Married To A Compulsive Liar – Compulsive Lying Disorder

 

Having helped enhance 1000’s and 1000’s of marriages now through my podcast shows on Itunes, as well as online programs, podcast shows and email articles one thing is clear. Transparency and trust are crucial for not only a healthy and happy marriage, for a passionate one also.

If you are married to a compulsive liar and feeling confused, frustrated and exhausted – then you are not alone. One of the major questions on the minds of husbands and wives married to a compulsive liar is trying to understand WHY they are lying.

Knowing WHY and the reason behind the lying is everything. As without knowing the reason WHY it is difficult to address the problem, save the marriage and stop divorce.

As a world-renowned marriage transformation expert, I have helped countless couples where a husband or wife is a compulsive liar and I have come up with 8 reasons why. Understand the reason and with the compulsive liar, you can address the issue.

 

Why Does a Compulsive Liar Lie?

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #1. Low self-esteem

 

This is sadly not feeling good enough can make many husbands and wives compulsively lie. Compulsive Lies may be about appearance, wealth, career, family and marital status. The lies will vary, most common are lies around falsified achievements and successes. Either directly where they will lie about what they have succeeded in or what their children, husband/wife etc have achieved.  They often fear rejection and don’t feel they are worthy of love and recognition for being themselves. A compulsive liar will exaggerate the truth or makeup things to feel better about themselves. This is common across all cultures, the need to “keep up appearances”

One wife I worked with would tell her husband and friends how when she went out to bars and restaurants, men fell over her. How she had to fight them away, how they told her she should be a model. Her stories would include celebrities and super successful millionaire businessmen. In compulsively lying she wanted to portray that she was desired, important and worthy of love. Masking that in actual fact she felt the opposite about herself, she felt she was ugly, old, too wrinkly and boring. This void and an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough drove her to lie and stopped the very thing she was seeking more of: love.

Self-esteem lying to get external approval is a very apparent in most compulsive liars.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #2 Attention seeking

This is where the person craves the attention of others to be directed at them. They want attention and will go to any lengths of lying to get it. If you hang around a compulsive liar long enough and you will notice that the lies will always paint the liar in a favourable way. It doesn’t mean the lies are always about having good fortune though, they can paint the picture of being a victim. This can be a made-up illness or being a victim of crime, or creating another drama where people focus in on them and their life.

They need the attention of others to feel important and to combat feeling inadequate,  invisible or ignored. Lying for attention increases when the person lying feels jealous of others attention.

Deepa and Umar were a couple who reached out to me for marriage counselling therapy. When I got to know Deepa she would want to talk for hours on end about how her husband’s family treated her so badly. She consistently sharing how she was being the model daughter-in-law and how mean they were to her. Whilst there was some truth about their negative attitude towards her, most of the stories had been fabricated or made up. She was attached to these stories, she used them to justify her behaviour in the marriage. She shared such stories with friends, family and co-workers and Umar was wondering if marriage counselling could work or that he had married a compulsive liar for good. Needless to say it caused a great deal of tension between them. Underneath all she wanted was attention and we looked at healthy ways to feel loved and desired without the pathological lying.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #3 Power and control

Another deep motivator for compulsive liars is the urge to control and have power over a relationship, person or situation. This is where women or men lie to manipulate their  husband or wife into getting what they want. For example I have had a case where a lady lied to her husband about being stalked and harassed by another man. She did this because she didn’t want her husband to leave for a holiday with his friends.  Her stories were created to guilt him to change his plans. As she wanted him with her because she was jealous and anxious about 1, him being with other women and 2, her being on her own.

Another way I have seen the power and control lying play out in marriage are lies around women and men (with or without children finding employment.)  I have helped marriages where a husband or wife has lied about their ability to find work or start work. I’ve supported couples to repair their marriage after lies about job applications have been made. As well as where lies about the children’s or parent’s health have been made to avoid returning or starting work again.

Sometimes this is about power and control and other times this is about self-esteem, where women or men anticipate and fear rejection from employers, so they avoid trying. This fear and hopeless of finding employment needs to be overcome if it is causing an issue in the marriage.

Then there is  “gas lighting” is a tactic in which a person in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality by telling them that things they thought happened didn’t happen. Where they make up a completely different story of events and elude to the person they are losing their memory and mind. Anyone is susceptible to gas-lighting it can be a common technique of compulsive liars. If done slowly, the victim may not realize how much they’ve been brainwashed.

I’ve seen the topic of gaslighting come up most when it comes to nights where both in the couple have been drinking. The couple will argue that completely different incidents happened and accuse the other of losing their mind. Of course different perceptions are common when drinking alcohol, however when it becomes frequent gas-lighting can be an abusive form of manipulation.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #4  Approval and avoiding shame

 

Disguising failure or perceived failure is the number one reason many men will lie. Although women can and do lie to avoid the shame attached to failure also. This often includes diverting blame onto others. You can spot this easily when you hear things like “it only happened because…”,  “they drove me to it”, “my drink kept being topped up…”,  “he/she started it …” “I am only reacting to your…”

The person wants to avoid responsibility so they blame other people or things. This can be a severe problem in all relationships. As it makes it almost impossible to rebuild trust, for trust to grow, acceptance of responsibility for actions and consequences is critical.

Avoiding shame links in to the self-esteem section, the need for approval is linked with not feeling good enough with people knowing the truth.

In the marriage therapy online I helped Nicky and Rob who met and fell in love in New York. When they met Rob lied about his wealth, car, properties and job. Nicky found out later that he was unemployed and spent his days in arcades and pubs. He was too ashamed to say he was struggling to find work and that he was living with his parents.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #5  Childhood Trauma 

Childhood trauma can be at the heart of compulsive lying in later years. If at a young age, a child had to lie to avoid a beating,  being humiliated or disapproved of, they would have learnt automatically that lying is the way to stay safe and survive.  This is when deception gets associated as having a positive advantage to telling the truth. When reinforced throughout a period of months, years or decades it is easy to see how childhood lying can develop into habitual lying as an adult.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #6 Parental modelling

 

Parental modelling can be a determinant in pathological lying. Claire was compulsively lying to her husband and they were heading for divorce because of it before I met them.

When Claire and I examined the roots of her lying, it became apparent it was from watching her mother lie to her father. Her father worked away often and she heard her mother frequently lying about drinking alcohol, about how much money she was spending and what things cost. Her mother would also consistently lie about her social life, more specifically how often she left the house at night. Her mother seemed to revel in the lies and would wink and smile at Claire when she did made them. Claire also got rewarded for “keeping mummy’s secrets”  Claire thought habitual lying was normal between a married couple. Her mother used to say to her frequently  “us girls need to get away with as much we can, while we can  Claire, we only live once.” Claire unknowingly lived by this, it was a deep core belief, that needed to be broken.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #7 Avoid intimacy

As a relationship expert, I have successfully helped countless men and women break their fears of intimacy.  Some fear their husband/ wife knowing everything about them and feel power in hiding their true feelings hidden.

For Tim hiding his feelings, whereabouts and thoughts were essential for him to stay in a relationship. If someone got too close, that would be it, he would need to end the relationship. In fact most of his life he was more comfortable with short flings and casual arrangements. He tried a few times to make relationships work but always got cold feet. He wanted a family life and relationship in many ways, but on the other hand, it did scare him. Tim is not alone in this, many men and women are “love avoidant”. This is where men and women crave attention and affection and will make efforts to date and meet people, but as soon as they get close to something serious, they run a mile. Nearly always this is because of previous relationship or childhood pain. Typically where a significant loss has occurred, shame humiliation or breach of trust and love.

 

Compulsive Lying Disorder Reason #8 Addiction

The most common habitual lying I see in my work as a marriage counselor and coach is lies being told to cover up an addiction or obsession. The lying usually starts as the odd lie here and there and as things progress it can become significantly compulsive. Where a husband or wife lie not only to their significant others but to everyone and it just comes out. They will automatically for example lie about what they have consumed or done. I’ve supported 100’s of individuals to break-free from the grips of alcoholism, porn addiction, sex addiction, food and internet addiction and lying is prevalent in all cases.

Lying becomes a defensive mechanism to hide from the truth that the addiction has a hold on them. Addicts easily turn into compulsive liars as denial is a way to protect themselves from the shame, guilt and powerlessness attached to the addiction. Before long the lying can become, so habitual it is done without any thought.

 

Summary

The hardest part about being married to a compulsive liar,  is their unwillingness to admit they have been lying and share the truth. Pathological liars struggle to do this, even if all the evidence is stacked against them. Yet is the very thing the other spouse wants and needs to move forward and save the relationship. It’s these two opposites that cause couples to clash time and time again. On the one hand the need for closure and admission and on the other the desire to gloss over and pretend nothing has happened.

Only once you know the reason can you address the cause. Stay tuned for more on this topic, be sure to download my free e-book 7 secrets to saving your marriage to make sure that you get more supportive articles like this.

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S

If you are struggling with this and would like to share what is on your mind. I invite you to have a free Relationship Rescue Consultation with me click here to book or copy the URL

https://training.nicolabeer.com/exclusive-coaching

You can also reach out to me by emailing nicola@purepeacecoaching.com

Holiday Blues? You are not alone…

Holiday Blues? You are not alone..!

Christmas & New Year Holiday is meant to be a happy time, yet in reality its the time that most people struggle.  If you are feeling low you are not alone. The National Institute of Health, US states that Christmas is the time of year that people experience a high incidence of depression. Expectations, hopes and dreams for the perfect holiday can often be shattered. I sincerely hope this is not the case for you, but if it is then I have something I want to share with you. You see Christmas was the time of year where I used to get most down, feeling lonely and disappointed at myself or life, this was both when single and in a relationship. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen and as we off-load what is on our mind and find our own way forward. As I am not in the UK to work for the Samaritans this year  I am opening my calendar for 4 days of free appointments on skype or zoom, 26th, 27th, 28th and 1st January. All you need is an internet connection.  If this calls to you, click on the link to book and lets chat. https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S Nothing is too small or too big to share and of course everything is in complete confidence.  I have been given so much support throughout turbulent times in my life and this is my way of somehow giving back.  So take advantage of having someone listen without judgment. Here is the link to book here

https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

Key Words

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HOLIDAY GIFT – Create A New Beginning

 

With Christmas & New Year ahead of us with all the rejoicing it is the time to let go of all old unnecessary strings to find peace, serenity and start the new year fresh and make it a great success. It can bring up a lot of pain and stress this time of year.  So I have a very special gift…

 

If you or someone close to you have any turbulences in life that you wish to clear, or possibly like to talk it through, I am opening 4 days of free appointments.

 

26th, 27th, 28th and 1st January from a place of gratitude for all the people who supported me when life was hard. Now is your time if you want to talk to someone about what is on your mind just simply get in touch.  To speak with me you can either

 

  1. Copy this link to book a slot on those 3 days.

https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

 

Or

 

  1. Add me on Skype Nicola.beer5  and message to see if I am free

 

Or

 

3 Email me at nicola@purepeacecoaching.com on the day to see if there is space in person in Dubai Marina or on Skype when you need it.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S Fear and loneliness led me to develop many unhelpful obsessions and addictions. What I noticed is that when we share our thoughts the power they have over us can fade. You are in a safe environment no judgment whatsoever, you have access to a confidential place to share what is on your mind. If this resonates with you, l look forward to speaking with you.

 

PP.S If you think this could be of interest to someone you care about – feel free to share and forward.

 

Do You Have Each Other’s Back? 6 Tips To Make Your Marriage More Loving…  

Do you and your partner have each other’s back or are you operating more in a mode of attack?

We wouldn’t be human if we did not experience times in our lives that challenged us. It’s natural that certain events,  people and our own behaviour will trigger fear, anger, stress, jealousy, overwhelm, guilt from time to time. This is a normal part of being alive. We may not be able to control the circumstances but we can control how we deal with situations and choose our response.

Even though our happiness is ultimately up to us, what can make difficult times easier is feeling supported by our loved ones. Having each other’s back fosters martial closeness and connection and without it sometimes it can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. If the world seems to be against you and you feel your partner is on your side, it can make all the difference.

There are several ways you and your partner can have each other’s back. Look at the below ways and first see if you have their back, rather than assess them. If you are not giving something change it and see the magic unfold in your relationship. Or you may want to share this and work on it together to increase your happiness and passion.

6 Ways to Have Each Other’s Back

 

Marriage Advice Tip 1. Support each other’s roles

You probably decided at some point in your relationship who was going to be taking care of different things in the relationship and everyday life. From finances, career, family, social actives, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Supporting each other to fulfil the agreed roles and covering each other when one has too much going on, is a great way to have each other’s back in marriage.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 2. Support through sickness

What actually prompted me to write about this topic was an awful bout of food poisoning, I say awful because I have never experienced anything quite like it before. I was so weak, I couldn’t even stand up, I slept solidly for 55 hours and found it difficult to stand. It reminded me of so many couples I support who share how great they feel when their partner is loving when they are sick or how upset they get when their partner trivialises their sickness or shows no empathy.

What about you? Do you nurture your husband/wife when they are unwell? Do you cover for them? Do you listen to them if they are feeling down, anxious, emotional? Nothing is nicer than the gift of a love and kindness when your suffering. Sometimes even at my age when I feel like reaching out to my mum when I am sick because she always greets me with heartfelt sympathy it’s comforting.

We remember these things. Whether you support each other through ill-health can make or break a relationship., I see it most commonly with a depressed mood following major life changes, such as unemployment, a new baby, death of a loved one, etc When the husband or wife is unsympathetic, uncaring or avoids the issue, it can crush the relationship and break trust. If this is your situation, get in touch with me straight away on how to fix it.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 3 Reading and accepting all emotional states

Being responsive to our partner’s emotional state is key to living in harmony.  Stress and tiredness are something we all suffer from time to time, it is part of living in today’s face-paced, digital era. If your partner overreacts because they are stressed and irritable do you support them by letting it go or not making a big deal of it? Or do you bicker back?

What about times you or your partner are feeling insecure, jealous or threatened. Do you support them by addressing their fears with loving reassurance? Do you give them the attention and appreciation they are craving?

Another way you can help your partner and the relationship is by noticing a change in mood and checking to see if you may have unintentionally triggered something in them… For example, asking things like “Are you okay?” “Did I upset you in some way?”

 

Marriage Advice Tip 4 Speak only kind words  

I often hear couples say:

“We’re only together for the children.”

“I don’t know why we’re even married, some days”

“I’m not sure  I’m in love with you anymore”

“You’re crazy, controlling, grumpy, lazy, an idiot, too emotional, too sensitive, a head case, a jerk…”  

“You don’t really care about me”

“We made a mistake getting married / pregnant so quickly” 

“Our relationship ended a long time ago.”

When such statements are made it will not only damage how you see and treat your partner, it will also create hostility, fear and separation in the relationship. If either one of you is insecure, hurt or confused, it is not going to create that loving deep connectedness we all seek.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 5. Give praise

Supporting each other is giving praise, appreciation and admiration. A Harvard business report found that the best performing team in a study had a praise to criticism ratio of 5.6 in employee feedback. That is nearly 6 positive comments for every negative. Imagine what that would do for your relationship if you praised them 6 times for every complaint? It would be amazing I am sure, try it and see. Keep tabs on yourself.

When we frequently let our partner’s know that we love them when we show them in our behaviour that we respect and admire them, when we speak highly of them to others we are having their back. The opposite is making fun of, criticizing and complaining about one another.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 6. Shared and supported dreams

We all have dreams and expectations for the way we want our lives to play out. Whilst we rarely get all that we want, sharing and supporting each other to achieve our dreams no matter how small or big can be a loving way to connect and have each other’s back.

 

You may be reading this and thinking we do all of this already if that is the case great. If not, my wish for you is that this serves as a gentle reminder to listen and love more openly. Life can sometimes get in the way of who we truly are and I don’t want that for you and your marriage.

 

Have a great week ahead, from my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you want to strengthen or fix your relationship, then download my 7 secrets to fixing your relationship. It’s designed to give you 7 clear tips on what to do to break free from the past and start a whole new way forward.

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Can You Save A Marriage After Separation? Or is it the End?  

The most common questions I get asked are:  How can you save a marriage after separation?

Or how can I get my husband or wife to reconsider a  separation?  Or My husband/ wife is insisting on a separation, what can I do?

These are important questions as it is a critical time if you want to save your marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you are currently physically separated or just thinking about having a separation there are certain things you must do to help the relationship.

Regardless of the underlying problems, separation is typically an emotionally intense time for both partners. Anxiety, feelings of overwhelm, frustration, regret and loneliness are to be expected. However, a separation in marriage can also serve as a valuable wake up call, giving both of you time to recreate a new beginning for you and any children. For some married men and women, separation has come after months or even years of tension and turmoil in the relationship. For others, it can seem more like a hit and run, where the shock of the news that your husband or wife wants to separate can literally knock you to the floor. Whether you saw the signs or not is not of importance right now. Beating yourself up, pondering over where you went wrong again and again is only going to drive you further apart and most likely insane! Now is the time for action and I’ve written this to help you.

As, how you act in the hours, days and weeks after a separation has been asked for or happened will determine your fate as a couple. I know what works having helped 1000’s of marriages now and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes, so many unintentionally make. If this is describing your situation, I suggest you read this article straight away and follow the principles below. You also may want to check out my free marriage secret masterclass https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration  which has helped 1000’s of people now transform their relationship in record time: you can watch it by clicking here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

Whatever you do – don’t let another day go by without getting the right knowledge and support.

Strategies to save a marriage after separation

Step #1 to save a marriage after separation- Avoid blaming

It can be so easy to blame your husband or wife for their action or inaction in the relationship. In fact the more you turn your focus on what went wrong and who is to blame, the more negative your picture of the relationship will become. Negativity breeds negativity. If you are focusing on saving your marriage after separation, then you will want to deal with any anger or resentment in a healthy way. Helping individuals and couples to rid themselves of resentment is something I have become somewhat of an expert in. It’s important to rid yourself of anger, as you don’t need to say anything to know your partner is angry with you, you can feel it.

Take responsibility for your own actions and attitudes, look within – this is the fastest way to save a marriage after separation.

 

Step #2 to save a marriage after separation-Set clear expectations

 

One of the reasons marriages tend to go through a crisis or even end in divorce is because of misaligned expectations. Where a husband or wife thought their spouse would behave differently to how they are. Get really clear on what your partner is expecting from you during the separation or if you are discussing it, how they see it working make sure this covers

– Frequency of communication

– Type of communication

– Financial matters

– Child or domestic care

– Social activities and events

– Who will know and what you will say to others

Also where the relationship will be, for example, will you still date, be intimate, not engage?

 

Step #3 to save a marriage after separation-Address the root issues

 

The threat of separation or an actual separation can be a valuable opportunity to assess your relationship for what is working and what has not been working. I have everyone who joins the empowered love program email me a list of complaints that their partner has made about them over the years. We then analyze them for common themes and fears. If you want to save the marriage after separation and stop divorce the real issues need to be addressed.  As the problem, I noticed in my own relationships and in those I help is that we bicker about a lot of surface stuff and the real pain or hurt is not expressed or healed.

 

Perhaps you are reading this thinking the cause seems obvious, it’s an affair, addiction, anger issue. However, behind these three which I deal with most often their are probably several underlying root causes linked to negative previous experiences and emotions that have not been addressed. I have suffered from many addictions, and curing the addiction was only the beginning, underneath it lay low self-esteem, a lack of self-love, loneliness and a huge amount of fear.  Support in this area can be vital and ideally not solely from your spouse, from someone you trust.

 

Step #4 to save a marriage after separation-Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” Anthony Robbins.  It is essential that you both forgive and let go of the past pain to create a new relationship. If you are both open to forgive and learn from the challenges then you can grow together again.

 

Step #5 to save a marriage after separation-Create special dates

 

The time you spend together after a separation is key, it needs to pleasurable. As whether you like it or not, both of you will be hypersensitive and more than likely analyzing and judging everything. So you will want to make sure that you meet each other at a good place, at a good time. If your stressed from work, tired, hungry, ill, or get road rage on a particular route avoid these states by planning for it.  Look for opportunities to interact with your spouse in a pleasant atmosphere. Often the men I support will say to me “Nicola, my wife doesn’t want to see me alone yet, I cannot do anything” However through talking it through we brainstorm ways they can actually make the simple of exchanges of children extra special, how they can give special invitations to do things that entice their partner and how they can create special family events.

Make it a priority to have fun and laugh together as a couple once again. So you can both remember why you fell in love in the first place and create new positive memories.

 

Step #6 to save a marriage after separation-Look to the Future

 

As you know I am all about the future and moving away from the past when it comes to working with couples. Reigniting passion in a marriage after a separation requires leaving the past behind and creating a new way forward. No matter what has happened if you want to save the marriage the future has to look bright. There has to be a meaning and reason for why the two of you are together.

I cover 3 parts in this when I guide people to save their marriage and rekindle their relationship. These are creating new rituals, shared goals and dreams. All of which can create a new positive path for you both. You may be thinking but Nicola, we are separated we are not going to be talking about our future together. I get that, that is why you can do all of these steps without talking, simply by being and focusing on what you want.

 

Step #7 to save a marriage after separation-Respect your partner

 

A critical step towards repairing the relationship is reinstalling respect if lost or maintaining if you have it.  Showing respect throughout the separation involves sticking to the agreements you made, not over communicating or under-communicating, listening and supporting one another. Respect for each other’s space, pace and boundaries in the separation. As well as support for the roles you each take on in your daily life. When we feel respected we feel good and warm to our partner, so it is essential for relationship happiness. When overcoming challenges respect helps to approach them in a kind and thoughtful manner.

 

Step #8 to save a marriage after separation-Effective communication

 

It is crucial to be sharing your true feelings when going through a rough time in the relationship. Being vulnerable can build closeness.  However you need to be careful not to over express yourself, where you repeat how you feel and what you want to happen again and again.

When we obsess about our wants, desires and feelings in the relationship and continually push them on our partners, we crush the relationship and attraction. I use to keep saying to my ex but I want this and I want that, I didn’t realise how self-centred I was being back then. It’s so hard to see it when you are in it. So be careful not to over communicate. If you are confused on this, you ask yourself have I shown I care? do they know I care? If yes leave it, no need to keep on, if no then send one message expressing your care and that you respect their boundaries and are being careful to give them some space and that you would love to hear from them when they are ready. Bottom line share your true feelings and don’t over communicate. Get in touch with me if you need any support on striking the right balance.

 

I’d love to hear from you on this topic with any suggestions or questions.

From my heart to yours Nicola

Nicola Beer,

P.S If you haven’t already checked out the Marriage Secret Masterclass – 60-minute video, all you need to do is click here, register and get valuable tips to change your relationship now https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

3 Reasons & Ways To Stop Bickering In Your Relationship

Many couples bicker over all sorts of trivial things. Especially when they have become more disconnected, this is where ridiculous arguments, over pointless things can become big issues. For example I’ve heard couples bicker about the “right” way to pack the dishwasher, whether a colour is red or orange, who ate or drank what on an evening, who left the door open and  how to correctly pronounce the word “niche” … and there so many more of mine own I could share, before I knew how harmful it was.

As it goes without saying that these kinds of petty arguments are exhausting, frustrating and increase distance between a couple. I’m now well known for my online programs that help couples to transform the way they connect, communicate and relate. Bickering is something I like to address early on. If you’re  sick and tired of bickering then below are some tips for you. Insanity, as we all know, is carrying on the same and expecting things to change. So break-free from bickering today.

 

Why Do We Bicker and How Can We Reduce it?

Nitpicking about the minuet details of daily life can feel involuntary, you may know that the topic is hardly worth the breath you are giving it, you may even acknowledge you are being cranky, but it is so hard to stop right?

Well, I am here to shed some light on how to stop bickering in your relationship for good. As I still find it amazing how so many of us (myself included) can get trapped in pointless debates that damage our relationship.

Reasons We Bicker

  1. Power and control struggles

Throughout our lives, we can go through periods where we just cannot stand to be told what to do, no matter who is advising us.  It can be a painful reminder of being made to do something by a parent, teacher or boss. In those situations, we may not have had the courage to fight back but in our relationship, we feel more secure and safe so we do. The best way to stop power-struggle bickering I found – is to: Name it.

Highlight what is happening. For example, say “we are fighting over whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher”  “were arguing over who eats the last…” Said with a smile or physical affection (cuddle, arm on back or shoulder, kiss) many couples can just let it go and move on.

Control based arguments often benefit from this calling it out, as when it is brought into the light, you can then really see what is happening. It can help a couple to cool down and break the ice for more tips see below.

 

  1. The need to be right

Then there are the fights that are fixated on right and wrong. This is draining for both parties and kills passion. Who wants to be intimate with someone who is obsessed with being right?  The need for perfection and to win is draining and to many unattractive. Plus when one wins the argument it is the relationship that looses.

Of course on serious matters and decisions, there will be times that you need to present your reasons and stand for what you believe in. The sad thing is, there are countless times where the disagreements are just not important.

 

Here are a few suggestions to stop bickering in the marriage

Assess if it is worth it… Ask yourself:

 

Is this really that important to me?

Do I really care enough about this to keep going?

Does this have any actual consequence for my life?

Is this good for the relationship?

 

More often than not, you’ll probably find yourself answering, “No” to one or all of these questions. “No it doesn’t matter the way we drive to get to the supermarket.” or “No it doesn’t matter the way the coffee is made”

If the answer is no then taking a long deep breath and say nothing. Smile to yourself for being able to let it go. That is real strength.

 

What if the answer is yes?

Then the way to reduce bickering is to explain your point with a specific reason as to why it is important to you, also including the way you feel about it.

For example; instead of “we must clean up the house now.” It would be far better to say

“Can we clean up the house now, because we have our friends coming over later and I want the place to look good. It makes me feel at ease and much happier when the house is a certain way.”

When your partner responds ask yourself is what my partner is proposing a good solution/ compromise? Does their thinking make sense? If yes go with it, instead of retaliating – sometimes it can be so wonderful to just simply say yes. It’s freeing to not let the stuff bother us.

One lady I worked with to transform her marriage said to me, “Nicola I am doing this but it’s not working, the bickering is continuing”  I was surprised because with all the married couples I’ve worked with, when a person listen’s, empathize’s and let’s the need to be right go, the bickering always stops. Baffled I asked her to tell me word for word what was being said. She then let me know that after she agreed with him she would say: “well I know my way would have been better, but for the sake of peace I will do it your way.”  For obvious reasons this is not going to reduce bickering only ignite it, as nothing has been dropped it in this example.

What if you cannot stand their solutions and options to something, say so. If the issue can be dropped then agree to disagree and move forward. If the issue is important to one or both of you, then agree to keep on talking until you reach a compromise that you both feel is fair. Take some time out and revisit it later.

 

3. Avoid the real issue  

Another often misunderstood reason we bicker, is because we are scared, to be honest about the things that are really bothering us. So instead we use a pointless argument to get out our frustrations.

Having worked with countless couples now online and in Dubai, one of the main areas I see couples struggle with is one person’s need for more space and freedom and the other needing more love and closeness. This is always at play in a couple because it is the natural opposing forces of the masculine and feminine energy.

David Deida has written many best-selling books on relationships and masculine and feminine energy.  He explains that the masculine energy is constantly focused on achieving and that a person high in masculine energy (can be male or female) will care most about being a success and avoiding failure. This will drive them to be focused on their work, earning money, on being a success at everything they do in fact and seek perfection. The constant question a person with high masculine energy will ask themselves is:

Am I successful enough? Am I succeeding or failing?  Am I a success? This will make them heavily focused away from the relationships at times. They will need their career,  life goals, finances or fitness to be thriving and may seem like they are neglecting the relationship in pursuit of success. They will crave space and freedom from their partner and this can often lead to bickering if the other person is in high feminine energy.  This is because the feminine energy craves love and attention and the masculine to have space to focus. They, therefore, may get agitated by requests for love and things that take them away from their purpose and what they feel they need to do.

It causes bickering because it is opposite to what the feminine energy craves and wants. The feminine energy needs to know they are loved and be shown, love. The constant question for a person high in this energy is “am I loved? am I loved enough? am I loved? am I loved enough?   The focus of the feminine energy will be to seek more affection and attention from their partner to fill this void.

Bickering happens because they are wanting opposite things. Plus if the masculine energy person is told they are failing they may retreat as this is their worse nightmare to not succeed. So instead of more love being shown, more space and distance may occur.

So how can we use this insight to benefit our relationships?

  1. Appreciate the different needs

We can start by appreciating the differences and support each other. Knowing that this is the natural force of feminine and masculine energy at play and not personal. Whilst this main difference may seem to pull a couple apart, it is very good for sexual attraction to have a masculine and feminine energy matched couple, it’s what creates sparks in the bedroom.

 

  1. Express your true feelings

Ask yourself next time you are about to bicker

What is this really about?

Am I feeling like I need more space, freedom, or love? Or something else?

Then ask yourself: what is the best way to get this and be heard in the relationship?

Every situation I guide is different, however, you may want to start with:

  1. How you feel
  2. What you would like instead
  3. Appreciation for them listening and allowing you to be honest without defensiveness

 

Hope you found something useful in this. The urge to bicker may occasionally override your ability to assess and ask yourself these questions. However, if you read this several times or listen to the podcast version of this, you will find that it will become more natural with time.

I’d love to hear what you thought and how you got on. Feel free to get in touch anytime, Nicola

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S If you liked this article, then there is a strong chance you will like my two free gift offers below:

Free 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

Free Marriage Secrets Masterclass

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The Dangers Of Marriage Counseling – Why It Often Fails  

Have you considered or are in marriage counseling? If your marriage is in trouble then your answer is probably yes. But will marriage counseling help you? Will marriage counselling be a healing experience or will it make your marriage worse?

Many people ask me how I ended up as a marriage expert saving and strengthening 1000’s of peoples marriages all over the world. … “Nicola what made you choose this path, when I you are not yet married?”  they would ask and still do.  The truth is… I was working helping individuals and families through divorce to bring new positive changes into their life and time after time I would hear them say that they were getting divorced and didn’t want it to be over. That they had tried marriage counselling or talking through their problems and that had made things worse.

I later discovered that a common statistic is that 75% of marriage counselling leaves couples worse off or divorced after. For literally 1000’s of couples it make things worse, which is why the empowered love formula and marriage makeover programs I created are ALTERNATIVES  to marriage counseling.

Why do we need an alternative to marriage counseling? What’s wrong with marriage counseling?

When I asked countless couples what happened in their marriage counseling sessions they described what happens in individual counseling. Individual counseling is typically where the counsellor listen’s and empathizes patiently, as the client tells their story. The counselor asks questions to expose to the client how they feel at a deeper level and leave it for the client to assess their options.

This gentle, laid back approach will not work if you are trying to save your marriage. Working on a marriage requires focus, actions and structure. Here lies the problem, most marriage counsellors are individual therapists and follow the same way to help a couple. This doesn’t get results. The role of a good marriage professional should be to lead the couple, be assertive and provide guidelines on how to change the way they relate. Otherwise what tends to happen is the couple will move the battle ground from their home to the counsellor’s office. The counselor will feel that progress has been made. because a lot has been clarified and aired. That is because, for the marriage counsellor  it is the first time they have heard these things being said! For the couple they will have already discussed the same things before and will feel like nothing has been accomplished. In fact most couples leave feeling hopeless. Like they are somehow failing to make things work using this method, that perhaps their marriage cannot be fixed. When it is the method, not the couple that is to blame.

Having done some transformational work with individuals and couples now, one thing I know for sure is that you cannot apply the same method of individual counseling to marriage counselling. When a “marriage counselor” lets a couple clients get caught up in trying to persuade the counselor or each other their “side of the story” they are doing the couple a disservice. It’s a complete waste of time. Same with focusing on re-hashing out the past history of problems again and again.

You cannot talk someone into your way of thinking… and a marriage expert in my opinion is not their to take sides, but there to help.  Helping a couple heal a relationship is a completely different process than helping an individual love, heal and find them self.

If you want help with your marriage you don’t just want a professional to listen. You want someone with the confidence in the ability to provide a clear path to healing the marriage and moving forward. This only happens through actions. You want a marriage professional who is not shy about holding you and your spouse accountable to what you agree in your current and future action plan.

In short, you want leadership, you want direction, you want someone to guide  you what to do based on what has worked for 1000’s of successful couples before you. Unfortunately couples marriage counselling usually fails in this regard. This is why I do what I do. I felt my clients pain when they said they still love their husband or wife but feel stuck or hopeless to change things. The empowered love and marriage makeover programs I created on the other hand, provide a clear strategy with a proven step-by-step system for strengthening your marriage.

Another problem with traditional marriage counselling model I see is that there is an over-emphasis on feelings. While this is essential for individual counselling in marriage counseling it can cause undue strain to the relationship. If the marriage counsellor keeps focusing on having the couple share their feelings and repeat the negative side of the relationship, it often causes more distance, shame and shutdown.

Picture this; Stephen comes home from work one day and his wife Jennifer tells him she has had enough, she is unhappy and it’s over. Stephen then wakes up and agrees to join marriage counseling with her. Stephen is asked how he feels about being in the first marriage counseling session.

He replies: “I want to save my marriage and make my wife happy”.

“No that is not a feeling”, says the counselor. “…that is a thought.”

Stephen replies “I just want to fix the marriage and I am ready to do whatever it takes to make my wife happy again.”

“But how do you feel Stephen?” the marriage counselor asks.

“I don’t know” says Stephen, ” I would like to discuss the solutions please”

” You need to get in touch with your feelings first before we work on the marriage.”

Stephen feels agitated and hopeless. He is new to this and is trying his best. He is not interested into insight into himself right now, right now his priority is his marriage. He does not care about his psyche, he cares about his wife and children.

There is nothing wrong with this. It’s healthy in fact to know what you want and be willing to act.

The marriage counselor then turns to Jennifer.

” Jennifer how do you feel ”

“I feel lonely, disappointed, angry, let down, hopeless and fed up.”

Ok, that’s great you have shared that, thank you” says the counsellor and “why do you feel that way? “Please elaborate on your feelings…”

Jennifer goes on to explain something she has already shared more than once before and Stephen and Jennifer both leaving feeling more exhausted and disheartened. Jennifer because she has spent an hour reliving the past pain and gotten nowhere. Stephen because he feels more shame, hearing his failings without one suggestion of how to fix it.

Let me be clear, I love individual counseling and self-discovery. I have been on my own path of self-discovery and healing for the past 9 years and I will always continue to work on myself. This is because I love to do this. But this is not for everyone and self-exploration is always done best individually. The joint relationship counseling sessions I run focus on the future not the past. As repeating past history does not bring forgiveness or closeness .

Another alarming thing I find with traditional marriage counselling.  Is that many marriage counselors would describe themselves as neutral marriage therapists. By that I meant they say they are not in favor of marriage or divorce instead their job in the marriage counseling process is to guide you through a cost-benefit analysis of the relationship.   To put it another way, they plan to assess your marriage by going through a list of pros and cons for staying married. This is a disaster. You cannot weigh up or measure love, connection, friendship, trust, resentment or the emotional cost of divorce.

The modern world has become very consumer orientated and unfortunately this consumer mentality has come into mainstream marriage counseling. Deciding about your marriage is not akin to a purchasing decision . Relationships and family values do not lend themselves to be compared in charts. This approach does not work. It creates more confusion and stuckness. The only way to know if a marriage is save-able is to get out of limbo and into action.

My approach to strengthening marriages is radically different. I am not neutral unless there is physical abuse or danger. I will never tell a couple that their relationship will not work or they are better up apart as some marriage counselors do. I am not on the side of either one of the spouse.  I am on the side of the marriage. This is what couples need. This is why countless couples invest their time and energy in my relationship programs, they want to be guided on how to go about creating a new way forward. I walk couples through proven steps that enable them to know exactly HOW to transform their closeness and clear things holding them back like past hurt, poor communication and resentment. In a way that is authentic to them.

Recently Mary joined the empowered love formula on her own after marriage counseling had failed to have any positive impact on her marriage. After only a week she began to notice some positive changes in how she felt. A few weeks later she noticed a huge shift in her husband’s attitude, he was more helpful around the house and less controlling. I asked her what she attributed her success to, she said with  marriage counselling all she kept being asked was the same questions, “what do you feel?” and “what do you think you should do” she soon got tired of that. She felt she was not learning anything new.

She wanted answers, solutions and suggestions. She said to me “Nicola I am so thankful to find that you give answers and steps for me and us as a couple, it’s completely different to the marriage counseling we tried and that didn’t change anything. If you want to start getting some answers, download my free e-book 7 secrets to fixing your marriage here:

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

You get way more than this e-book when you subscribe to download it. I will also be sending you a list of powerful relationship boosting emails too. To get you well on the way to having the marriage you really want. Click here now https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

If you want to go it alone then follow this exercise. On one side of paper write a list of everything that you are unhappy about (to be kept confidential only for you) on the other side ask yourself – what do I need to let this go? Is it something you need to do, some action your spouse can take? or both. Then when ready, have a positive discussion with your spouse, where you agree for the next 6 weeks to make one behavior request of each other, each week. It can be something simple like “help more with clearing the table, put your phone away for an hour in the evening, plan a night out, or help you to get time to yourself… etc etc. Explore your feelings first alone and then think of ways to make things happier. Sharing complaints without action is futile. If you are stuck not knowing what you want, or what will help, consider getting some support. This is far more productive than leaving it for your spouse to guess and disappoint you.

Hope this article in some way helps,

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you are curious to learn more about how you can transform your relationship today in less than 60 minutes, watch the marriage secret masterclass by clicking on this link https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

It has a reputation for transforming relationships with a 98% success rate. Watch it and see 🙂

Being Blamed In Your Relationship? How To Stop The Blame Game  

How to effectively respond to blame and enhance your marriage.

 

Blame in any relationship is challenging to deal with, even more so in marriage. Your natural instinct may be to blame back. All this does is create more tension.  Husbands and wife’s that blame each other for their unhappiness, actions and inactions find that they get stuck in a spiral of resentment, where they start building a case against each other. I don’t want this for you. If your being blamed for everything in your relationship or you are both trapped blaming one another – this article will hopefully help you put an end to this.

 

The first thing when looking to rid your relationship from blame is recognizing what purpose blame may serve to an individual. Some people revert to blaming others because it protects their self-esteem by diverting attention away from themselves. Others revert to blame because they have learnt early on in life that it is painful to be wrong or in the wrong. Some people blame because it is easier than facing the truth. Then there are some of us who were raised by parents who never took responsibility for their actions.

 

When you are able to take a look at what blame is doing for your spouse and have compassion you will be on the path towards a blame-free marriage. I will share a few stories (names changed ) and what has worked with couples who joined my empowered love online program.

 

First let’s explore whether blame is happening in your marriage

 

Signs of blame in a marriage – what statements are true for you?

 

My partner often blames me for our marriage problems.

 

My partner often blames me for his/her unhappiness.

 

We are both fed up with certain aspects of our marriage

 

My partner refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the problems

 

My partner blames me for their behavior

 

Whenever I try to discuss our relationship my partner I end up being blamed

 

My partner refuses to talk about certain issues

 

I refuse to acknowledge my contribution to the problems

 

I shutdown when I am blamed  or retaliate

 

The more of these signs of blame that exist in your relationship the bigger blame is impacting your marriage happiness .

 

A common question I often get asked is “Nicola what can I do / should I do  when my husband/ wife blames me for the marriage problems.

 

 

Here are some reasons why your husband or wife may blame you

 

Why Your Spouse Blames You

 

  1. Protect Self-Esteem

 

When we blame something or someone else for our behavior we take away the responsibility and focus away from us.

 

Claire and Roberto were fighting over Claire’s sex drive. She was not in the mood for sex after the birth of their second child. She become less and less interested and more and more frustrated with her husband’s advances. She was tired of doing everything single-handedly in the home, whilst Roberto worked and went out more and more, she felt more and mole resentful and isolated. He blamed her for the marriage problems stating that her with-holding sex made him stressed and needing to go out and let off steam. He felt it was her problem to fix her low libido.

 

Claire blamed Roberto, that if he was a more helpful, cheerful and supportive husband, she would find him more attractive and want to be intimate with him. They were stuck in this vicious cycle of blame and neither felt loved or heard.  Both were refusing to look at their own behavior as it was far easier to blame than look within and be willing to make changes. Both secretly felt “I don’t want to have to change, they are the one that needs to change.”     

 

When we blame others for what we say, think and do; we give away our power.  It also damages the relationship because we stop acknowledging and addressing the real problems.

 

Ignored issues only get bigger.

 

The often unconscious thought process for those who blame their spouse is “if I blame myself I will feel inadequate. If I blame my spouse I may get what I want.”  It never works but thinking this way may make them continue to find reassurance in blaming.

 

Mike was having a stressful time in the office and instead of blaming work, he was blaming his wife for his stress because she didn’t make the home as tidy and as quiet as he liked. .

 

For such men and women, their spouse is playing the role of the scape goat.  It protects the self esteem but it harms the marriage.

 

The more a person is insecure the more they will resort to blaming. This is where compassion can come in recognizing that blaming is often not personal, just a way of coping with insecurities.

 

 

 

  1. Blaming is Habitual

 

Sometimes people blame because that is what they have learned to do throughout their life, where blaming has become a habit. Often a person will pick this up from a parent or influential figure growing up. People that do this may not know how to deal with conflict or relationship problems in a healthy way. I have someone like this in my close family, it still amazes me how they are never at fault. To the point where even if they did something they will blame it on someone else for not telling them to or not to. They will even blame the TV or radio show for their actions!  It took me sometime to realise that these people can’t tolerate responsibility for their actions. I  used to get angry but now I really feel for them, they don’t have another way to deal with problems or the courage to look within or accept they may have made a mistake.

 

  1. Blame for Change

 

The great thing about a partner who blames is that they are expressing their viewpoint and the existence of problems. This is healthier for the marriage than bottling up frustrations inside. As denial of problems and burying one’s head in the sand makes it far more difficult to resolve issues. It is also a sign of wanting the relationship to change for the better. A person who blames will stop blaming if they no longer care about the relationship. When people give up complaining it is often because they feel hopeless. So even if they see the only way to improve the marriage as your improving yourself, it’s an indication they care. and you can use the blame to create change.

 

 

Why Do We need To Stop the Blame Game?

 

Blaming is self-destructive – it disempowering rather than empowering. It hurts the relationship and blocks closeness. The fact is people who blame create more negativity for themselves and others.

 

If you allow your spouse to repeatedly blame you, you will eventually emotionally reject your spouse.  There is nothing loving about allowing yourself to be someone’s victim and vice versa.

 

Marriage counseling often focuses on blame. Where a couple go and each take it in turns to share why they think their partner is at fault for the problems. Which is why my approach to strengthening marriages is very different. There is no blame or no painful conversations. I meet many couples who get caught up in the blame game through marriage counselling and leave feeling worse off and further apart than ever before. This is why the empowered love online program ensures results through actions or I give a money back guarantee. It’s because I know the only way for lasting change is through inspired, giving loving action.

 

Occasionally people who blame, want marital counselling because they want the marriage therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse. This does not help the couple either, whether the marriage therapist agrees or doesn’t agree it is not going to make things any better. Some people desperately want the marriage therapist to say their partner is wrong and when they don’t they blame the marriage counsellor for not being very good.  Talking alone does not save a marriage, actions do, which is why forward focused coaching is far more effective in marriage transformation.

 

If you have not yet seen the marriage secret masterclass 60-minute video you can do so, using this link – it shows you how to bring about lasting change in your relationship and become closer. https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Remember who is right and who is wrong ultimately is not the issue here. The real issue is what you can do to increase the love and connection between you and your spouse

I hope you found this useful. Next week I will share more on blame with more steps you can take to deal with a spouse that blames you for everything, so stay tuned for that.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

 

P.S If you liked this article you may also find my free 7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage E-book helpful Copy the below link to access

7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

PP.S

Here is the Marriage Secret Masterclass link – with a 98% success rate in transforming relationships

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

3 Steps to Handling Rejection in Intimate Relationships

Rejection is painful no matter where it comes from, but it is especially hurtful when it comes from your partner…  The one that knows you the most and is meant to love ALL  of you deeply.   Rejection is one of the hardest feelings to experience because it often plays on your mind non-stop, like a stuck broken record… scratching away at you and your sanity.

This is how it used to be for me anyway and having supported 1000’s of people now, I know I am not alone.

My partner would rather watch re-runs of TV than want to spend time or make love to me. It hurt. As he sat there glued to the TV and his laptop day after day, night after night. I felt angry, frustrated and alone.

Then the real gremlins crept in, I started to wonder what is wrong with me.  Was I unattractive, perhaps too fat, too old, too boring or could there be someone else?   I would spiral into negative doubts about myself.

Then at the same time, I would shift the blame back to my partner. “There is something wrong with him”, I would say to myself he was an addict, a geek, abnormal and lazy.

The more I switched back and forth from self-blame to blame the more low energy I was pumping into our relationship and my life. It was like I was poisoning myself from the inside out, with no antidote to save me or us.  The whole relationship felt doomed and my self-esteem plummeted.  I felt wounded and could not shake it.

I remember searching online for some support and stumbled along an article that gave advice saying to

  1. Sit your partner down and tell them how horrible they are making you feel.
  2. Let them know how much pain they are causing
  3. Tell them you want more attention, affection and intimacy

I spoke to well-meaning friends and they said the same thing. Talk it through and point out to him what he is doing wrong…

So I did.

It backfired on me massively.

I didn’t know back then what I do now otherwise I NEVER would have followed it.

He felt attacked and “our talk” pushed us further apart. Of course, he already knew something had shifted in our relationship and he didn’t need it thrown back in his face. After “the talk” we both started analysing the relationship and each other’s behaviour, even more, watching out for any negative signs and actions.

When you look for something you find it!

Small things become big things!

We started to drift further apart, until it was more comfortable to live separate lives, in separate rooms. Low-frequency energy was pouring into the home and relationship like smoke from a fire, drowning us.

I failed to see back then, that my way of handling rejection was making the whole situation worse. That I was lighting this fire we were choking on.

Since then I have been on an extensive transformational 9-year journey of healing, research and self-discovery. During these years I studied psychology, relationships, counselling, hypnotherapy, meditation,  cellular healing, life coaching, conflict resolution, grief and loss, yoga and that’s not all of it. I spent literally 1000’s and 1000’s of dollars and even more hours to find out what works and what doesn’t  when it comes to transforming a relationship. and now having helped couples all over the world online to rebuild love and trust, I want to share a few tips. These work whether the relationship is suffering from a lack of affection and intimacy, financial conflict, family interference, cultural clashes, addictions or poor communication.

Whilst I cannot help  those I support to undo the past and their feelings of rejection, I can support them to let it go, self-sooth and focus on changing what they can control – their energy…

 

Common Causes of Rejection in a Marriage Are:

Refusing affection… cuddles, kisses, holding hands

Withholding sex

Statements like  “I love you but I am not in love with you” or “I don’t deserve your love”

Lack of quality time given and being present

N.B  Rejection from an emotional affair, physical affair or cyber affair requires a different strategy (you are welcome to reach out in private for details on this.)

 

Here are 3 Steps to Handling Rejection In Relationships

 

Step #1.  Handling Rejection – Self-Care

Many people start to scan and attack themselves after being rejected. Where they think ….  there must be something wrong with me, something I am not doing right or they wonder if they are good enough…

Sometimes people punish themselves with addictive habits that don’t serve them, negative self-talk or other forms of self-attacking. This only creates more harm to oneself and the relationship. In order to counteract the pain of rejection, we need to boost our self-esteem and self-love even more. Being nurturing and kind to ourselves is the only way to bring back balance into our lives and the relationship.

Think about it this way, if your partner is being unloving… then he or she is putting a low frequency, low vibe energy into the relationship.  They are essentially injecting it with an “un-love” vibration/mood.  If you then internalise it and also act in a unloving way either towards yourself or them there will be even more low vibe energy in the home and relationship.

Make sense?

If you want to move forward through rejection, then do take self-caring, confidence boosting actions. Do things that make you feel good. You make up 50% of the relationship, and with the right intention and positive energy, you can make 80-90% of the difference.

 

Step #2.  Handling Rejection — Give Without Expectation

As hard as it is, in order to move forward, we must accept the current situation and focus on what we can control – our own actions. You do this through accepting your partner’s behaviour and feelings and move forward in the direction you want. Don’t fight what they say or do, it often pushes them further away.

If you want a loving relationship, there needs to be love flowing in it. So if you want to be treated differently or want your partner to change the only way to do that is to be positive and give love. This makes you far more attractive than being needy or negative.

 

Step #3.  Handling Rejection –  Use It As a Sign to Take Action

Rejection is part of life and happens in all relationships from time to time. There will always be an occasion when one in the couple wants more attention, affection and intimacy and the other is less interested. Don’t take it to heart. They may not be in the mood for a whole host of other reasons. So assume it is temporary and that it will pass.

Low libido is often caused by fear, low mood, work stress and tiredness.  Lack of closeness by addictions, losses and significant life changes. Focus on what you can change – you.

Make an effort to create more fun and happy times.

Many men and women that assume the worse get caught up in a drama that the coldness will be permanent or mean’s “the end”.  This can cause unnecessary tension and strain in the relationship. If you brush it off as a passing phase and be loving and understanding back, it can often radically transform things.

These 3 things all fall under one key action that I help individuals to do and that is to AWAKEN THEIR LOVE ENERGY – If you have liked what you have read and want to find a whole new way to transform your relationship get access to the FREE MASTERCLASS today. Click here now

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

As mentioned if there has been an emotional affair or physical affair in your relationship, you will want to do more than this to rebuild trust and connection.   You have my contact details if you want to find out more about this privately.

As always I hope this has been helpful in some way to you.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S Give yourself and your relationship the gift of watching my masterclass. I created it to help and serve you. You can click on the link here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

 

Is Alcohol Ruining Your Relationship? Tips to Tackle It…

Having worked with 1000’s of couples now either 1 to 1 or in my online empowered love program, conflicts over drinking are common. Nothing is more difficult or heart-breaking than being married to someone who changes personality and is horrible when they are drunk.

Katy met Steve (her now husband 12 years ago) at work.  She fell in love with his outgoing personality, he was always the life and soul of the party, especially when he had had a few drinks. She found his jokes and humour really attractive, they had a world-wind romance and got married after a year of dating. Over the years things started to change. His drinking became more frequent and he became more aggressive when drunk. Now Katy dreads her husband drinking. Whenever they get an invitation to a dinner party, birthday or some other celebration, she starts to think of excuses for them not to go or finds reasons to plead with him to drive and not drink.

“Nicola he is just plain mean to me, he becomes short-tempered  aggressive and makes hurtful remarks about the way I look or what I have said.” He makes me feel like crap.  The next day I tell him what happened and the response is always the same.

He say’s “Really? I don’t remember, I’m sorry you know I don’t mean it, I was just drunk.”  

 Over the years this has become worse Nicola, I’m just not sure how much more  of this I can take…He doesn’t drink every day but when he does he won’t stop for anything. Never mind that we have family things planned or work the next day. I can’t tell you how many weekends, birthdays and holidays have been ruined now, must be  hundreds!”  Katy (name changed)

This is not a rare case, alcohol related relationship problems come up in 1 in 4 couples I work with. It is not only limited to men.  I have supported many husbands who find their wife too much to handle when drunk. This was the case for Ahmad and his wife.

“Nicola our main problem is her drinking, he she becomes another person… she repeats herself, slurs her words and doesn’t want to ever go home or stop. She lies about it all the time too, I know straight away when she has been drinking and it is becoming more and more frequent. Any excuse to drink, she even used our son’s homework as a reason to drink because she found it stressful.  I’m not sure how to get through to her, she sees drinking as fun and  to relax, but it is no fun for us to have another person in the house. I love her and just wish she would stop.!”

Alcohol related relationship problems are very common and when things become strained in the relationship, they tend to intensify. As resentment and frustrations can slip out more easily when under the influence, as inhibitions loosen and a false increased confidence happens.

 

So what can you do about it?

 

Well, I guess like most men and women that share alcohol is an issue in their relationship – you have probably already tried talking about it and nothing has changed?

Often talking does not change anything, in fact, it can make things seem worse. This is because when they repeatedly act in exactly the same way after you have explained begged or pleaded with them to change, their behaviour can hurt much deeper. As you have shown your pain and they carry on regardless.

Having gone through a rough time in Dubai when I first arrived 11 years ago, struggling with feeling lonely and stressed both within and outside of my relationship, I turned to drink for comfort.

For many years I would find myself drinking alone sat on my balcony, night after night. In fact, for over 2 years there wasn’t 1 day I didn’t drink. I was functioning in my job, in fact, I was having major success, but every night I would escape the pressure of life for a few hours by drinking alcohol…. Of course, it was not a real solution to anything, all I was doing was pressing pause on the problems. Everything was still there to greet me in the morning, only it was much harder to face with a weak mind, foggy head and low energy from drinking. I remember day in day out saying to myself almost every single morning… “I don’t want to drink tonight or I’m not going to drink tonight.”  but by the time I got home, I would have come up with a reason why.   It took over my rational thinking. Now I am not saying this is any way similar to your situation, but I do know how to break free of the cycle. Breaking free from the negative cycle of alcohol dependency to cope with life, was one of the most liberating life changing experiences I have ever gone through. It did take effort, plenty of research, planning and study but I have not only managed to completely shift this area of my life, I have helped 100’s of others too. I know what works and what doesn’t. I cannot explain how amazing it is to be free of the grips of alcohol and be in control of it rather than let it control you.

So here are some do’s and don’ts when dealing with a partner who is aggressive or abusive when drunk :

 

Don’t

 

Don’t tell them they are an alcoholic

Don’t try to reason with them when they are drunk

Don’t force them to go to AA or tell them they should never drink again

Don’t make ultimatums

Don’t take any their drunk talk to heart

Don’t accept blame

Don’t tell them they are in denial

 

Do

 

Do encourage activities without drinking

Do support them if they want to get help

Do allow them to address it in their own way

Do ask them what you can change in the way you relate and the relationship

Do research solutions and get support for yourself

Do walk away from challenging times

Do always protect yourself and any children from harm

Do only discuss your relationship issues when sober

 

It is fairly obvious to all of us that individuals react differently to alcohol. What can be difficult to understand is how someone can change from a happy drunk to an irritable or spiteful drunk in the same night or as the years go by.  How we act can be affected by not only the amount we drink, our emotions, weight, health, type of drink, food consumed and stress levels.

The hardest thing many men and women I support find is staying attracted to their partner, when they drink and behave in hurtful ways.  Many also go off drinking alcohol themselves leaving gaps in social companionship.

You may be tempted to say:

“Stop drinking”

“You have a problem”

“You’re in denial”

“Drink less”

Whilst these seem the most obvious and natural solution to fix the alcohol related relationship problems, it’s best not to go down this route.

For any lasting change it needs to come from them. It is important remember  that denial is often at play. Which is why frank discussions often get husbands and wives nowhere. Denial is closely linked with anger and the compulsion to defend. Your partner may find excuses and triggers for the behavior,  rather than look within themselves and take responsibility. You may find you or others around them are blamed.

It’s worth repeating again as it can affect the chances of positive change and recovery happening:

Never tell someone that they are in denial, have a problem or are an alcoholic.

No one wants to being labeled as being out of control, especially by their romantic partner. They may find it easier to admit it to a coach or therapist they trust if there is something they want to change, but to you it may be very hard. This is usually because the stakes are much higher, you will be able to see if they fail at their attempts to change their behaviour. They may also fear you watching and monitoring them.

Before I leave this important topic, I want to address another common question that I always get asked around this subject and that is:

 

“Do I believe the truth comes out when people are drunk?”

No, I do not agree that what is said while drinking is truth.

 

Having worked with countless couples through drinking related relationship problems now, many husbands and wives deeply regret what they said and desperately wish they could undo the words they said and things they did. So I don’t believe that things said by someone drunk should be taken at face value.

 

If it is your drinking or both your drinking that is causing arguments, consider having a break from it while you heal old wounds and become closer.

 

 

The key thing in all of this, is to not suffer in silence, find someone you trust and can talk to. Whether a coach, therapist, friend, or family member. There are also worldwide support groups like Alon and Alcoholics Anonymous you can contact for online or community support.

 

What are your comments about this important issue?

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S I have 2 free resources for you to support you become closer in your relationship. Copy the URL’s to access extra support today

7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Marriage Secret Masterclass

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

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