by taking action to create more love , whilst simultaneously clearing any negativity, resentment and past hurt. Communication techniques comes after this as you need love, trust and closeness for communication to be effective. If you want to learn more about how to create more love, join my marriage secret master class where I give you a full 90 minutes on how to have a loving, close and happy relationship – even if you are the only one trying. To book your place visit https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

From my heart to yours Nicola

Relationship and Connection Specialist

Nicola Beer – www.nicolabeer.com

 

P.S I always send a replay of the Marriage Secret Master Class, so if the time doesn’t work for you, but you want to get the marriage secrets – sign up anyway and you will get automatically sent a replay link to watch when you can do so in peace. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

Can’t wait for you to join me and take your happiness to the next level

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