Holiday Blues? You are not alone…

Holiday Blues? You are not alone..!

Christmas & New Year Holiday is meant to be a happy time, yet in reality its the time that most people struggle.  If you are feeling low you are not alone. The National Institute of Health, US states that Christmas is the time of year that people experience a high incidence of depression. Expectations, hopes and dreams for the perfect holiday can often be shattered. I sincerely hope this is not the case for you, but if it is then I have something I want to share with you. You see Christmas was the time of year where I used to get most down, feeling lonely and disappointed at myself or life, this was both when single and in a relationship. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen and as we off-load what is on our mind and find our own way forward. As I am not in the UK to work for the Samaritans this year  I am opening my calendar for 4 days of free appointments on skype or zoom, 26th, 27th, 28th and 1st January. All you need is an internet connection.  If this calls to you, click on the link to book and lets chat. https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S Nothing is too small or too big to share and of course everything is in complete confidence.  I have been given so much support throughout turbulent times in my life and this is my way of somehow giving back.  So take advantage of having someone listen without judgment. Here is the link to book here

https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

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HOLIDAY GIFT – Create A New Beginning

 

With Christmas & New Year ahead of us with all the rejoicing it is the time to let go of all old unnecessary strings to find peace, serenity and start the new year fresh and make it a great success. It can bring up a lot of pain and stress this time of year.  So I have a very special gift…

 

If you or someone close to you have any turbulences in life that you wish to clear, or possibly like to talk it through, I am opening 4 days of free appointments.

 

26th, 27th, 28th and 1st January from a place of gratitude for all the people who supported me when life was hard. Now is your time if you want to talk to someone about what is on your mind just simply get in touch.  To speak with me you can either

 

  1. Copy this link to book a slot on those 3 days.

https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=4955591

 

Or

 

  1. Add me on Skype Nicola.beer5  and message to see if I am free

 

Or

 

3 Email me at nicola@purepeacecoaching.com on the day to see if there is space in person in Dubai Marina or on Skype when you need it.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S Fear and loneliness led me to develop many unhelpful obsessions and addictions. What I noticed is that when we share our thoughts the power they have over us can fade. You are in a safe environment no judgment whatsoever, you have access to a confidential place to share what is on your mind. If this resonates with you, l look forward to speaking with you.

 

PP.S If you think this could be of interest to someone you care about – feel free to share and forward.

 

Do You Have Each Other’s Back? 6 Tips To Make Your Marriage More Loving…  

Do you and your partner have each other’s back or are you operating more in a mode of attack?

We wouldn’t be human if we did not experience times in our lives that challenged us. It’s natural that certain events,  people and our own behaviour will trigger fear, anger, stress, jealousy, overwhelm, guilt from time to time. This is a normal part of being alive. We may not be able to control the circumstances but we can control how we deal with situations and choose our response.

Even though our happiness is ultimately up to us, what can make difficult times easier is feeling supported by our loved ones. Having each other’s back fosters martial closeness and connection and without it sometimes it can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. If the world seems to be against you and you feel your partner is on your side, it can make all the difference.

There are several ways you and your partner can have each other’s back. Look at the below ways and first see if you have their back, rather than assess them. If you are not giving something change it and see the magic unfold in your relationship. Or you may want to share this and work on it together to increase your happiness and passion.

6 Ways to Have Each Other’s Back

 

Marriage Advice Tip 1. Support each other’s roles

You probably decided at some point in your relationship who was going to be taking care of different things in the relationship and everyday life. From finances, career, family, social actives, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Supporting each other to fulfil the agreed roles and covering each other when one has too much going on, is a great way to have each other’s back in marriage.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 2. Support through sickness

What actually prompted me to write about this topic was an awful bout of food poisoning, I say awful because I have never experienced anything quite like it before. I was so weak, I couldn’t even stand up, I slept solidly for 55 hours and found it difficult to stand. It reminded me of so many couples I support who share how great they feel when their partner is loving when they are sick or how upset they get when their partner trivialises their sickness or shows no empathy.

What about you? Do you nurture your husband/wife when they are unwell? Do you cover for them? Do you listen to them if they are feeling down, anxious, emotional? Nothing is nicer than the gift of a love and kindness when your suffering. Sometimes even at my age when I feel like reaching out to my mum when I am sick because she always greets me with heartfelt sympathy it’s comforting.

We remember these things. Whether you support each other through ill-health can make or break a relationship., I see it most commonly with a depressed mood following major life changes, such as unemployment, a new baby, death of a loved one, etc When the husband or wife is unsympathetic, uncaring or avoids the issue, it can crush the relationship and break trust. If this is your situation, get in touch with me straight away on how to fix it.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 3 Reading and accepting all emotional states

Being responsive to our partner’s emotional state is key to living in harmony.  Stress and tiredness are something we all suffer from time to time, it is part of living in today’s face-paced, digital era. If your partner overreacts because they are stressed and irritable do you support them by letting it go or not making a big deal of it? Or do you bicker back?

What about times you or your partner are feeling insecure, jealous or threatened. Do you support them by addressing their fears with loving reassurance? Do you give them the attention and appreciation they are craving?

Another way you can help your partner and the relationship is by noticing a change in mood and checking to see if you may have unintentionally triggered something in them… For example, asking things like “Are you okay?” “Did I upset you in some way?”

 

Marriage Advice Tip 4 Speak only kind words  

I often hear couples say:

“We’re only together for the children.”

“I don’t know why we’re even married, some days”

“I’m not sure  I’m in love with you anymore”

“You’re crazy, controlling, grumpy, lazy, an idiot, too emotional, too sensitive, a head case, a jerk…”  

“You don’t really care about me”

“We made a mistake getting married / pregnant so quickly” 

“Our relationship ended a long time ago.”

When such statements are made it will not only damage how you see and treat your partner, it will also create hostility, fear and separation in the relationship. If either one of you is insecure, hurt or confused, it is not going to create that loving deep connectedness we all seek.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 5. Give praise

Supporting each other is giving praise, appreciation and admiration. A Harvard business report found that the best performing team in a study had a praise to criticism ratio of 5.6 in employee feedback. That is nearly 6 positive comments for every negative. Imagine what that would do for your relationship if you praised them 6 times for every complaint? It would be amazing I am sure, try it and see. Keep tabs on yourself.

When we frequently let our partner’s know that we love them when we show them in our behaviour that we respect and admire them, when we speak highly of them to others we are having their back. The opposite is making fun of, criticizing and complaining about one another.

 

Marriage Advice Tip 6. Shared and supported dreams

We all have dreams and expectations for the way we want our lives to play out. Whilst we rarely get all that we want, sharing and supporting each other to achieve our dreams no matter how small or big can be a loving way to connect and have each other’s back.

 

You may be reading this and thinking we do all of this already if that is the case great. If not, my wish for you is that this serves as a gentle reminder to listen and love more openly. Life can sometimes get in the way of who we truly are and I don’t want that for you and your marriage.

 

Have a great week ahead, from my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you want to strengthen or fix your relationship, then download my 7 secrets to fixing your relationship. It’s designed to give you 7 clear tips on what to do to break free from the past and start a whole new way forward.

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Can You Save A Marriage After Separation? Or is it the End?  

The most common questions I get asked are:  How can you save a marriage after separation?

Or how can I get my husband or wife to reconsider a  separation?  Or My husband/ wife is insisting on a separation, what can I do?

These are important questions as it is a critical time if you want to save your marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you are currently physically separated or just thinking about having a separation there are certain things you must do to help the relationship.

Regardless of the underlying problems, separation is typically an emotionally intense time for both partners. Anxiety, feelings of overwhelm, frustration, regret and loneliness are to be expected. However, a separation in marriage can also serve as a valuable wake up call, giving both of you time to recreate a new beginning for you and any children. For some married men and women, separation has come after months or even years of tension and turmoil in the relationship. For others, it can seem more like a hit and run, where the shock of the news that your husband or wife wants to separate can literally knock you to the floor. Whether you saw the signs or not is not of importance right now. Beating yourself up, pondering over where you went wrong again and again is only going to drive you further apart and most likely insane! Now is the time for action and I’ve written this to help you.

As, how you act in the hours, days and weeks after a separation has been asked for or happened will determine your fate as a couple. I know what works having helped 1000’s of marriages now and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes, so many unintentionally make. If this is describing your situation, I suggest you read this article straight away and follow the principles below. You also may want to check out my free marriage secret masterclass https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration  which has helped 1000’s of people now transform their relationship in record time: you can watch it by clicking here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

Whatever you do – don’t let another day go by without getting the right knowledge and support.

Strategies to save a marriage after separation

Step #1 to save a marriage after separation- Avoid blaming

It can be so easy to blame your husband or wife for their action or inaction in the relationship. In fact the more you turn your focus on what went wrong and who is to blame, the more negative your picture of the relationship will become. Negativity breeds negativity. If you are focusing on saving your marriage after separation, then you will want to deal with any anger or resentment in a healthy way. Helping individuals and couples to rid themselves of resentment is something I have become somewhat of an expert in. It’s important to rid yourself of anger, as you don’t need to say anything to know your partner is angry with you, you can feel it.

Take responsibility for your own actions and attitudes, look within – this is the fastest way to save a marriage after separation.

 

Step #2 to save a marriage after separation-Set clear expectations

 

One of the reasons marriages tend to go through a crisis or even end in divorce is because of misaligned expectations. Where a husband or wife thought their spouse would behave differently to how they are. Get really clear on what your partner is expecting from you during the separation or if you are discussing it, how they see it working make sure this covers

– Frequency of communication

– Type of communication

– Financial matters

– Child or domestic care

– Social activities and events

– Who will know and what you will say to others

Also where the relationship will be, for example, will you still date, be intimate, not engage?

 

Step #3 to save a marriage after separation-Address the root issues

 

The threat of separation or an actual separation can be a valuable opportunity to assess your relationship for what is working and what has not been working. I have everyone who joins the empowered love program email me a list of complaints that their partner has made about them over the years. We then analyze them for common themes and fears. If you want to save the marriage after separation and stop divorce the real issues need to be addressed.  As the problem, I noticed in my own relationships and in those I help is that we bicker about a lot of surface stuff and the real pain or hurt is not expressed or healed.

 

Perhaps you are reading this thinking the cause seems obvious, it’s an affair, addiction, anger issue. However, behind these three which I deal with most often their are probably several underlying root causes linked to negative previous experiences and emotions that have not been addressed. I have suffered from many addictions, and curing the addiction was only the beginning, underneath it lay low self-esteem, a lack of self-love, loneliness and a huge amount of fear.  Support in this area can be vital and ideally not solely from your spouse, from someone you trust.

 

Step #4 to save a marriage after separation-Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” Anthony Robbins.  It is essential that you both forgive and let go of the past pain to create a new relationship. If you are both open to forgive and learn from the challenges then you can grow together again.

 

Step #5 to save a marriage after separation-Create special dates

 

The time you spend together after a separation is key, it needs to pleasurable. As whether you like it or not, both of you will be hypersensitive and more than likely analyzing and judging everything. So you will want to make sure that you meet each other at a good place, at a good time. If your stressed from work, tired, hungry, ill, or get road rage on a particular route avoid these states by planning for it.  Look for opportunities to interact with your spouse in a pleasant atmosphere. Often the men I support will say to me “Nicola, my wife doesn’t want to see me alone yet, I cannot do anything” However through talking it through we brainstorm ways they can actually make the simple of exchanges of children extra special, how they can give special invitations to do things that entice their partner and how they can create special family events.

Make it a priority to have fun and laugh together as a couple once again. So you can both remember why you fell in love in the first place and create new positive memories.

 

Step #6 to save a marriage after separation-Look to the Future

 

As you know I am all about the future and moving away from the past when it comes to working with couples. Reigniting passion in a marriage after a separation requires leaving the past behind and creating a new way forward. No matter what has happened if you want to save the marriage the future has to look bright. There has to be a meaning and reason for why the two of you are together.

I cover 3 parts in this when I guide people to save their marriage and rekindle their relationship. These are creating new rituals, shared goals and dreams. All of which can create a new positive path for you both. You may be thinking but Nicola, we are separated we are not going to be talking about our future together. I get that, that is why you can do all of these steps without talking, simply by being and focusing on what you want.

 

Step #7 to save a marriage after separation-Respect your partner

 

A critical step towards repairing the relationship is reinstalling respect if lost or maintaining if you have it.  Showing respect throughout the separation involves sticking to the agreements you made, not over communicating or under-communicating, listening and supporting one another. Respect for each other’s space, pace and boundaries in the separation. As well as support for the roles you each take on in your daily life. When we feel respected we feel good and warm to our partner, so it is essential for relationship happiness. When overcoming challenges respect helps to approach them in a kind and thoughtful manner.

 

Step #8 to save a marriage after separation-Effective communication

 

It is crucial to be sharing your true feelings when going through a rough time in the relationship. Being vulnerable can build closeness.  However you need to be careful not to over express yourself, where you repeat how you feel and what you want to happen again and again.

When we obsess about our wants, desires and feelings in the relationship and continually push them on our partners, we crush the relationship and attraction. I use to keep saying to my ex but I want this and I want that, I didn’t realise how self-centred I was being back then. It’s so hard to see it when you are in it. So be careful not to over communicate. If you are confused on this, you ask yourself have I shown I care? do they know I care? If yes leave it, no need to keep on, if no then send one message expressing your care and that you respect their boundaries and are being careful to give them some space and that you would love to hear from them when they are ready. Bottom line share your true feelings and don’t over communicate. Get in touch with me if you need any support on striking the right balance.

 

I’d love to hear from you on this topic with any suggestions or questions.

From my heart to yours Nicola

Nicola Beer,

P.S If you haven’t already checked out the Marriage Secret Masterclass – 60-minute video, all you need to do is click here, register and get valuable tips to change your relationship now https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

The Dangers Of Marriage Counseling – Why It Often Fails  

Have you considered or are in marriage counseling? If your marriage is in trouble then your answer is probably yes. But will marriage counseling help you? Will marriage counselling be a healing experience or will it make your marriage worse?

Many people ask me how I ended up as a marriage expert saving and strengthening 1000’s of peoples marriages all over the world. … “Nicola what made you choose this path, when I you are not yet married?”  they would ask and still do.  The truth is… I was working helping individuals and families through divorce to bring new positive changes into their life and time after time I would hear them say that they were getting divorced and didn’t want it to be over. That they had tried marriage counselling or talking through their problems and that had made things worse.

I later discovered that a common statistic is that 75% of marriage counselling leaves couples worse off or divorced after. For literally 1000’s of couples it make things worse, which is why the empowered love formula and marriage makeover programs I created are ALTERNATIVES  to marriage counseling.

Why do we need an alternative to marriage counseling? What’s wrong with marriage counseling?

When I asked countless couples what happened in their marriage counseling sessions they described what happens in individual counseling. Individual counseling is typically where the counsellor listen’s and empathizes patiently, as the client tells their story. The counselor asks questions to expose to the client how they feel at a deeper level and leave it for the client to assess their options.

This gentle, laid back approach will not work if you are trying to save your marriage. Working on a marriage requires focus, actions and structure. Here lies the problem, most marriage counsellors are individual therapists and follow the same way to help a couple. This doesn’t get results. The role of a good marriage professional should be to lead the couple, be assertive and provide guidelines on how to change the way they relate. Otherwise what tends to happen is the couple will move the battle ground from their home to the counsellor’s office. The counselor will feel that progress has been made. because a lot has been clarified and aired. That is because, for the marriage counsellor  it is the first time they have heard these things being said! For the couple they will have already discussed the same things before and will feel like nothing has been accomplished. In fact most couples leave feeling hopeless. Like they are somehow failing to make things work using this method, that perhaps their marriage cannot be fixed. When it is the method, not the couple that is to blame.

Having done some transformational work with individuals and couples now, one thing I know for sure is that you cannot apply the same method of individual counseling to marriage counselling. When a “marriage counselor” lets a couple clients get caught up in trying to persuade the counselor or each other their “side of the story” they are doing the couple a disservice. It’s a complete waste of time. Same with focusing on re-hashing out the past history of problems again and again.

You cannot talk someone into your way of thinking… and a marriage expert in my opinion is not their to take sides, but there to help.  Helping a couple heal a relationship is a completely different process than helping an individual love, heal and find them self.

If you want help with your marriage you don’t just want a professional to listen. You want someone with the confidence in the ability to provide a clear path to healing the marriage and moving forward. This only happens through actions. You want a marriage professional who is not shy about holding you and your spouse accountable to what you agree in your current and future action plan.

In short, you want leadership, you want direction, you want someone to guide  you what to do based on what has worked for 1000’s of successful couples before you. Unfortunately couples marriage counselling usually fails in this regard. This is why I do what I do. I felt my clients pain when they said they still love their husband or wife but feel stuck or hopeless to change things. The empowered love and marriage makeover programs I created on the other hand, provide a clear strategy with a proven step-by-step system for strengthening your marriage.

Another problem with traditional marriage counselling model I see is that there is an over-emphasis on feelings. While this is essential for individual counselling in marriage counseling it can cause undue strain to the relationship. If the marriage counsellor keeps focusing on having the couple share their feelings and repeat the negative side of the relationship, it often causes more distance, shame and shutdown.

Picture this; Stephen comes home from work one day and his wife Jennifer tells him she has had enough, she is unhappy and it’s over. Stephen then wakes up and agrees to join marriage counseling with her. Stephen is asked how he feels about being in the first marriage counseling session.

He replies: “I want to save my marriage and make my wife happy”.

“No that is not a feeling”, says the counselor. “…that is a thought.”

Stephen replies “I just want to fix the marriage and I am ready to do whatever it takes to make my wife happy again.”

“But how do you feel Stephen?” the marriage counselor asks.

“I don’t know” says Stephen, ” I would like to discuss the solutions please”

” You need to get in touch with your feelings first before we work on the marriage.”

Stephen feels agitated and hopeless. He is new to this and is trying his best. He is not interested into insight into himself right now, right now his priority is his marriage. He does not care about his psyche, he cares about his wife and children.

There is nothing wrong with this. It’s healthy in fact to know what you want and be willing to act.

The marriage counselor then turns to Jennifer.

” Jennifer how do you feel ”

“I feel lonely, disappointed, angry, let down, hopeless and fed up.”

Ok, that’s great you have shared that, thank you” says the counsellor and “why do you feel that way? “Please elaborate on your feelings…”

Jennifer goes on to explain something she has already shared more than once before and Stephen and Jennifer both leaving feeling more exhausted and disheartened. Jennifer because she has spent an hour reliving the past pain and gotten nowhere. Stephen because he feels more shame, hearing his failings without one suggestion of how to fix it.

Let me be clear, I love individual counseling and self-discovery. I have been on my own path of self-discovery and healing for the past 9 years and I will always continue to work on myself. This is because I love to do this. But this is not for everyone and self-exploration is always done best individually. The joint relationship counseling sessions I run focus on the future not the past. As repeating past history does not bring forgiveness or closeness .

Another alarming thing I find with traditional marriage counselling.  Is that many marriage counselors would describe themselves as neutral marriage therapists. By that I meant they say they are not in favor of marriage or divorce instead their job in the marriage counseling process is to guide you through a cost-benefit analysis of the relationship.   To put it another way, they plan to assess your marriage by going through a list of pros and cons for staying married. This is a disaster. You cannot weigh up or measure love, connection, friendship, trust, resentment or the emotional cost of divorce.

The modern world has become very consumer orientated and unfortunately this consumer mentality has come into mainstream marriage counseling. Deciding about your marriage is not akin to a purchasing decision . Relationships and family values do not lend themselves to be compared in charts. This approach does not work. It creates more confusion and stuckness. The only way to know if a marriage is save-able is to get out of limbo and into action.

My approach to strengthening marriages is radically different. I am not neutral unless there is physical abuse or danger. I will never tell a couple that their relationship will not work or they are better up apart as some marriage counselors do. I am not on the side of either one of the spouse.  I am on the side of the marriage. This is what couples need. This is why countless couples invest their time and energy in my relationship programs, they want to be guided on how to go about creating a new way forward. I walk couples through proven steps that enable them to know exactly HOW to transform their closeness and clear things holding them back like past hurt, poor communication and resentment. In a way that is authentic to them.

Recently Mary joined the empowered love formula on her own after marriage counseling had failed to have any positive impact on her marriage. After only a week she began to notice some positive changes in how she felt. A few weeks later she noticed a huge shift in her husband’s attitude, he was more helpful around the house and less controlling. I asked her what she attributed her success to, she said with  marriage counselling all she kept being asked was the same questions, “what do you feel?” and “what do you think you should do” she soon got tired of that. She felt she was not learning anything new.

She wanted answers, solutions and suggestions. She said to me “Nicola I am so thankful to find that you give answers and steps for me and us as a couple, it’s completely different to the marriage counseling we tried and that didn’t change anything. If you want to start getting some answers, download my free e-book 7 secrets to fixing your marriage here:

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

You get way more than this e-book when you subscribe to download it. I will also be sending you a list of powerful relationship boosting emails too. To get you well on the way to having the marriage you really want. Click here now https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

If you want to go it alone then follow this exercise. On one side of paper write a list of everything that you are unhappy about (to be kept confidential only for you) on the other side ask yourself – what do I need to let this go? Is it something you need to do, some action your spouse can take? or both. Then when ready, have a positive discussion with your spouse, where you agree for the next 6 weeks to make one behavior request of each other, each week. It can be something simple like “help more with clearing the table, put your phone away for an hour in the evening, plan a night out, or help you to get time to yourself… etc etc. Explore your feelings first alone and then think of ways to make things happier. Sharing complaints without action is futile. If you are stuck not knowing what you want, or what will help, consider getting some support. This is far more productive than leaving it for your spouse to guess and disappoint you.

Hope this article in some way helps,

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you are curious to learn more about how you can transform your relationship today in less than 60 minutes, watch the marriage secret masterclass by clicking on this link https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

It has a reputation for transforming relationships with a 98% success rate. Watch it and see 🙂

Is Alcohol Ruining Your Relationship? Tips to Tackle It…

Having worked with 1000’s of couples now either 1 to 1 or in my online empowered love program, conflicts over drinking are common. Nothing is more difficult or heart-breaking than being married to someone who changes personality and is horrible when they are drunk.

Katy met Steve (her now husband 12 years ago) at work.  She fell in love with his outgoing personality, he was always the life and soul of the party, especially when he had had a few drinks. She found his jokes and humour really attractive, they had a world-wind romance and got married after a year of dating. Over the years things started to change. His drinking became more frequent and he became more aggressive when drunk. Now Katy dreads her husband drinking. Whenever they get an invitation to a dinner party, birthday or some other celebration, she starts to think of excuses for them not to go or finds reasons to plead with him to drive and not drink.

“Nicola he is just plain mean to me, he becomes short-tempered  aggressive and makes hurtful remarks about the way I look or what I have said.” He makes me feel like crap.  The next day I tell him what happened and the response is always the same.

He say’s “Really? I don’t remember, I’m sorry you know I don’t mean it, I was just drunk.”  

 Over the years this has become worse Nicola, I’m just not sure how much more  of this I can take…He doesn’t drink every day but when he does he won’t stop for anything. Never mind that we have family things planned or work the next day. I can’t tell you how many weekends, birthdays and holidays have been ruined now, must be  hundreds!”  Katy (name changed)

This is not a rare case, alcohol related relationship problems come up in 1 in 4 couples I work with. It is not only limited to men.  I have supported many husbands who find their wife too much to handle when drunk. This was the case for Ahmad and his wife.

“Nicola our main problem is her drinking, he she becomes another person… she repeats herself, slurs her words and doesn’t want to ever go home or stop. She lies about it all the time too, I know straight away when she has been drinking and it is becoming more and more frequent. Any excuse to drink, she even used our son’s homework as a reason to drink because she found it stressful.  I’m not sure how to get through to her, she sees drinking as fun and  to relax, but it is no fun for us to have another person in the house. I love her and just wish she would stop.!”

Alcohol related relationship problems are very common and when things become strained in the relationship, they tend to intensify. As resentment and frustrations can slip out more easily when under the influence, as inhibitions loosen and a false increased confidence happens.

 

So what can you do about it?

 

Well, I guess like most men and women that share alcohol is an issue in their relationship – you have probably already tried talking about it and nothing has changed?

Often talking does not change anything, in fact, it can make things seem worse. This is because when they repeatedly act in exactly the same way after you have explained begged or pleaded with them to change, their behaviour can hurt much deeper. As you have shown your pain and they carry on regardless.

Having gone through a rough time in Dubai when I first arrived 11 years ago, struggling with feeling lonely and stressed both within and outside of my relationship, I turned to drink for comfort.

For many years I would find myself drinking alone sat on my balcony, night after night. In fact, for over 2 years there wasn’t 1 day I didn’t drink. I was functioning in my job, in fact, I was having major success, but every night I would escape the pressure of life for a few hours by drinking alcohol…. Of course, it was not a real solution to anything, all I was doing was pressing pause on the problems. Everything was still there to greet me in the morning, only it was much harder to face with a weak mind, foggy head and low energy from drinking. I remember day in day out saying to myself almost every single morning… “I don’t want to drink tonight or I’m not going to drink tonight.”  but by the time I got home, I would have come up with a reason why.   It took over my rational thinking. Now I am not saying this is any way similar to your situation, but I do know how to break free of the cycle. Breaking free from the negative cycle of alcohol dependency to cope with life, was one of the most liberating life changing experiences I have ever gone through. It did take effort, plenty of research, planning and study but I have not only managed to completely shift this area of my life, I have helped 100’s of others too. I know what works and what doesn’t. I cannot explain how amazing it is to be free of the grips of alcohol and be in control of it rather than let it control you.

So here are some do’s and don’ts when dealing with a partner who is aggressive or abusive when drunk :

 

Don’t

 

Don’t tell them they are an alcoholic

Don’t try to reason with them when they are drunk

Don’t force them to go to AA or tell them they should never drink again

Don’t make ultimatums

Don’t take any their drunk talk to heart

Don’t accept blame

Don’t tell them they are in denial

 

Do

 

Do encourage activities without drinking

Do support them if they want to get help

Do allow them to address it in their own way

Do ask them what you can change in the way you relate and the relationship

Do research solutions and get support for yourself

Do walk away from challenging times

Do always protect yourself and any children from harm

Do only discuss your relationship issues when sober

 

It is fairly obvious to all of us that individuals react differently to alcohol. What can be difficult to understand is how someone can change from a happy drunk to an irritable or spiteful drunk in the same night or as the years go by.  How we act can be affected by not only the amount we drink, our emotions, weight, health, type of drink, food consumed and stress levels.

The hardest thing many men and women I support find is staying attracted to their partner, when they drink and behave in hurtful ways.  Many also go off drinking alcohol themselves leaving gaps in social companionship.

You may be tempted to say:

“Stop drinking”

“You have a problem”

“You’re in denial”

“Drink less”

Whilst these seem the most obvious and natural solution to fix the alcohol related relationship problems, it’s best not to go down this route.

For any lasting change it needs to come from them. It is important remember  that denial is often at play. Which is why frank discussions often get husbands and wives nowhere. Denial is closely linked with anger and the compulsion to defend. Your partner may find excuses and triggers for the behavior,  rather than look within themselves and take responsibility. You may find you or others around them are blamed.

It’s worth repeating again as it can affect the chances of positive change and recovery happening:

Never tell someone that they are in denial, have a problem or are an alcoholic.

No one wants to being labeled as being out of control, especially by their romantic partner. They may find it easier to admit it to a coach or therapist they trust if there is something they want to change, but to you it may be very hard. This is usually because the stakes are much higher, you will be able to see if they fail at their attempts to change their behaviour. They may also fear you watching and monitoring them.

Before I leave this important topic, I want to address another common question that I always get asked around this subject and that is:

 

“Do I believe the truth comes out when people are drunk?”

No, I do not agree that what is said while drinking is truth.

 

Having worked with countless couples through drinking related relationship problems now, many husbands and wives deeply regret what they said and desperately wish they could undo the words they said and things they did. So I don’t believe that things said by someone drunk should be taken at face value.

 

If it is your drinking or both your drinking that is causing arguments, consider having a break from it while you heal old wounds and become closer.

 

 

The key thing in all of this, is to not suffer in silence, find someone you trust and can talk to. Whether a coach, therapist, friend, or family member. There are also worldwide support groups like Alon and Alcoholics Anonymous you can contact for online or community support.

 

What are your comments about this important issue?

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Nicola Beer

P.S I have 2 free resources for you to support you become closer in your relationship. Copy the URL’s to access extra support today

7 Secrets To Fixing Your Marriage – Free Report

https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Marriage Secret Masterclass

https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

Is It Okay to Snoop / Check On Your Partner’s Phone?

Snooping comes up time and time again in my work with couples from all over the world online. Arguments over discoveries after snooping on phones are frequent. This has included

1. Facebook messages to ex’s,
2. Whats app messages sharing intimate details or marriage complaints to friends, family or strangers
3. Flirting with work colleagues or old school friends.

The most common is flirting, which can often cause a lot of heartache, distrust, anger and anxiety in relationships. Many men and women alike confess to me that they regularly snoop on their partner phone. Yet their partner often feels violated, angered and not trusted.
My take on it is:

 

You need to decide as a couple whether it is acceptable or not acceptable. To help you make that decision here are some good arguments for and against.

 

For Snooping and Spying on Your Partner’s Phone
1. A great marriage is a transparent marriage. The benefit of transparency in a relationship should never be underestimated. Full transparency enables couples to have a deeper connection and intimacy. The more you know about each other the easier it is to make each other happy and avoid things that destroy love.

 

2. The more you know each other the better and more meaningful conversations you can have, as you will be able to talk about more than just logistical or financial things.

 

3. Couples that have full transparency often feel more connected and can often find it easier to make joint decisions, as they know more details.

 

4. Snooping can bring a sense of inner peace. When partners check and find nothing – they can feel calmer and relax – which is better for a relationship. Many also argue If there is nothing to hide, then what is the problem with snooping.

 

5. Snooping can help ensure that a partner doesn’t do anything that could hurt the relationship or each other if they know their behaviour could be viewed. The public sharing can hold a person more accountable and this, in turn, can result in behaviour that is more caring, which is good for relationship longevity.

 

6. The risk of an affair can be reduced, as checking a spouse’s phone, helps to ward off any flirty behaviour that might happen if never checked. Given the high incident of infidelity and severe emotional damage it causes, some couples welcome checking to warn off an affair.

 

7. Many pro-checking a partners phone, believe that following your intuition to look and picking up on red flags in the relationship is natural and healthy. And that to ignore the inner signals and signs would be to watch the relationship die without taking any action. They argue it helps the relationship to snoop and follow your own inner wisdom.

 

If you like this approach then – give each other all of your passwords, provide each other with your calendar and phone access. Also consider signing an agreement: whereby you and your partner agree that there is no right to privacy in your marriage and that everything is allowed to be checked and shared.

If you do agree today that there should be no privacy in your marriage and that snooping is allowed, some marriage experts believe that you’ll spare yourselves considerable grief and sorrow. As it warns off affairs and therefore divorce

Mariage expert W. Havrey states that “You should not criticize the snooper. Instead, eliminate the conditions that made the snooping seem reasonable”

 

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Against Snooping and Spying on Your Partner’s Phone

 

1. We all have a right to privacy, some argue. No matter what circumstances, many believe that this is a basic human right and should be acknowledged in the marriage.

 

2. Against the argument, many believe that we need to protect our individual identity. As we are individuals first and a couple second, we need to keep our privacy in order to keep our sense of self and that this is healthy for the individual and the relationship.

 

3. Snooping can lead to misunderstandings and wrong assumptions. Texts can be read out of context and leave room for misinterpretation. I have witnessed this, where a lady read her husband’s messages and determined he was homosexual. This affected their intimacy and happiness as she withdrew, yet she later discovered it was not true. Checking information can also result in harmful accusations being made, which is damaging to the relationship.

 

4. Trust is an essential part of a marriage. When two people come together in union they must trust each other. Secretly or overtly spying on your partner’s phone implies that you do not trust them.

 

5. Checking a spouse’s phone can become addictive. If things are misunderstood it can trigger more doubt which can, in turn, to lead to the urge to check more. I once helped a lady to break the habit of checking her husband’s phone every night when he slept. She constantly needed to wake herself up in the night to check. Needless to say, she felt tired and exhausted the next day but could not stop the addictive habit. Another man I worked with would check his fiancées Facebook account 8 to 20 times a day. He always found nothing and she gave him the access but he became addicted to checking to feel comfort and peace of mind.

 

6. It’s better to be an adult and deal with insecurities and red flags in a mature way, by first looking at ourselves then our partner and relationship. Some that are against argue in my online sessions that it is possible to address all of this without checking and invading a partners privacy. Which it can be.

 

7. The finding of something painful or worrying can cause more fear and anxiety which ill impact the closeness. As it does not give the partner the opportunity to explain their point of view. Believers of against state that things need to be addressed openly through willing information, not coercion.

 

***************************************************************************************************

 

As you can see there are two entirely different ways to look at this and that is why it is important for a couple to reach an agreement on it, for what they want in their relationship.

 

My perspective…

 

Personally, I believe, that such incidents are circumstantial. I know when our intuition tells us something we need to listen.

Rather than snoop though I would always recommend trying to address the concerns and focus on making the relationship closer.. Take the urge to snoop as a warning sign that the marriage needs attention. Often people only snoop when things in the relationship are not as close or connected as they once were….

If your marriage has lost its spark, you are no longer in love with each other or there is coldness and distance between you, do something about it today!

Act now before it’s too late!

So many couples wait until their marriage is on the brink of divorce to take any action. Often by then the tension and resentment is at an all time high and the couple are not even friends, let alone lovers.

 

The greatest risk of an affair is when a marriage is no longer romantic. That is when another man or woman steps in to fill the void. Do something about your relationship today so that you or your spouse don’t have to choose between a loveless marriage and infidelity – if that is the case for you. You may want to start by watching my empowered love- marriage secret masterclass I have created that has now strengthened and saved 1000’s of marriages worldwide. https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

And you can also download my free e-book 7 secrets to fixing your marriage here https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

Nicola Beer

 

P.S  Whatever you want for marriage, I believe that part of being in a committed relationship with someone is being available to them by cell phone throughout the day. Be willing and open to give a full account of where you have been and where you will go. Don’t allow secrecy to come between you. Transparency is essential for a healthy and long-term bonding in marriage and for intimacy to be good and flourish.

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is acceptable, secrecy is not in intimate relationships. To find out more how to enhance your relationship watch the empowered love marriage secret master class here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration

 

Focus on Love and Resolve Your Marriage Problems Quickly

Love is a wonderful feeling. Self-love brings peace and acceptance, love for others and being loved brings feelings of gratitude and happiness.  So today I am going to cover the 3 easiest ways to bring more of it into your life and relationships. I have developed several tools that have been tried and tested by 1000’s of married couples all over the world to use love to fix marriage problems. Today I am sharing some basic tips

 

Before I go into them let’s go over what love is.

According to the dictionary:

 

“Love is a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure.”

 

The truth is Love is in all of us:

 

 We Are Love

As babies, we are born perfect. We don’t have to do anything to become perfect, we just are perfect. Babies are full of love and love everything about themselves, they love their body (even their own faeces). They are loving and confident, acting as if they know they are perfect. They express their emotions freely. You were like that. We all were. Then we started to listen to adults fears, limitations and beliefs and learnt to deny our own brilliance. We forgot about the love in us. As adults we may choose to live a life without love, a baby would never do that.   If there was no love at birth we would die, therefore it’s in all of us… Love is essential for the survival of the human race.

 

Love is more than just a feeling

Love is more than just a feeling. Love is an energy and action. Often a husband or wife will say to me that they are not sure if they are “in love” anymore. So I ask them what loving acts have you taken to show love or be loving? They nearly always reply that they are not doing much. This is either because they are no longer sure if they love their partner, where they are stuck in their head analysing everything. This is a disaster for deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship, by the way, analysing using your head. The mind cannot explain love or feel love. As love is a state of being and way of acting. You cannot feel love if you are not taking any action to create it. To fix marriage problems loving acts is key.

 

In order to feel more love we need to be love

The other main reason people don’t experience love in their relationship is because they have stopped giving love,  they stop giving as they wait and want to receive it first. Often I hear men and women say “I’ve been giving too much, it’s their turn”  or “when he/she changes, then I will be more loving.” This is limiting love and putting conditions on it, which holts the free following energy of love. Love needs to flow, it cannot be restricted or used as a tool to bargain with. That makes love a transaction.

 

The last reason many people complain about a “lack of love” in their relationship is because they feel they are giving everything to their partner. They give so much love at the sacrifice of their own love and needs. This creates an energy of lack of love and lack of love is how they will then feel. In order to give love at a high energy frequency, we need to be love. That means we need to be loving to ourselves first, then others: including those we love, strangers and our enemies.

That’s the real key to living a loved filled life and fixing marriage problems: Being Love!

 

Be the love you are by loving yourself and all beings!

I didn’t realise this, for years I kept focusing on what my partner was not giving me. I didn’t have any idea back then that this analysing his behaviour and thinking negatively about him and the relationship was making things much worse. The more I focused my attention on the lack of love, the less love I felt and therefore didn’t take as much action. The less love I gave out, the less love came back to me. Like a vicious cycle, where I felt more alone and unloved as time went by.

You see our energy and beliefs affect our behaviour and create our reality. If we feel happy and positive we will create happy and positive circumstances. If we feel love is lacking and the relationship is lacking love, we create a relationship that feels empty, lacking and unrewarding.

Simple right?

So how can you create more love and happiness into your life and relationship right now?

Here are 3 secret ways to create more love and solve marriage problems

 

  1. Stop any complaining.

 

Complaining creates more of the same, it makes you feel agitated, angry stressed which isn’t good to be carrying around.

“A man is what he thinks about all day long.” Emerson

If you are having relationship issues, don’t complain to anyone other than a professional in the field. As by complaining you suffer, you get to re-live the annoyance and it becomes your focus. So you will notice it more and create a sense of more things lacking.

Divorce start’s in the mind. Before it gets to this stage, you and your partner you can change your energy and thoughts to match love. When you switch to focus on the great qualities you each have, the whole vibration of the relationship will shift.

 

  1. Claim love.

Joesph Murphy “The Power of the Subconscious Mind”  studied the science behind how our minds operate found that the reasons affirmation statements  often don’t work for the majority of people is because they don’t believe them. Instead, he argues if you want to create more  wealth in your life to repeat the word wealth when you wake up and go to sleep. So I thought I would test this in my relationship and life and I realised by saying the word love several times when I woke up , before bed and throughout the day when I felt frustrated, stressed or disappointed I felt better. By simply stating a word you can awaken a new energy in you.  That is if you want to feel more love, start saying it more and you will create more positive feelings and experiences.

When you wake up put your right hand on your heart and state the word love 7 times, do the same before bed and throughout the day. It’s amazing just how powerful simply repeating this word can be in improving your mood. This didn’t work for just me, countless couples have now started using it with great success to transform the way they feel and act in their marriage.

 

 

  1. Be Love.

This is really the only thing you need to do to bring more love into your life.  It’s so key I have created a whole program with 23 audios and work books on how to embody love in your body, relationship and life more deeply.

If you are open to learn more about fixing your relationship with love and happiness, then join my relationship secret master-class using this link: https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

In the meantime to help yourself get into the loving energy and stay in the loving energy focus on:

1,Taking loving actions towards yourself. Self-Love according to David Richo is taking loving actions to make yourself happy, healthy and grow professionally, emotionally and spiritually.

2, When you feel off track or are about to react to something your loved one has or hasn’t done, stop and ask “what would love do?” or “how can I be more loving?” Either to yourself or your partner. Love is the quickest way to fix marriage problems.

3, Meditate on love. I have created several love awakening meditations and hypnotherapy audios. I find them very powerful combined with actions to love myself and others, you may want to try some that work for you. Countless men and women that join my empowered love formula program also get amazing results quickly from my love meditations. If you are not into meditation, then play the Whitney Houston “The Greatest Love of All.” It’s a beautiful song that talks about the self-love happening inside of her.

 

As always I hope there is something you can take from this.

 

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S If you did like this article, then you will enjoy the marriage secrets master-class it’s a 75 minute video, totally free join and jam packed full of tips, join me this week – you can sign up here:  https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup – just be ready with a refreshing drink, note pad and maybe some popcorn and get some support to change the love in your life:

 

Join me today: https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

Drop Neediness and Become More Attractive In Your Relationship

Overcome the top 5 signs of being too needy, give your partner space and increase your attractiveness!

Neediness will kill the passion and attraction in your relationship. We all want to be cherished and desired in our relationship that makes us feel good but being needed and pampering to a lover’s insecurities does not feel good.

I’m sure most of us here have acted needy at times in some relationships and I’m sure most of us know what it feels like to give everything in a relationship and it not be reciprocated. Many men and women hire me for support to win their wife or husbands interest back. They are literally obsessed focused on trying to get every single move right and pampering to their spouses’ needs and the first thing I tell them to do is STOP!

STOP Trying so hard!

Being needy only pushes your spouse further away. The same goes for showing how much you wouldn’t be able to cope without them. You may think you are showing them love by demonstrating how much they mean to you, which is important they know you care but neediness will repel them further away.  There are two ways I see men and women try to fight for a marriage; one of despair where fear takes over and a husband or wife is driven by neediness. The second is where a spouse acts with dignity, purpose and a positivity to get their marriage back on track or win back a husband or wife.

Here are some signs to see if you are being too needy and what to do about it if you are.

 

  1. You’re Too Available For Them

 

You may have a lot of things going on but you will drop anything to be with them. Where you may put your plans on hold or say no to friends in the hope that they may be available for you.

We want to be part of our partner’s world but we do not want to be the centre of their whole universe.

It’s important to focus on your own personal goals as well. I’ve worked with men and women where they have put their friends, hobbies and even work on the back burner in case their spouse may be free. We become far more attractive when we lead our life in a direction we want and invite them along for the journey.

 

  1. You Communicate Too Much

 

Sending thoughtful messages once a day or so is sweet and keeps the relationship alive. Texting “What are you up to?” every 10 minutes or needing to chat whenever you’re bored is not a good idea. Neither is getting annoyed or upset if they are not chatting back quickly enough.

You need to make sure that your communication remains a dialogue, not a monologue, otherwise, they will find it a chore to interact with you rather than a pleasure. If they associate communicating with you as negative this won’t help reviving passion and desire.

Am I making sense?  Hope so.

Essentially your husband or wife needs to know that you’re not afraid to be without him or her. If they feel suffocated, they’ll want their space back.

The moment it seems like they “have to spend time with you” to keep you happy, they will feel obligated. Create a bit of distance and give your husband or wife the opportunity to miss you.

Fill your days with activities you enjoy doing. Not only will they value your time together, you’ll also have more things to talk about and become more interesting and attractive.

These tips are especially helpful for men and women looking to win back their husband or wife

  1. You Need Constant Reassurance

 

There is so much banded about the importance of self-love these days but very little guidance on what it means and how to show it to yourself. David Richo in How to Be An Adult In Relationships sums it up beautifully when he describes self-love as actions you take for yourself that either make you happy,  healthy or grow you personally or spiritually. Throughout your life ensure that you are always looking after your happiness, health and development and you will attract wholeness, keep attractiveness and your need for reassurance will lessen.

If you are constantly seeking validation from your partner, not only will you always be disappointed, you run the risk of pushing them away. If you are looking for constant acceptance outside of yourself – STOP –

Most of us grow up with a fear of “not being good enough” this is something we need to work on and let go of ourselves. If we don’t believe we are good enough, no amount of someone telling us so will help.

 

  1. You Do Whatever They Want

 

Whenever my boyfriend used to ask me what I wanted to do on the weekend  I used to reply “Anything you want babe.”

I was too passive and didn’t want to make decisions that he may not enjoy. I was afraid if I made the wrong choice they would say no and we wouldn’t spend any time together.

In my experience helping thousands of couples now, the strongest relationships are where both the husband and wife make decisions on what to do on the weekends and holidays. Where both share their opinion and make decisions. When you assert yourself you demonstrate self-confidence and confidence is attractive.

 

  1. You Have Lost Yourself Outside Of The Relationship

 

Often when couples get married or have children they stop seeing their friends and hobbies. This causes immense pressure on the relationship because if we stop taking action to make ourselves happy we try to fill that void by demanding more attention from our partners. This leads to disappointment because we can not rely on our lover to fulfil all our need. The biggest reasons for divorce are unmet expectations. If you expect each other to be your only source of happiness it is going to cause a lot of resentment and tension to the marriage. If you have lost your way, find it again… start engaging in activities that bring you, Joy.

Know the difference between giving and bending over backwards.

Summary

One of the key essential ingredients to a passionate marriage is admiration. It’s important for husbands and wives to admire each other. If your attitude about yourself and towards yourself is that you and your life don’t count as much as them it’s likely that they could adopt that attitude about you too. When a spouse loses respect, they automatically lose the desire for closeness. In essence, you want to give the impression that you choose to be with him or her, not that you need to. So they perceive you as an equal partner and keep the admiration alive. I have seen men and women win back their husband and wife when they stop the above and start self-love.

Every day, when you wake up, focus all your energy towards becoming the ideal version of yourself. Share that gift with the person you have decided to be with.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you haven’t already signed up for my marriage secret master-class –  do so here where I give you 90 Minutes Training on how to create the relationship you dreamed of on your wedding day.  Visit https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

Sign up even if you cannot make the appointment because I’ll send you the replay. I’m so excited as I have something so special to share with you. Can’t wait for you to join me – seats are limited book now. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

7 Ways to Stop Money Arguments From Destroying Your Relationship

Money arguments and problems are one the most significant factors that can lead to divorce according to numerous studies. Research by Kansas State University found that this is because money arguments decrease relationship satisfaction and are harder to move on from than other marriage arguments.

If one spouse is more reckless, frivolous and carefree with money (whichever way you look at it)  and the other is more cautious, tight and careful conflict can arise. These differences can ruin a relationship in the best of times, but when you add to the mix financial stress, unemployment and a negative economy it can lead to divorce.

Financial issues also often trigger feelings of shame and fear which can lead to angry outbursts or withdrawal that further destroys the connection. So to help you move forward here are 7 ways to protect your marriage and stop divorce caused by money arguments and financial conflicts.

 

  1. Overcome any deep rooted issues causing money arguments

For many people (and I have to say I was one of them) money has a powerful influence on them. Not in the sense I was materialistic, as I can easily and happily live on little if circumstances dictate. But I used to get really anxious and stressed when I lost money and worry about not having enough in the future, even when I didn’t need to. My financial fears relate back to my childhood. Where I witnessed the pain a lack of finances caused the family. It destroyed my mum’s happiness who was forever stressed, angry and always very strict with money. Only because she had to be rasing 5 children on nothing. A lack of money in our house led to constant bitter rows between my parents, shame and hunger. Money arguments between my parents only got worse after they divorced. So I learnt a lack of money equals pain and you must avoid it at all costs, even if that means overworking yourself or being tight on yourself to save.

If you grew up not having much to live on, struggled in your college/university years or have had periods of unemployment,  a lack of money may literally freak you out. Where it impacts every area of your life, including your ability to sleep and function. The worry may be so great that you can’t relax becoming easily irritable or too controlling as a result. Which for obvious reasons can cause a great deal of tension to family life no wants to be around someone controlling or uptight. The pressure can increase if your spouse spends money very differently to you or you experience periods of financial stress.

The opposite is also true, you could have a financially difficult childhood and become a spendthrift, lavishly buying everything you didn’t have as a child and spoiling your loved ones and any children with gifts. If you grew up where money was plentiful you may also continue to spend like that even if your money is not currently plentiful, which I also see cause a lot of money arguments between couples.

If you grew up where money was plentiful you may also continue to spend like that even if your money is not currently plentiful, which I also see cause a lot of money arguments between couples.

The key is to be aware of your own and your partner’s financial history and work out a way forward. I had to do some healing and coaching work to clear my money fears and blocks, so it didn’t cause issues in my personal and love life.

I now regularly help couples with this, by doing some individual clearing money blocks and changing limiting belief work.

 

  1. Share debt and be honest about poor spending habits

All relationships require Transparency and Trust and in the area of finances, this is crucial. If you can be open about your financial habits and any debt then you have a greater chance of working through them. When Katy and Mark got married Mark didn’t share that he had credit card debts owing $30,000. Mainly because he was ashamed and knew he would handle it somehow. But for Katy his hiding felt like deceit, which hurt her and the relationship. I’ve also helped couples reconcile after years of financial cheating later in the marriage, and it is certainly not an easy path to rebuilding faith, trust and closeness. The safest way is to be open and honest right at the start.

 

  1. Agree when and if savings are touched

If one of you have spent years or decades building savings and the other starts eating away at them, it may destroy respect and even love. Savings are a sign of sacrifice for a greater purpose and seeing them wasted without permission or agreement can be soul destroying for some…

finances working together

 

  1. Adopt a policy of joint agreement

As soon as you start to pool your money together it is important to set some rules about independent spending. Some couples have a limit they can spend without sharing and others have a joint account and keep their own access to separate money. You need to determine what works best for you and at what price point you are going to talk to each other about a purchase.

Making decisions together also helps prevent controlling behaviour. No one wants to be controlled and both deserve an opinion even if one is not earning. It can damage a relationship if one person demands to keep track of all of the money and won’t let the other person make any decisions or have no spending power.

Another financially controlling behaviour is to criticise each other’s decisions, through discussing and agreeing together this can be avoided. As when you discuss you lower your risk of resentment, anger and fights happening.

 

  1. Keep to your financial agreements

If you are responsible for paying certain bills in the marriage, stick to it and discuss if you can’t.  If you say you will do something then it is important to honour that. Otherwise, you may break trust and damage your partners and the family’s credit ratings which can lead to further fallout.

 

  1. Create financial goals and a plan

Most of us have dreams for where we want to live and travel to, what objects and experiences will symbol a well-lived life to us. When couples figure out how much they want to save and what their future goals are together it often brings them closer together. Without discussing dreams and goals finances can often lead to more conflicts meaning your closeness takes a hit.

 

  1. Change what is not working

If the way your finances are being handled is causing strain and distance between you then change it.  Having worked with countless couples now, adopting a new strategy can literally save the marriage. If one is getting stressed with all the tracking and paying of bills, split the responsibility or hand over control. If lack of communication around finances is igniting fear or resentment, create regular financial meetings. If saving is difficult for you, get a savings plan (be sure to educate yourself first though). If a joint account or pooled savings is not working discuss and try a new way of working it.

In summary, the best way to avoid money arguments is to be transparent, open create a budget, understand each other’s money personality, family history and dreams. Try to align your money values. Couples that have similar money values have a lot less drama in this area. Although you don’t have to match identically there is growth in differences as long as you are both willing to adapt and consider each other’s history.

I hope you enjoyed reading this if I can help at all let me know I love supporting in this area.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

 

P.S Check out my free e-book the 7 secrets to saving your marriage here https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage

 

Or if you are really serious about changing your relationship join me on my live webinar where I talk for an hour on how to have the relationship you really want. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup

 

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