Porn Addiction, What To Do If It Is Affecting You and Your Relationship

This is a topic no-one talks or writes about yet it is really common and the number is rising. Why? Well for one is has become accessible to almost everyone. If you think about it nearly everyone has a mobile phone and most people have a lap top or tablet on top. Statistics show our addiction to check our phone and fill any time gaps by searching online is increasing. For these reasons sadly addiction to pornography is rising.

So in this article, I want to address

  1. What is porn addiction?
  2. What are the signs of porn addiction?
  3. How can porn addiction affect a relationship
  4. How can you stop porn addiction?
  5. How can you heal a relationship hurt by porn addiction and move beyond it.

Porn addiction affects more than just the user, the relationship and family life can also suffer. The use of pornography comes up frequently in my practice, which is why I feel called to share about it today. The most important thing to know about handling this in a relationship is that it’s never helpful to control or dictate how much a partner can and cannot use pornography. Any change has to come from the user. Try to police your partner to change any habit will drive you insane and harm the relationship. Below I will walk you through a process I take individuals and couples through in case it helps.

What is porn addiction?

It is a form of sexual addiction that is focused on pornography / sexualised images that causes a problem in the user’s life. How it can affect one’s life varies. It can damage romantic relationships, or interfere with work and finances, yet despite this, the person finds themselves unable to stop.

 What are the signs of porn addiction?

Like most addictions, it doesn’t happen over night where all of a sudden you are a porn addict. Similar to smoking, alcohol and drug addiction a person starts to abuse it, using it when they feel low, isolated, bored, stressed, unable to cope with life or a way to unwind and relax. When a behaviour is used time and time again as a way to feel good or escape reality, the brain starts to associate it with the way to get through life. The more a person abuses pornography to fill a gap or release tension etc the more dependent the person becomes on using it and the less they are able to cope without it.

Porn becomes an addiction when it interferes with a person’s quality of life. When despite the damaging effect is having on someone’s life they continue to do with as they find themselves unable to stop. There is no set amount of time or frequency.

Signs of porn addiction could be

  1. Time invested in watching porn at the expense of sleep, family time or work time
  2. Secretiveness, isolation and defensiveness on the topic or technology time
  3. Inability to stop despite making promises to themselves and or others
  4. Cravings to watch pornography
  5. Continuing despite feeling negative emotions associated with it like shame, guilt
  6. Increasing need to require higher amounts and more explicit materials to gain the same satisfaction or thrill. Where a tolerance has developed.
  7. Powerless to resist the urge
  8. Damaging effect on sexual relations in the relationship. For example impotence, erectile dysfunction etc
  9. Turning down social or work activities because of the wish to watch pornography instead
  10. Relationship problems causing tension or fall out

There may be many more signs and the key thing to note is that like all addictions they can be changed. All it takes is a willingness to break away from the old and adopt new ways of embracing life.

What does it do to a relationship?

One of the ways it most damages the relationship is in the bedroom. It’s not natural to see explicit sexual material repeatedly, it can lower interest in sex and affect arousal and the sexual/sensual dynamic between a couple. Also, it can cause impotence.

Another way I have seen it harm relationships is when promises to reduce the amount or quit have failed. The partner feels angry, betrayed, hurt, unattractive, cheated. Dishonesty for obvious reasons destroys love. Trust will need to be rebuilt if this is the case.

How can you heal a relationship and move beyond porn addiction?

For the person with the addictive behaviour

The first key is a willingness to acknowledge that you want to change it. You don’t need to or have to call yourself an addict, you just need to say yes to change. Yes to having a healthier happier relationship. Yes to freedom.

The second step is exploring on your own or ideally with a relationship or behavioural specialist what is driving the behaviour. Why are you using? Normally we are triggered by a feeling before we act, it could be loneliness, boredom, anger, stress or something entirely different.

Then look at what is it giving you. What benefit are you getting from it? How do you feel during and after? The reason some behaviours are hard to quit is that of what they give us.

The fourth step is finding a healthy replacement. Something to enjoy instead of the porn. This will be different for different people. This usually takes some brainstorming. Some of the people I have worked with have taken up physical exercise, become more affectionate with their partner, have treated themselves to long baths, couple massages or cooking worked for someone, they really got into making recipes from scratch. Another man I helped who travelled a lot took up painting to music. He was never without his paint brush and canvass on trips, it helped him to unwind without porn or alcohol.

The next is reward Charles Duhigg ‘the power of habit” states that the most effective and successful way to change a habit, is to give a reward. The reward doesn’t have to be anything expensive or time-consuming. It can literally be a chart where you tick off successfully free days.

How can you reward yourself?

Ideally have a coach or someone you are close to, to share your progress with and hold you accountable. Sometimes we need a little help to keep motivation, that’s why personal training and weight loss communities have become billion dollar industries.

After this, a real committed decision is needed. A plan to really commit to change with specific goals. Aligning yourself to the benefits when you stop will make it easier to quit. So

  1. Set yourself a goal
  2. Write down all that the habit is costing you right now
  3. The reasons why it’s important to you to change
  4. List down what will happen if you don’t change
  5. Write down the benefit of changing
  6. List how you will reward yourself with the saved time

This will keep you on track – store this on your phone and review it when you have a craving.

Lastly, I use hypnotherapy to help change any unwanted behaviour in relationships for the couples I work with. Whether that’s to reduce alcohol consumption, angry outbursts, insecurities, low libido, quit smoking it works. Considering our behaviour is driven most by our subconscious mind (95% according to behavioural expert Bruce Lipton) then it’s worth adding to the action plan in my opinion.

Hypnosis helped me to quit smoking, beat insomnia and get over my fear of public speaking, I find it always works if repeated for the men and women I support too. You can get some tailored hypnosis made to you and your habit which is generally more powerful than buying a ready made one. However, you can go to audible or Itunes and buy one too.

For the partner

Don’t take it personally. That’s the key message for you. Lots of self-love and self-care work’s wonders. You have no control over your partner’s behaviour, but you can control how much you decide to worry or think about it. Self-love is actions we take to make ourselves happy, healthy and grow mentally and spiritually.

For the relationship

Rebuild love, connection and trust by focusing on your future together and actions you can take for yourself and together to create more love. Love and compassion heals everything if it is not transactional. When love is a transaction = you do this for me and I will do that for you, it never works as you are limiting it and love cannot be limited. I speak about creating more closeness and love in my relationship secrets master class it’s free 90-minute discussion on relationships and for the next one you can sign up here:

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you would like more tips to improve your relationship then get my free e-book here

7 steps to help your husband/wife heal after an affair

If you have had a marital affair, your husband/ wife has found out and you want to save the marriage, there are some key steps you will want to follow.

How you react in the first few hours to 3 months matters as this is the “trauma stage” in the healing process. If you want to keep your marriage intact then I suggest you read and follow these healing after an affair steps. You may also want to get some support to move you out of crisis into rebuilding trust, love and respect.    This applies whether it is an emotional affair, physical affair or internet affair. If the betrayed husband or wife defines it as cheating then healing is needed. An affair is an attachment outside of the marital relationship. Many couples ask me does messaging count as an emotional affair or betrayal? I think as a guide for a couple moving forward is to focus on appropriateness. If you would not say or do something if your wife or husband was copied in the message then don’t say or do it.

I have devised the below from helping hundreds of individuals cope with the pain after an affair, as well as couples to come out stronger through this. Some of the below might sound basic, however, to save a relationship and become closer – grand gestures mean little, it is consistent daily action that makes all of the difference whether healing a cyber, physical or emotional affair.


Steps to Healing After A Physical or Emotional Affair


  1. Stop and cut ties immediately

Sounds obvious but you would be surprised how many men and women find it hard to let go or want to stay friends with the person they cheated with. Get support if you are struggling to cut contact. It goes without saying, if you continue the marriage will be even more severely damaged. Cut all ties where ever possible, obviously if you are working together this can be more of a struggle to do straight away. Something you will definitely need to work out and discuss after the affair with your husband or wife, how you will manage this.


  1. Make a heartfelt apology

If you fail to get this right, then pain will often continue for your spouse at a deep level. Understand and acknowledge the pain your husband or wife is going through. It makes it ten times harder for them to move on if you cannot appreciate how much hurt you have caused. In order for us to accept apologies we need to believe that we are really understood. This includes accepting that your wife or husband may see it as an affair, even if you do not. Denial of your spouse’s interpretation prevents healing from happening.


  1. Take full responsibility

This is essential to helping your spouse heal after an affair. If you blame your spouse, circumstances or the third person, then your spouse will not be able to trust you won’t cheat again. That’s a disaster for repairing a marriage, as Trust is essential for all healthy, loving and intimate relationships. Own your actions and you will be able to recover far quicker together.


  1. Be fully transparent

Transparency and total honesty is key. Don’t make the mistake so many men and women make of holding back information to try and “protect” their spouse after an affair. This ALWAYS back fires. Denial, lying and not sharing details is often what takes a couple closer to divorce, more so than the actual affair. I hear of cases time and time again where husbands or wives have lied to their spouses face after the affair to try to salvage the relationship, but this makes things worse. As their spouse either already knows everything and has all of the information and is waiting for them to reveal it, or they ask information and then spend nights and weeks, analyzing and investigating it to check for the truth.

Forget lying about anything. Or even withholding information. If they are not given details they assume the worse anyway.  Share all information that they need to move forward, no matter how awkward you feel or how aggressive they become.


  1. Act to rebuild trust, love and respect

Don’t rely on words alone to save the marriage. Promises that it won’t ever happen again and that you are sorry are a great start but won’t save a marriage. It takes actions to rebuild love, trust and respect. The right actions, which I talk about in my weekly webinar. Start taking actions to become closer not only to recover after an affair but to strengthen the connection and marriage. I have several resources on this, contact me if you want more information on strengthening after an affair.


  1. Keep patient

It’s common after an affair for the betrayed spouse to ask the same question again and again. They may want to check they can trust you and your story is accurate, they may want to know that you really do love them.

Recognise that it is not their wish to hurt you by this or make the relationship tense. Have compassion for them that they are most likely asking because they cannot switch off the reoccurring doubts and thoughts about your interest in them and the relationship or about what happened during the affair.

When I help a couple heal from an affair, I spend a lot of time focused on helping men and women, rid their mind of negative thoughts and painful images as well as help them to boost their confidence.

Keep in mind, that to you it might seem like they are living in the past but for them, they cannot move forward unless they can put a lid on the past. Often they are not choosing to hurt you or the relationship by repeating conversations, they are in need of closure. With their mind circling, they just need to check. If you refuse to communicate about the affair, you are stopping the healing process leaving them stuck with their negative thoughts. Often increasing stress, anger and their insecurities.


  1. Boost their confidence

Insecurities are almost always present after an affair. Feeling unattractive, unloved and undesired is common.  As well as questioning performance beneath the sheets. Reassure them with loving actions, words and your attention that they are desired, cherished and adored.

In summary aim to be as open, compassionate and caring as possible. Taking full responsibility for the heartache caused. Then look at ways to use this wake up call to strengthen your relationship. I’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds of couples through affairs to become closer and happier than ever before. With the right steps this can be you too.


From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you are wondering is my marriage is over or not, take the free quiz here and get some support …


4 Ways to Get and Stay Close to Your Partner

Do you feel like you are drifting along in your marriage?

Do you lack excitement or fulfilment in your relationship?

Do you sometimes wonder why you are still married?


As mentioned last week there are four elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.



Four Elements That Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose


Couple Counselling Tip 1. Rituals of Connection

Couple Counseling Tip 2. Shared Views

Couple Counseling Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams

Couple Counseling Tip 4. Shared Values


For tip 1 and 2 see previous article


Couple Counseling Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams


Part of what creates a meaningful life are the goals that we strive to achieve. Many of us wouldn’t be where we are today without setting goals and going for it. Without a direction we become aimless, lifeless even. Imagine a ship in the ocean that has no route to follow, directionless, it will float aimlessly and get nowhere. Marriages are the same. The goal of a relationship is not to get married and that’s it. As with any area of life whether that be work, fitness or hobbies, having the next goal in mind ensures your progression, sense of purpose and prevents you from stagnating. Your marriage should be no different – you need positive goals for your shared time together.


Too often we don’t talk about our deepest desires and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves about what we want for our relationship, as we’re too busy with life to notice. When we start to explore and define our shared goals we increase intimacy, meaning and purpose. When united by a goal, we can let arguments and differences go more easily.


What are some of your short-term and long-term goals for your marriage? List them and create some more joint ones.


Couple Counseling Tip 4. Shared Values


Like with shared views, having shared values also help marriages flourish.


Ask yourself these questions:

  • What do you value most about being a part of the family you belong to?
  • What family stories do you consider with pride?
  • What does home mean to you?
  • What activities or objects symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life to you?
  • What symbols or objects demonstrate who you are in the world?


Analyse what you and your spouse value most by answering these questions and list anything that comes up that matters to you most in life.



Now Create Your Shared Meaning


In my time supporting couples to develop a fresher mindset towards their respective marriage, I have heard many different rituals, views, goals and values because every couple has their own story. Here are some shared meanings from previous couples I’ve worked with:


“to heal and have a peaceful existence” (after a difficult previous relationship and childhood)

“to create a family filled with laughter & love”

“to enjoy life to the max: travel, explore, adventure and excitement”

“to step into parents footsteps and care for the whole family and business”

“to give our children the best education and watch them flourish together”

“to have our dream home on the beach and retire (early) in luxury”

“to live God’s mission together, wherever that may lead us”

“to set up our own business and leave a legacy”


Above all, it’s important throughout your journey to remember one thing: this is your journey. I have offered examples of other couples shared meaning to show that every couple is different.


Share your dreams with your partner and list your one-, five- and ten-year goals and come up with some ideas for a shared meaning that is personal to you and your partner.




Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. In being open to each other’s perspectives and opinions you become more receptive to each other which naturally brings you together as a happier couple with an aligned future to get you through tough times.


These four elements: rituals of connection, shared views, shared goals and shared values are what constitute a shared meaning. Your shared meaning may evolve over the coming years and it’s important to stay connected and support each other when life changes occur. Always remember that discussion is key here and you should agree on any significant life changes you make before moving forwards.


From my heart to yours, Nicola


Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of the Save My Marriage Program

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S If you are wondering what the save my marriage program is let me explain…


The Save My Marriage Program is a relationship strengthening program designed as an alternative to marriage counselling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counselling. The program works well for those who set out to transform their marriage on their own, as well as for couples. It covers how to increase love, respect and trust, improve communication and connection, as well as help you individually to let go of past hurt, resentment or negativity.


It is available as a 10 week online course with full support from me, 1 to 1 online or in person consulting and in 5 star marriage retreats.


To see if the program could be a fit for you – Book your FREE – SAVE MY MARRIAGE CONSULTATION now




10 Essential Keys to Avoid Divorce & Transform your Marriage Here

4 Keys to Staying Connected in Your Relationship – Part 1

































“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you…” Gottman, 7 Principals of Making a Marriage Work


There are different elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.


Four Elements that Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose


Marriage Counseling Tip 1. Rituals of Connection

Marriage Counseling Tip 2. Shared Views

Marriage Counseling Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams

Marriage Counseling Tip 4. Shared Values



Marriage Counseling Tip 1. Rituals of Connection


A ritual of connection refers to the small things you do as a couple or a family which build and strengthen the emotional and spiritual connections between you all.


Ask yourself these questions:

  • How do you and your partner connect with each other?
  • Have you developed your own family rituals?

This could be a special meal on the weekend such as a takeaway on a Saturday or Sunday roast or movie night every Friday.

  • In what unique ways do you celebrate religious holidays?
  • Do you have a ritual for love making?
  • Do you dedicate a day or night per week for family or romance?


Many couples find love and connection flourishes when they have an intimate ritual to look forward to. The key here is to find something that you do together regularly that you can look forward to.


Answer the above questions and think about the rituals of connection you have: do they work for you? Could you improve them to increase your connection or create some new ones?


Marriage Counseling Tip 2. Shared Views


Support for Each Other’s Roles

When couples come to me a lot of the problems stem from the fall out of what they think their partner “should” be doing versus what they are actually doing. I often hear: “As a husband…” he “should” be doing this, fixing that, paying for this or giving me that. Similarly I hear it the other way round too: “A wife “should”  look after the home, stay in with the family and contribute to the finances.” The problem stems from the fact that these assumed roles are often never discussed so each person develops their own views on situations without taking the time to understand the perspective of their partner. This where resentment builds.  The happiest couples agree on the roles they define for themselves and support each other with them. This is crucial as it helps to build a shared meaning.



Family and Parenting

Having similar views on parenting also adds to a strong sense of shared meaning, so does your views on the level of interaction you expect to have with your parents, siblings and cousins. For example, do you both consider extended family part of your daily family life or do you prefer distance and more of a nuclear family?


Work and Career

Even the views on what it means to work and the significance of work in your life is important to discuss. How much work is part of your life can be disputed, potentially causing friction, so having a shared outlook is crucial. Where you can talk about its importance in your life and share your experiences. Some individuals I work with get jealous and annoyed at their spouses involvement with work and staying late or socializing with colleagues on the weekends and this can cause tension for some couples. Compared to couples who agree that work comes first and encourage each other to be the best they can possibly be. Which couple are you?


The extent to which you feel similar about these issues, the stronger your marriage and connection becomes. This doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything but often it’s the couples that are more closely aligned in their views and approaches that are happier and more fulfilled.


What views do you share when it comes to living out your life? Are there any expectations that are a cause of frustration for you that you have not communicated? Could you benefit from some more support when it comes to your roles, family or career?


I will discuss shared goals and values in part 2 so stay tuned for that.


From my heart to yours, Nicola

Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of the Save My Marriage Program

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S Have you watched the FREE Marriage Transforming Video Yet?

10 ESSENTIAL KEYS TO AVOID DIVORCE & TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE HERE – It’s TOTALLY FREE and couples have shared it has made a huge impact in their marriage. 


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Is Guilt a Reason to Stay in a Relationship? Marriage Advice

Last week a lady I’m supporting in the in the US said:  “Nicola, I want out of this marriage but I feel too guilty to leave.” Many men have shared the same with me. Staying in a relationship because of guilt alone can be a miserable way to live. If this is really all that is keeping a couple and family together. However, I often find that it is used as an excuse to mask someone’s own dependency.  As many individuals don’t want to admit to themselves that they really DO want to STAY in the relationship if only some key things would change. So instead of taking a good look at themselves and their power to change things, they procrastinate.

Having worked with hundreds of couples now, I find that guilt associated with leaving, is guilt we carry because we don’t think we have tried hard enough to make the relationship work.

Could this be true for you? Have you invested time and energy into saving it or just merely shared your grievances? Would you regret leaving if you left the relationship now? If yes, what more can you do to make it great? Guilt, like all emotions, can teach us something if we explore where and why it is coming up…

Often it can be linked to our own childhood experiences, past difficult emotional events, and therefore may not have a direct connection with the present issue we are facing.  If guilt really is the only thing in your way of leaving, you’d most likely benefit from working on releasing the guilt first, then you would get a clear picture on what to do next…

As if guilt is clouding your judgment it will be hard to think straight about your relationship. It is never a good idea to make a decision out of fear, anger or guilt. Instead, it is best to work through the guilt by taking action. There are several ways to release guilt and other negative emotions that damage our self-esteem, health and relationships. Some use meditation and hypnotherapy, others go for marriage or divorce counselling and coaching and some go it alone; using self-help books and journal writing. If you do not have peace in your heart and mind choose the best way for you,  Personally. for best results, I find when I use a combination of all the above negative feelings can go pretty quickly.

If you are feeling stuck right now, I’d like to invite you to book a FREE New Beginning Session with me where we will brainstorm together  

1.     Ways you can instantly increase your happiness and start living again

2.     Steps to overcome your biggest fears,  bringing you peace of mind 

3.     What needs to be eliminated from your life

NOTE – I am only opening up 5 spots in my calendar use the link below to book a slot that suit’s you within the next 3 weeks  Book My New Beginning Consultation

If you are ready for change, I look forward to speaking with you soon

From my heart to yours,  Nicola

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S  Don’t delay on this, because there are only 3 spots available and when booked they will be gone click here to get your New Beginning Consultation

PP.S. If your marriage is in serious trouble and you need help now, consider joining the SAVE MY MARRIAGE ONLINE PROGRAM. This program has saved thousands of marriages. It’s gtd to increase the love, passion and happiness in your marriage.  All you need is the internet to participate. Where you will get 10 audio recordings of the 10 transformational steps, plus 10 weekly private office hour sessions, where you get my undivided attention to your most pressing problems and questions, plus heaps of bonuses that support you to overcome addictions, reduce anger, affair-proof your marriage and let go of past hurt and resentment. On top of this, to increase your closeness,  I will give you a list 100 activities you try together and couples games.

To find out more if it could be right for you Join me live where I discuss how to stop feeling alone in your marriage, as well as ways to create more love, passion and happiness

P.P.S. If you know you need support but want something faster than the life changing 10-week program here are 2 more options

Book your free Save My Marriage Consultation and we can discuss working together 1 to 1 online or booking a 5-star retreat

With this program, you get everything you need to start transforming your marriage in your hands instantly! For more information go to


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Save My Marriage Program is a relationship strengthening program designed as an alternative to marriage counselling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counselling. The program works well for those who set out to transform their marriage on their own, as well as for couples.

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How to Stop Walking On Eggshells Around Your Spouse

This is for those who currently feel like they are walking on Eggshells in their relationship or if Anger has turned into Resentment or Rage.  Save My Marriage Program is an alternative approach to Marriage Counseling Online or in Dubai and Abu Dhabi 

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, it’s perfectly healthy and normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged by someone you love, but when it becomes consistent RESENTMENT or explosive RAGE, it can have serious consequences for your relationships, your health, and your state of mind.

If you are hot tempered, you may feel like it’s out of your hands, it’s your nature and there’s little you can do about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you learn why you keep it, you can then look at different ways to address it, you can change the pattern. It usually takes both conscious and unconscious methods to relieve yourself from it over the next few weeks I will cover this topic. Protecting your marriage from resentment and rage is highly important, but like anger management, it only works if you are willing to understand your rage or resentment and take steps to change it. Some argue venting anger is justified or believe that others are “too sensitive”. Others feel they cannot help holding on to resentment it is the fault of their partner. Unless you take responsibility for the rage or resentment in your marriage, you cannot free yourself from the destructive pattern.
ill be heard.

When Anger becomes Resentment or Rage it  

Destroy respects.
Cause lasting scars.
Destroy trusts
Decreases love
Breaks closeness
Is damaging to children.

If snapping, moodiness or angry outbursts become frequent it can cause that “walking on egg shells” feeling. Where both in the couple are fearful about being honest or communicating, in fear for setting their partner off.

If you feel like you are “walking on egg shells” at the moment it is important to take action straight away. If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you are not really having a real relationship anymore. There are several things you need to do:
Tips on Saving Your Marriage / Stop Divorce
1. Set up a safe sharing zone together, if your arguments or talking are not getting you anywhere consider getting the help of a marriage counsellor or therapist that is future orientated not fixated on rehashing the past.

2. Focus on actions you can take to increase love, connection and friendship

3. Practice emotional acceptance, aim and agree that you accept each other’s feelings without judgment.

4. Take the steps I am going to be sharing with you this month. The steps to follow will help prevent anger from ruining your relationship. Be sure to follow me on social media to not miss any.

(Disclaimer: If you are living in an abusive relationship, you need more help than reading this.Please get professional help immediately. Anger isn’t the real problem in abusive relationships. Therefore anger management in Dubai or further afield won’t support you to save your marriage and stop divorce. Anger and anger management is about dealing with the loss of control over behaviour and temper. Abuse is a deliberate attempt and choice to control someone.)

Today, let’s first explore why we continue to get angry when it damages a relationship. As these tips alone can help in saving a marriage and stop divorce:

Anger Management Tips on Saving Your Marriage from Divorce
1. To Punish, Teach a Lesson, Make things Fair

People keep anger to punish someone, either with their bad attitude or anger led actions, and in doing so they get to feel like life is fairer. The angry mindset is “they did something bad to me, they should be punished” But if you punish someone with your anger or your bad attitude you are just creating more punishment for yourself, as it doesn’t feel good to act un-lovingly or be spiteful.  Guilt often follows rage or resentful passive aggressive behaviour and guilt is a horrible feeling.
Some husbands and wives also falsely believe that by getting angry it will somehow teach their spouse a lesson. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t work either.  Getting angry is not going to change anyone’s behaviour, in fact, they may do the opposite to what you want in retaliation. As no one likes to be told what to do, especially by your partner.
Instead, listen, be open and compassionate when you address a concern or grievance. You will have a far greater chance of influencing and inspiring them to change.

2, Anger to Get What You Own Way

Another reason we get angry in relationships is because of the FALSE belief that if we get angry we will get what we want.  The mindset is
“If I get angry, they will do what I want” or
“If I scare them they will back down”
This is using anger as a form of manipulation,  which will never work for a loving marriage.
We tend to learn this from childhood, where we experience a parent, teacher or other elder get angry at us until we behave how they want. This is a disaster for marriage, as true power doesn’t come from bullying. To gain respect and your desires met, appreciation, attention and admiration towards your spouse work best.

3 To Avoid Blame, Fault and Deflect

Some use rage or resentment to divert blame and deflect away from oneself. Instead of looking at the issue being raised or accepting fault, they attack. This is often to avoid looking inward and taking responsibility. This crushes a marriage as no one gets heard and if no responsibility is taken no change can take place.

In the next article, I will share with you more about overcoming rage and resentment

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Founder of the Save My Marriage Program – an alternative to marriage counselling in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Internationally Online Using Skype or Zoom

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S For more free resources on dealing with anger, I have several episodes on anger management in my podcast shows just type in “Nicola Beer” in Itunes, Stitcher or Soundcloud and you will find a host of audio seminars on resentment, silent treatment and anger management.

PP.S Get your copy of my FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage! And learn

  • The 6 Essential Keys to Keeping a Marriage Happy
  • How to Increase Love, Happiness and Passion in your marriage in less than 2 weeks!
  • How to Motivate and Inspire Your Spouse To Change
  • How to Overcome Past Hurt, Resentment, so You can Rebuild Respect & Trust

Get the 7 Secrets Now –

Written By Nicola Beer – Marriage and Divorce Transformation Specialist – An alternative to marriage counseling that works! Marriage Therapy in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and overseas via skype

OR if you are in need of immediate help, contact me now for a free save my marriage and stop divorce support consultation.

What Lights You UP? IMPORTANT – How to Free Yourself From Darkness

What Lights You Up?

People all over the world celebrate holidays using light. From Diwali – where millions of Hindus, Sikhs and Jains celebrate the five-day festival of lights. To Eid al-Fitr celebrations in the Middle East, where Muslims light lanterns and candles to celebrate the light of the new moon returning and the completion of Ramadan a month-long fasting period.  Jewish around the globe light candles to observe Shabat every week and for Chanukkah 8-days of lighting the menorah. At Christmas, we light the Christingle, the Christmas tree and streets. New Year we light up the sky with fireworks.

Light symbolises so many wonderful things to all of us, including love, beauty, freedom, peace, grace, bliss and hope. As a child growing up with a depressed and aggressive mother, the lighting of the Christmas tree to me brought comfort and hope.  The lighting and excitement it radiated resembled happiness, love and togetherness for me. As my mum was always much happier and kinder during this time and dad was off, so we got to play fun games with him all day.  I loved the tree lights so much, I’d sit next to them the whole time when playing or watching TV. It used to light me up, despite sometimes difficult or dark times.

We all things to light us up. As a child I could not control my mother’s mood, I learned to be my own source of happiness and adapt as best I could. I learnt how to light myself up and escape into an inner world of daydreaming, dancing, cycling and giving thanks through worship. Those were the times I felt REALLY free, lit up and care free.

As I reached adolescence I left behind these strategies and adopted new ones… ones I thought were more “grown up” or “cool” I fell into the trap of trying to control everything and everyone to what I wanted. I started my dance with alcohol, smoking and food  (binge eating or food control) to escape, regulate and balance my moods.  Instead of lighting me up, these ways of coping ensured I stayed in darkness. I remained stuck instead of free. I was desperately in need of light. Yet scrambling in chaos for external things to make me feel better.

Perhaps you can relate?

Are you trying to save your relationship or get through a break up with patterns and strategies that keep you in the dark?
Do you keep going over the same old ground and are getting nowhere?
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired, but repeating the same behaviour?
Are you still striving for perfection in yourself or others?
Do you struggle in a battle to control life or others?
Is your happiness dependent on someone or something outside of you?

If Yes, Fear Not, You Can Change It 1 Second – All it Takes Is a Decision and in That Moment You Can Be FREE

A Decision to do something different, to change, to quit, to begin, to let go…

Thankfully, I was guided back to the very things that lit me up as a child and through this, I managed to fill my life with light, love and laughter. To have the light shine through and in me.
I’ve come full circle and returned to the same childhood patterns I was given then: dancing, worship and focusing on my dreams. Letting go of trying to control and instead of lighting me up.

Who would have thought, that what I learnt as a child but forgot… would not only come back but replace the strategies that kept me stuck. This is my journey to wholeness, how I got out of the darkness and escaped unhelpful patterns.

Yours will be different. For some it’s being in nature, swimming, running, cycling, computer games, movies.

Where am I going with this you may be wondering? What does this have to do with relationships advice, marriage problems, marriage saving? life? holidays?

Well, my point is, if you are struggling, feeling stuck, fed up, confused, or in a dark place of any kind… you probably ALREADY know what can free you. You have the answer inside,  it may not be dancing or worship but something else…

What do you love to do, learn, read about? Where do you love to be? What do you love to experience? What makes you smile, laugh and feel good? Whose company lights you up?
Seek it, Embrace it, Enjoy it.

We cannot dictate how life will happen or what others will day or do, but we can take control of lighting ourselves and life up. It is time to let the light and love expand. I’d love to hear what you do to light up your world.

With this in mind for the next 6 days, I will share 1 powerful tip each day of things you can do to increase the love and happiness in your relationships and homes. Hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy connecting with you and sending them. If you are not on my email list but would like to be, just email me at and I will add you.

Stay tuned for the first tip tomorrow.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Marriage Transformation Specialist – An Alternative to Marriage Counseling That Works! Dubai and Abu Dhabi  

Contact or find out more about me at


Looking for more tips to improve your marriage? Get the FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage!  And learn:

  • The 6 Essential Keys to Keeping a Marriage Happy
  • How to Increase Love, Happiness and Passion in your marriage in less than 2 weeks!
  • How to Motivate and Inspire Your Spouse To Change
  • How to Overcome Past Hurt, Resentment, so You can Rebuild Respect & Trust

Get the 7 Secrets Now – h


Remember Michael Jackson’s Hit Man in the Mirror?


If there were any lyrics that best describes today’s message it would be from Michael Jackson’s 1987 hit song ‘Man in the Mirror’ “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways and no message could have been any clearer – if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.” You might ask yourself what does this classic pop song have to do with my relationship but if you take the time to really listen to the words the underlying message is loud and clear; to make our world a better place we need to start by looking at ourselves first and making an internal change. Whilst many of us are familiar with ‘the law of attraction’ – which states that we attract certain things into our life based on what we think (whether conscious or unconscious), there is another universal law which explains this concept perfectly; the law of reflection.


Carl Jung once said “If there is anything we could change in a child, we should first examine and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves” If you replace the word child for partner it basically says that we can change our partner but only by changing ourselves first. Read that again. We can only change others by first changing ourselves. What I love about that quote is that when we take the time to really think about what’s going on with us first and we have the courage to do the inner work to change ourselves for the better, our relationships will change in an effortless way. Think about it for a minute, wouldn’t it be nice for your relationship to change without you pushing, striving and trying to change your partner. How many less arguments would you have? Would your life be more peaceful? Wouldn’t it be great if your partner just changed for the better with no real effort? Well, that’s the law of reflection. When you change, they change too.

This is how one person can save their marriage on their own and why so many men and women join the online 10 week Save My Marriage Program by themselves.  The Save My Marriage Program is a relationship-transforming program, that starts in January and a wait list is starting now.  If you are interested in either, don’t hesitate to contact me. All you need is an internet access and the desire to improve your situation. Oh, and you can do it with or without your spouse.

Have a great week, from my heart to yours Nicola

Nicola Beer

Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program

I specialize in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S Struggling in Your Marriage? Get the FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage!  And learn

  • The 6 Essential Keys to Keeping a Marriage Happy
  • How to Increase Love, Happiness and Passion in your marriage in less than 2 weeks!
  • How to Motivate and Inspire Your Spouse To Change
  • How to Overcome Past Hurt, Resentment, so You can Rebuild Respect & Trust

Get the 7 Secrets Now –

Marriage Counseling Dubai and Online, Marriage Counselor, Relationship Counseling, Coaching, Dubai, Addictions, Anger, PTSD. Stress, Alcoholism,

Nicola Beer is based in Dubai, UAE, Middle East, Expat Community

Did I Marry the Wrong Person? Marriage Problems & Marriage Advice


When people get to the stage of seeking help for the dissatisfaction or conflict in their marriage, they often wonder “Did I marry the wrong person?” or “Did I marry right or well?” These are common thoughts many share with me that they struggle with. So, how do you know if you have? Is there such a thing as ‘the one’  or the ‘right’ person?


When you first meet someone it’s easy. You fall in love and you see only the positive facets of that person. They are the focus of your energies and you want to spend all your time with them, finding out about them and sharing your own hopes and dreams for the future.  Affection and intimacy come easily and you will readily give your undivided attention to that person. Being with them emotionally, physically and sexually is amazing and you can lead yourself to believe that it will never change. The reality is far from this. Every relationship changes and the overwhelming desire to be with one another does change. Mainly because it is not new anymore.


Whether you choose to accept that is a different matter. If you believe that a marriage that started in this way should continue to always be the same then you will probably continue to search for that throughout your life.  You will be searching for ‘Mr/Mrs Right’ to no avail going through the cycle time and time again. It doesn’t exist. We change, our partner changes and therefore the relationship will always change. The key is learning to adapt to the change and grow together rather than apart. But our society reinforces this need for ‘the one’ and we find ourselves in this perilous passage trying to find them (well I use to anyway!) We then have such unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should look like. The idealizations we have can often be unrealistic. Especially if we never even share our expectations with our partner, how can they know what we truly want?  Often we forget this and get frustrated or become disengaged…


You may find yourself becoming irritated by things that you once found  endearing. A touch from your partner may feel more annoying than affectionate. Things that once came so easily now just feel like hard work. The relationship that you find yourself in can feel far removed from those early days. You may have feelings of resentment or even anger towards your partner.


When your marriage gets to this stage it’s no wonder that you are asking the question of whether you married the right person. It can be too easy to blame your partner for your unhappiness in the marriage. Those that tend to do this often start to look outside the marriage for ways of finding happiness. This could be in the form of new ventures, activities, friendships and of course new intimate relationships.  Without addressing what is actually happening within your marriage these outside activities will naturally be destructive. Even if you allow yourself to fall in love with someone else you will ultimately end up back in the same situation in time. This isn’t the solution for long-term relationship happiness.


Marrying the wrong spouse isn’t really the issue!


It’s more to do with YOU being the right person and more about what lies within your marriage. Whilst that initial flurry of love comes so easily, love in the longer terms takes work and attention. It takes time, and you have to know what to do to make your love enduring. It isn’t a passive experience. You truly have to put effort into it. You have much more control over changing aspects of your relationship than  you think. You need to examine what it is you really need to receive and give instead of looking for the rights and wrongs in your marriage. Identify what it is that is making you unhappy and subsequently what is it that you to need to start to see a change in. These are much more productive ways to ensure an enduring love. If you don’t learn how to overcome resentment, conflicts, disappointment or frustration then it is likely in your next relationship the same issues will come up and you will get stuck again.


Like many things in life, there are common factors and themes that are key to success and the same applies to a successful and loving marriage. You need to understand the habits, actions, and mindset that are required to keep love, trust and passion alive. If you can gain a greater appreciation and understanding of these, then you can make your marriage stronger and happier.


This is so essential I cover it in both the one to one and online the save my marriage programs. In order to keep the loving relationship you and I deserve, you must first de-clutter the mind from resentment, jealousy, insecurity, trust issues, negative thoughts, excessive anger and addictive patterns and then focus on recreating the happiness, passion and closeness.


So before you ask yourself “Did I marry the right or wrong person?” First ask yourself:  “Am I being the right person for this marriage to flourish?” “Have I done ALL I can to make things work?”


This is a really important area, so if you have any questions about it you would like to ask me, message me today.


From my heart to yours, Nicola

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S Struggling in Your Marriage? Marriage Problems?  Get the FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage!  And learn

  • The 6 Essential Keys to Keeping a Marriage Happy
  • How to Increase Love, Happiness and Passion in your marriage in less than 2 weeks!
  • How to motivate and Inspire Your Spouse To Change
  • How to Overcome Past Hurt, Resentment, so You can Rebuild Respect & Trust

Get the 7 Secrets Now –


PP.S   OR If your marriage is in SERIOUS trouble and you need help now – Book Your FREE  Save My Marriage Consultation  TODAY



Do You Think an Ultimatum is Your Only Option? Marriage Problems

Are you sick and tired of your spouses behaviour you have no more to give?

Are you at the end of your tether?

Do you think an ultimatum is your only way out?


We hear people giving ultimatums every day.  “If you don’t stop doing X then Y will be the consequence.” However, more often than not these ultimatums are being issued by a parent to a child. This is a relationship where power and responsibility lie with the parent. It is the parent’s job to ensure that a child grows up knowing what is right and wrong, setting boundaries to ensure safety.


The reasons for adults giving ultimatums within a marriage can be a reaction to many types of behaviours. Marriage problem examples such as your partner being aggressive, having an affair or an addiction to spending, pornography, alcohol or drugs. It could also be about any other obsession or things they like to control in their life. These behaviours will have left you feeling hurt and resentful. It is understandable why you would feel that giving an ultimatum would be your only option.


Reasons for not using ultimatums for marriage problems


Giving an ultimatum to your spouse, where the relationship should really be equitable  and even will immediately create a sense of negativity within the relationship. Whilst you may feel that you need to gain the power in your relationship by using an ultimatum the result you desire will not follow.


Think about how you would feel if your spouse gave you an ultimatum.  Words such as resentment, belittlement and control spring to mind. An ultimatum may come across as a demand or a threat and will immediately make your spouse defensive. These are not feelings that would inspire you to change!


Yes, your spouse may manage to change their damaging behaviours for a short space of time if they fear they will lose you. However, more often that not people aren’t ready to follow through on the ultimatum as you as an individual need to establish your bottom-line.  All you are managing to achieve is a dictatorship within your marriage by being too demanding.  This is not to say that certain abusive situations should be tolerated and at this stage alternative strategies may need to be employed.


What should you consider as an alternative approach to marriage problems?


What is more important is to look at why your partner may be displaying such destructive behaviour and how to support them to make the desired changes.  It’s widely accepted that events in our childhood can have a long lasting affect on our behaviours into adulthood. Your spouse’s relationship with either of their parents can have a profound affect on them. Think about how your own childhood experience was. Did you come from a home environment where you felt emotionally connected? Were you able to talk about not only what you did in a day but also about how you felt? Did you feel loved and appreciated? Was there affection in your household? All these aspects are what lead to people feeling connected to one another. A lack of emotional connectedness can be what leads people to destructive behaviours such as infidelity, or any of the other negative behaviours I have described so far.  To reiterate, an ultimatum will work against trying to achieve emotional connectedness.


What is emotional connectedness?


There are many definitions of emotional connectedness but in essence it is about the feeling of being accepted, respected and being able to be our true selves in the presence of another.  People who feel the most worthwhile and happy will be able to display high levels of emotional connectedness with their family and friends. Often, a person who has not experienced this as a child or even into adulthood will be a person who displays addictive behaviours or go on to have affairs.  Participating in these behaviours is a way of your spouse achieving a reprieve from this feeling of disconnectedness.  It gives them a space where they are accepted and relaxed, without immediate consequences and, often with more ease than they can have in their marriage.  Your spouse will more than likely know that their behaviour is wrong. Rationally they will see that it is destructive to your marriage and to himself, or herself as a person. Whilst they may accept that their behaviour is wrong it may be incredibly difficult for them to change. They may even be too frightened of failure to try, this is the most common reason for men and women not changing I find in marriage counseling. By giving your spouse empowering ways and alternatives, a change in their behaviour can be influenced. This is how I work with those I support, giving them as many options as possible.


What I want to say is…


You do have the ability to influence their inner motivation to change. It is possible by helping your spouse to feel more emotionally connected to fundamentally influence and change their negative behaviours.  Ultimatums essentially instil rules within a relationship. Whilst it may be important to have boundaries, imposing rules will create resentment, as already mentioned. This is where establishing connection and thereby achieving the ability to influence your spouse’s internal motivation is key.  This method is much more productive and also creates a more positive relationship.


By creating an emotional connection with your spouse you can realise two profound effects:


You eliminate your spouse’s craving for their damaging behavior. There’s no void to fill anymore, because you have fulfilled the need for connection

You offer your spouse a permanent filling for the void that has been insatiable, probably since their childhood.


The tricky part of this is many of us don’t even know how to create emotional connectedness. This is part of what I teach people through the Ultimate Marriage Connecter Package and the online private program. I have worked with all of the types of behaviour I have mentioned and truly believe that any habit can be changed with the right mindset and resolve.


As a starting point, affection, attention and appreciation of your spouse are imperative. This may be difficult to do in the beginning especially when your spouse’s behavior is so challenging.  It may also be necessary to get extra help with particular addictions or obsessive behaviour to create lasting change.


In summary:


  1. Do not give your spouse an ultimatum.
  2. Establish how you could aim to achieve emotional connectedness with your spouse
  3. It only takes one person to transform a marriage – I help women and men to single-handedly do this on a daily basis. It all starts with becoming closer and inspiring them to change.


Now I am not saying everything relates back to childhood. The stresses of modern day life, financial difficulties, a nightmare boss or heavy work load, family pressure or conflict can also lead to a break down in emotional connectedness and destructive behavior also. Whatever the reason getting support to help you turn things around is crucial. We all know time does not heal.


Rest assured I certainly don’t analyze the past or couples childhoods to transform their marriage. That doesn’t work! However I do focus on achieving emotional connectedness through daily, weekly and monthly habits. Where I list 20 habits and a series of steps individuals can take to inspire change in their partner. If you want more information on the online program book a free Save


My Marriage Consultation with me or visit


Hope this helps you, from my heart to yours, Nicola

Contact or find out more about me at


P.S   Get the FREE Report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage!  And learn

  • The 6 Essential Keys to Keeping a Marriage Happy
  • How to Increase Love, Happiness and Passion in your marriage in less than 2 weeks!
  • How to Motivate and Inspire Your Spouse To Change
  • How to Overcome Past Hurt, Resentment, So You Can Rebuild Respect & Trust

Get the 7 Secrets Now –

OR If your marriage is in SERIOUS trouble and you need help now – Book Your FREE  Save My Marriage Consultation  TODAY

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