We all can probably remember a time in our lives where we have felt like giving up. Where we have felt exhausted, drained, alone and hopeless. I remember feeling so low at times that I could not see the point in trying or fighting anymore. Whether in the setup phases of my business many years ago or in my love life. During these times where I felt crushed, I would often ask myself
“what’s the point?” Having worked with 1000’s of couples now in my online programs I am not alone.
Many relationships inevitably hit a point where both parties may think
“what’s happened to us?”
“Where did things go wrong?”
“Why can’t things go back to how they used to be?”
When there seems to be more negative than positive times. Or where you feel more lonely and unhappy when in the same room than apart. Or where you are like ships passing in the night , living separate lives:
Many men and women share with me that they wonder whether it’s time to give up on their marriage? Whether separation or divorce is the way forward? Whether it’s best for them to just quit trying to save their marriage?
While it may be tempting to throw in the towel, often that is not the best solution.
Here are some steps to consider when you feel like giving up on your marriage:
- Talk it all through calmly
Now this one seems so obvious, doesn’t it? But you will be surprised at how people bury their head in the sand when problems arise in their marriage. Where they avoid the issues or each other to keep the peace. Marriage problems won’t disappear when left ignored. Instead, the exact opposite tends to happen. The unresolved differences cause resentment to build until one or both explode, sometimes without the possibility to repair. Or where the resentment has caused so much coldness and distance even the friendship has gone.
The key is discussing and making suggestions for change. Being willing to listen wholeheartedly to each other’s viewpoints and validate one another’s opinion by saying things like
“can I see your point of view”
“what you are saying makes sense”
and then giving your point of view.
The aim is to really get clear on what you both feel needs to change and working on it collectively. I find that creating a plan instantly makes me feel better when things seem hopeless. With no direction or plan to follow it’s easy to sink into depression.
Couples excel when they create a plan of action to make things better. If giving up on your marriage is a constant feeling get into some form of action.
- Consider some marriage support
If communication is difficult or you have no idea how to move forward talk to a few couple counselors and find a couple counselor that is forward focused in their approach.
There is no shame in asking for help; it’s actually a mark of maturity to realise that you want more for yourself and your marriage than putting up with the status quo. Having a couple counselor to guide you, can save you years of wasted time and energy simply hoping things will get better on their own. Things rarely change for the better through time, because resentment and negativity often breeds.
Reputable couple counsellors and couple counselling offices will often give a free marriage assessment where you can see if you like their approach and method to saving marriages. Take advantage of this and ask questions before you commit. You may want to ask for their experience in helping couples to save their marriage. As well as whether they have an outline or plan that is future focused or is purely talking through the marital issues. Many couples, unfortunately, find that paying to repeat all the past pains is not only a waste of time and money but that it sends them backwards rather than forwards.
If you keep having the same conversation time and time again and it feels like you are going around and around in circles, with neither of you really hearing each other that’s when a good couple counsellor can support you. Providing they bring a different approach to the table.
If you are undecided about whether or not to save your marriage, then individual counselling or coaching can also be an excellent choice. This is particularly useful if you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, guilt or anger. As such strong emotions are likely to cloud your judgment.
- Reconnect to why you fell in love with him/her
You fell in love for a reason. Is it worth giving up on this? To help you through the difficult times it can be useful to remind ourselves of the person and qualities we fell in love with. My man is attentive, caring, supportive the majority of the time unless his workload or stress takes over. Then he naturally becomes preoccupied. During this time, I have a choice I can see his behaviour critically or I can let it go because in the grand scheme of things he has a good heart and is a great partner. It takes practice to retrain your thinking but can be done and will make a huge shift in how you feel which will impact the relationship.
Let’s do an exercise together. Right now put your right hand on your heart, close your eyes and feel into it for a moment. Then ask your self these questions closing your eyes in between.
Why did you pick your partner? How did they make you feel at the start? What made your connection and romance so special? What do you love about them? What do you appreciate most about them? When you ask these questions notice what comes up. Often people feel warmth a shift of love inside or they smile.
If your dreams hopes and expectations have been shattered in pieces by disrespect, cheating, dishonesty, lack of attention or affection, then it may be hard to do this so move to the next one.
If you are feeling like giving up right now, are heartbroken or if resentment, anger and bitterness are consuming you and your energy. You need to focus on self-care first or in parallel with any couple counseling or relationship work that you perhaps decide to do on your own.
Giving yourself love, attention, care and kindness is key. I say to those I work with, treat yourself as if you have the flu, don’t expect too much from yourself when emotionally empty on good feelings. Just be loving to yourself by focusing on your health, happiness and growth.
- Accept and embrace change
One thing in life is certain and that is change. We all change and our circumstances constantly change too, this is one of the only guarantees in life. When we commit to someone we can often expect them to be our everything; our emotional, physical and mental support, as well as expect them to be exactly the same as when we first met.
Yet as much as we may wish this to be true, it is unfair and unrealistic for us to expect them to stay the same and vice versa.
When I work with couples online we focus on the future, we don’t bother trying to get the relationship back to how it was in the beginning, that’s a pointless task. Instead, we together define what the couple want the new relationship be like. We then look at actions that will bring the couple closer together. In these online sessions, we usually cover
1. Actions to create more love, fun, passion and understanding
2. Releasing resentment and removing negativity
3. Future goals, new ways of communicating and aligning
Change is a given, the goal is to continually unfold into the best versions of ourselves by supporting each other through the changes.
The question is are you willing to create new dreams and a new way forward together?
6. Practice forgiveness
Forgiving can seem to be hard, yet it is total freedom. It frees you from carrying the burden of the past and enables you to move forward. Get help to release past memories and events if you need to. Or get my free hypnotherapy forgiveness meditation here https://training.nicolabeer.com/forgive-mp3
7. Discover the truth
If you are sitting on the fence you will hurt your butt!
So better to take action to gain clarity and make a plan to move forward. Whether that’s talking it through with a marriage counsellor, making an effort to talk it through together and change things in your relationship or taking time for yourself to explore your true feelings.
Being honest with ourselves is the only way forward.
You have all the answers inside of you.
Trust your gut feeling.
Ask yourself Have I tried everything to save my marriage? Or If I gave up on my marriage now, could I do so knowing that I gave it my all?
Many men and women regret giving up on a relationship too soon ending it on the emotion of the moment. Only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to a partner who is 2nd best. Where later both spouses realise that they still love each other more than they can love anyone else and with the right help could have worked it out if only they tried. Wait and assess if you are unsure on what to do. You don’t need to know how it can work yet, first is the desire.
8. Give Love first before giving up
Give Attention, Appreciation and Affection
Before you give up on your marriage implement the 3 A’s for 3 months focus on giving to both yourself and your partner. You count too. Often we either give too much at our own sacrifice or have stopped giving love.
I hope this has been insightful or useful to you if you want more free support to strengthen your relationship join my empowered love master class it has helped strengthen 1000’s of relationships and there may be something you pick up that could be useful to you.
Register here: https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
From my heart to yours, Nicola
P.S Add to your calendar to check out the Empowered Love Master Class!
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